A man with a gun was arrested near the home of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. He planned to kill Kavanaugh and not a different conservative Justice because he was pretty sure there would be good beer there to celebrate afterward.

The Amarillo, Texas Zoo is shared a photo taken on May 21st of a strange, wolflike creature, and asked for the public’s help to identify it. Thousands of similar tips have poured in, but Ted Cruz wasn’t in town that day.

Thailand decriminalized marijuana, but still considers smoking it in public a nuisance law violation. In other news, the entirety of Thailand is sold out of brownie mix.

Apple introduced a new ‘Medication Tracking Feature’ to remind users to take their prescription meds – a feature long-demanded by forgetful seniors and opioid addicts with Apple Watches.

Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson reportedly booked massage therapy sessions with 66 different women. Watson, who’s played in the NFL just four years, already surpassed the league record for groin pulls set by 20-year veteran Brett Favre.

The Los Angeles Rams agreed to an extension with wide receiver Cooper Kupp. And Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson negotiated an extension with several new massage therapists.

NASA’s powerful new James Webb Space Telescope suffered damage after being struck by a micrometeoroid- which fled the scene before sharing insurance information.

Prior to Game 3 of the NBA Finals, the visiting Golden State Warriors noticed the rim on the hoop they were shooting at during warmups was two inches too high. The height was corrected by the equipment supervisor – a former New England Patriots employee who inflated the footballs.

Kim Kardashian said it made her “so f**king horny” when boyfriend Pete Davidson got her Dibs ice cream bites from a drug store. Khloe Kardashian said she can relate, saying she gets horny for the Grubhub guy when he delivers the 20 oz ribeye from Sizzler.

Britney Spears will marry Sam Asghari today, in an intimate ceremony before 100 close friends and family. They chose Thursday because on the weekends they’re pretty slammed with birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese.

A box of human heads intended for medical research was stolen from a truck in Denver. Police are offering a $2,000 reward – or, about fifty bucks a head.

The United States ranks 18th in global rankings solving Wordle puzzles; experts blame teen boys who repeatedly guess BOOBS.

Nintendo halted online purchases in Russia. Princess Peach is expected to remain Bowser’s captive for several more months.

Visa, MasterCard & American Express have ceased Russian operations, leading to long-awaited VIP status for Russians with lousy credit scores using prepaid debit cards.

NBC Networks cancelled drama ‘Ordinary Joe‘ after one season. The network said for Joe to be truly ordinary, he needed to get dumped before we really got to know him.

Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne are moving back to the U.K. Ozzy wanted to live in a place he could spell.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is engaged. And boy are his fiance’s wrists sore.

A missing Florida woman was found dead in her septic tank. Her handyman was arrested for murder, and investigators are amazed at the power of her toilet’s flush.

A Comcast executive in Pennsylvania is running for Congress, hoping to find a job that pays him to do even less than he’s doing now.

Pet retailer Chewy invested heavily in Bed, Bath & Beyond, with plans to make it Smelly Bed Bath & Beyond.

Today Show host Hoka Kotb called off her engagement to Joel Schiffman, telling her audience she will Notb getting married.

Legendary quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL, but failed to mention the New England Patriots, owner Robert Kraft or coach Bill Belichick. Belichick said it was okay, because he’d already seen film of Brady discussing retirement with his wife & kids.

Walking Dead actor Moses Mosely passed away at age 31. No cause of death was given, but his brains were still uneaten.

Singer India Arie announced she’s pulling her music from Spotify in protest of podcaster Joe Rogan’s statements about race. Arie’s music will still be available for streaming in her living room.

A hiker in an Arizona park fell 700 feet to their death while taking a selfie atop a cliff. Worse, he didn’t buy the insurance for his phone.

A 40-person chair-throwing brawl erupted at a Golden Corral restaurant in suburban Philadelphia, allegedly because the all-you-can-eat buffet ran out of steak. No serious injures were reported, but police are praising an anonymous hero who was able to save the Chocolate Fountain.

Sarah Palin, 57, is reportedly dating retired New York Rangers hockey player Ron Duguay, 61. There’s some high-sticking, but it takes a little while.

