Thursday Jokes: January 31

New England Patriots Rob Gronkowski was criticized for a lewd response to a woman reporter’s question. When asked about returning next season, Gronk said “you guys know my favorite number..ask her..what’s six times nine plus six plus nine?’ ” Gronkowski, who attended the University of Arizona, genuinely didn’t know the answer.

Newsweek reported that President Trump had nothing listed on his official schedule this week except for lunch and an intelligence briefing. “Who the f*** accepted the intelligence briefing?” he shouted at acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney.

Researchers at Columbia University have trained artificial intelligence to read brain activity and turn it into speech — great news, except for men looking at women who definitely don’t want their brain activity turned into speech.

Dietitians are warning Americans about the OMAD [One Meal A Day] Diet, a form of intermittent fasting. They’re worried about dieters who follow OMAD’s ’23 hours fasting, one hour of food’ rules, and more worried about the ones whose one meal lasts 23 hours.

Maroon 5 canceled a scheduled news conference to discuss the band’s Super Bowl halftime performance — arguably, the only badass thing they’ve ever done.

MoviePass competitor Sinemia dropped their prices and added a feature allowing subscribers to roll over unused screenings to the next month. This, in addition to Sinemia’s new brand campaign reminding people it’s not a psoriasis drug.

Samsung announced they’re making a 1 TB memory chip for smartphones. Samsung said its power users demand more onboard storage, since they dislike saving their homemade porno movies to the cloud.

McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook discussed the company’s favorable financial results, attributing them to food delivery, more modernized stores, improving their app, and putting a ton of salt in everything.

Kohl’s is partnering with Weight Watchers. They’ll offer in-store workshops and diet coaching for members in the program, and larger sizes for those who quit.

The death toll from the Midwest’s extreme polar cold wave stands at 11. More deaths are expected to be confirmed as soon as the ice is chipped off of people’s necks to check their pulse.

Consumer Reports tested 45 different fruit juice drinks and found 21 contained harmful levels of cadmium, arsenic & lead. There are no reports yet of children being harmed by the high levels of metal, but the kids drinking it are all heavier.


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