The New York Times is acquiring word puzzle Wordle, and bracing for the fallout on February 5th when users see “Sorry, you’ve used up your free puzzles for the month.”

A U.K. study finds Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya!’ is the most distracting song to play while driving a car, with a high percentage of listeners shaking it like a polaroid picture into trees and guard rails.

Astronomers confirmed the existence of a mile-wide Earth Trojan asteroid in Earth’s orbit, but are not concerned that it will collide with our planet and cause damage. What they’re really worried about is the two-mile-wide Earth Magnum.

Kane Tanaka, the world’s oldest living person, turned 119 on Sunday in Fukuoka, Japan. She is also the oldest living person who’s never received a Starbucks gift card for her birthday.

OJ Simpson posted a video to social media, calling Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Antonio Brown quitting mid-game “unacceptable”. Simpson also called Brown’s history of alleged domestic abuse “acceptable”.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick also addressed the Antonio Brown story, saying his team has a a specific process in place for players with mental health issues, known as the waiver process.

A winter storm stranded motorists for 18 hours on I-95 in Virginia between Richmond and Washington, DC – adding 25 minutes to their usual commute.

A man on his deathbed in suburban Boston confessed to his family that he was a fugitive robber who’d stolen $215,000 from a Cleveland bank in 1969. He died peacefully, happy he never had to return to Cleveland.

NBA star Tristan Thompson confirmed he fathered a baby with another woman while in a relationship with Khloe Kardashian. Thompson wrote to Kardashian “you don’t deserve this” – meaning either his betrayal, or his sperm.

Disgraced Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes was found guilty on four counts of defrauding investors in her blood-testing startup. While awaiting sentincing, she plans to spend time changing her blood testing machines that don’t work into COVID testing machines that don’t work.

The National Hockey League postponed its 92nd game this season, leading to a spike in ratings for TV networks that would otherwise be showing hockey games.

Novak Djokovic will defend his Australian Open tennis title despite being unvaccinated, after being granted a waiver by a panel of independent medical professionals who bet a lot of money on Novak Djokovic winning the Australian Open.

A golfer in Australia had his driver snapped after a giant robber crab attacked his clubs. The golfer triple-bogeyed the next hole and asked the crab to break his putter too.

Longtime Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth announced his retirement from music – joining his vocal cords, which retired 25 years ago.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver and vocal anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley cut his signature long blonde hair, saying he was donating it to teenagers who go bald from the COVID vaccine.

John Mellencamp said in an interview that Bruce Springsteen is “like a big brother.” “John who?” asked Springsteen.

Hospital statistics in the New England area reveal 3,268 babies named ‘Brady’ during the Tom Brady era with the Patriots…and one very unhappy baby named ‘Belichick’.

Authorities are trying to explain their difficulty in locating Brian Laundrie. They say one of the biggest reasons is that alligators don’t vomit too often.

The charred remains of a 3-bedroom, 1 1/2 bath home destroyed by fire in Melrose, Massachusetts sold for $399,000. According to the Zillow listing, the house has “good bones” – of the people who lived there.

Play was suspended in the National Women’s Soccer League as the Commissioner resigned, and two head coaches were fired amidst accusations of sexual harassment. Players called it a necessary kick in the balls.

Dog The Bounty Hunter said his ‘tip line’ for leads in the search for Brian Laundrie has gotten “thousands” of calls, but that his cassette-tape answering machine filled up after the first five.

Peloton introduced its new treadmill, after recalling the old one for injuries to children caught under it. Peloton saidchildren are safe around the new treadmill, but can’t promise anything for kittens and small dogs.

Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen appeared on ‘60 Minutes‘, saying the social media giant prioritized profit over user safety and information integrity – claims that Facebook executives dismissed as “about right”.

Meghan Markle & Prince Harry will appear at Saturday’s Global Citizen festival to defend the planet and defeat poverty. Since they’re showing up, it’s now called the Global Better-Than-You-Normal-Citizens festival.

The United States death toll – 675,000 Americans & counting – from COVID-19 just surpassed the deaths from the 1918 Spanish Flu. “F*ck” .. was the last word of a 105-year-old who retires with a record of 1-1 against the two viruses.

“Actress” Nicole Richie accidentally set her hair on fire while blowing out candles celebrating her 40th birthday. The fire briefly spread to her pants and she admitted she’s 47.

Cassandra Peterson – better known as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark – says in her new autobiography that she’s been in a same-sex relationship with a woman for 19 years. Though she admits the relationship is open and allows her to bang werewolves during a full moon.

The cinema remake of Broadway hit ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ received mostly negative reviews, many centering on 27-year-old Ben Platt playing the title high-school character. A sequel is planned, ‘Evan Hansen Gets His GED’.

Disney CEO Bob Chiapek praised Disney’s Park Pass Reservation System as the “backbone” of their theme park operation. He then praised overpriced day passes as the “arm and a leg” that sucker families append to that backbone.

Talk show host James Corden faces criticism for his comments regarding Korean boy-band BTS’ appearance at the United Nations, saying it was unusual because their fanbase is mostly 15-year-old girls. U.N. ambassadors from Iraq and Afghanistan said some of their wives are 15-year-old girls.

African airlines are converting passenger jets to cargo carriers because they can make more money. That, and Air Ethiopia is tired of hearing passengers complain that they’re starving.

A magnitude 5.9 earthquake hit Melbourne, Australia, as parents scrambled to retrieve their joeys and put them back in pouches.

The Rolling Stones played their first concert since the death of drummer Charlie Watts, a private concert for New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft. The Stones hired new drummer Steve Jordan to beat the skins, and Kraft found a new massage therapist to do the same.

Mike Richards was fired as Executive Producer of both Jeopardy! and Wheel Of Fortune. Richards solved the puzzle M_K_ W_’R_ L_TT_NG YOU GO.

“Roaching” is the latest dating term among young adults, when they discover a partner has many other romantic contacts they don’t know about. Presumably “cockroaching” is when they discover numerous male romantic contacts.

The New England Patriots cut QB Cam Newton. He was ordered to turn in his playbook, as well as Coach Belichick’s copies of every other NFL team’s playbook.

Three unvaccinated comedians died of COVID-19 after participating in a ‘clean’ comedy contest. “What the frick?” they said from their ER beds.

An 80-pound female cougar kept as a pet was rescued from a NYC apartment. The owner didn’t care since he found a woman under 40 anyway.

Republicans are threatening telecom companies that comply with the Congressional January 6th Committee request for their private texts and messages. So far they have nothing to worry about, as Democrats are still on hold with Verizon, Xfinity, AT&T, etc.

Chloe Mrozak, 24, of Illinois, was arrested for using a fake COVID-19 vaccination card to enter Hawaii indicating she’d taken the “MADERNA” shots. Mrozak emailed her parents, saying she was stuck in a Hannalooloo jail.

A Texas school district closed after two teachers died of COVID-19. They tried to remain open, but dozens of children collapsed from exhaustion during the district’s contingency plan of all-day gym class.

A Sacramento school district says that 29 of its students remain stuck in Afghanistan. Worse, the Taliban took, and are beating them with, their marching band instruments.

Pope Francis said in an interview he never considered resigning his post, after surgery to remove half his colon. “Hey, if I didn’t quit over all those molested boys, I’m not quitting over this” he said.

The CEOs of Google, Twitter & Facebook all testified before Congress about online misinformation Thursday – but only after members of Congress agreed to accept cookies.

A new study claims COVID-19 vaccines are safe for pregnant women. Now they just need to figure out how to get fetuses to wear masks in the womb.

New England Patriots offensive lineman Justin Herron is being hailed for his heroism stopping a 30-year-old man from assaulting a 71-year-old woman in a Phoenix park. Said Herron, “if there’s one thing I know, it’s holding”.

Dyson’s newest vacuum cleaners are equipped with lasers – creating confusing, mixed emotions in homes with cats.

A former Girl Scout troop leader in Ohio was charged with stealing $12,500 from cookie sales. She stole some money, then she stole S’more. (Story h/t to AJF!)

‘Justice League – the Snyder Cut’ had fewer opening-weekend streams than ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ on HBO Max, but had just as many nerds letting everyone know they thought it sucked.

The Philadelphia Zoo debuted its animatronic dinosaur exhibit. Kids have already punched the dinosaurs for refusing to eat pieces of soft pretzels they toss.

Elton John turned 74. His hair turned 10.

Expert tasters on Earth evaluated wine that was aged for a year on the International Space Station. They said it needed to age a few more years in the ISS toilet.

Researchers now believe COVID-19 can also be ‘swallowed’ in to the body if a person’s saliva is infected. They made this conclusion after testing multiple subjects who ate Taco Bell’s new Coronavirus Crunch Chalupa.

Joe Biden issued an Executive Order directing the U.S. Postal Service to use electric vehicles. “Electric vehicles” meaning mail trucks, and robots trained to deliver mail slowly to the wrong house.

Anti-violence groups in Philadelphia held a gun buyback event, where each gun could be exchanged for $100 in grocery store gift cards. In other news, police are seeking an armed robber who stole 100 guns and $10,000 in grocery store gift cards.

United Nations Secretary General Antonio Guterres urged the forming of a global alliance to end white supremacy & neo-Nazism. The effort would be led by Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr.

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell was permanently suspended from Twitter for spreading lies about the presidential election. He took to Parler and Gab to say he won’t end the pillow fight.

A court in India ruled that groping over clothing without skin-on-skin contact is not sexual assault. The ruling was followed by a groundbreaking ceremony for a new Trump hotel and golf complex in India.

Pizza Hut announced the nationwide rollout of a new Detroit-style pizza. They say it’s thick like a Chicago-style pizza, only rectangular, and you don’t have to shoot the driver delivering it.

A judge ordered the surveillance sex video of New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft at Orchids of Asia spa be destroyed. The workers can still keep their Super Bowl rings.

Canadian legislators voted unanimously to designate the Proud Boys a white supremacist terrorist group. Or, as they’re known in Canada, the Prood Buys.

Kellyanne Conway is accused of posting a topless image of her 16-year-old daughter on Twitter. “And you suspend ME?” said the My Pillow guy.

Cops in Arizona are looking for prison escapees who used a large air conditioning unit as a battering ram to access a closet for tools used in their escape. Remaining inmates are waiting to beat the sh*t out of them for breaking the air conditioner.

Snopes disproved the story that Alabama man Kevin Greeson died at the January 6th DC riots of a heart attack after tasering himself in the testicles. Greeson did die of a heart attack, and medics unsuccessfully tried to revive him by tasering his nuts.

Hallmark Corporation requested the return of their campaign donations to Missouri Senator Josh Hawley, in the form of an eight-line poem in a card with To Our Special Little Boy on the front of it.

Other large corporations, including Blue Cross, Marriott, and several banks, have halted donations to Republicans. The GOP already asked the My Pillow guy to make up for it, but he’s committed to spending a million ad dollars a day on MeTV.

The NFL Philadelphia Eagles fired head coach Doug Pederson, less than three years after he led the team to its only Super Bowl victory. Local media penned multiple scathing articles condemning the move, starting with the phrase “not for nothin’..”.

The World Health Organization claims COVID-19 herd immunity won’t happen until 2022, but that death immunity will continue to grow in the meantime.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick cancelled an appearance in Washington to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Asked multiple times for comment on why, Belichick said “I’m just focused on the Dolphins” again and again.

Jacob Anthony Chansley – the horn & fur wearing QAnon Shaman from the January 6th riots – is refusing prison food because it isn’t organic. Chansley reportedly told his mother he’s worried about being sentenced to death by force-feeding Hot Pockets.

Mega Millions and Powerball jackpots both rose over the $500 million mark. Experts say odds of winning are about the same as getting a COVID vaccine before Memorial Day.

Donald Trump is reportedly “gutted” that the PGA Tour pulled the 2022 PGA Championship from Trump National golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey, and “furious” that they awarded it to Joe & Kamala’s Pitch n Putt in Bear, Delaware.

University of Michigan extended the contract of head football coach Jim Harbaugh, saying in a statement they’re proud to continue losing to Ohio State until 2026.