Thursday Jokes: February 7

The Unicode Consortium released new emojis coming in 2019, including new images of people with physical disabilities. It’ll now be easier than ever to tell someone you’re having sex with a physically disabled person.

A University of Pennsylvania hospital is testing a patient to see if they have ebola. Testing is complicated because ebola symptoms – bleeding, nausea & fever – closely mirror those of patients admitted after eating scrapple for breakfast.

The NYPD sent a cease & desist letter to Google asking that they stop letting drivers use the Waze app to alert others to DUI checkpoints. Google refused, citing freedom of speech, and users desire to improve at drunk texting and driving.

Delta Airlines & Coca-Cola apologized for “creepy” beverage napkins used on Delta flights, that encouraged writing your name and phone number on them to give to others on the flight. Passengers complained, and male flight attendants have one less option to meet people.

Virginia’s white Governor and Attorney General admitted wearing blackface to parties, and the black Lieutenant Governor is accused of sexual assault. While everyone waits to see what horrible thing the Speaker of the State House did, the janitor at the Capitol is picking out a suit for his swearing-in ceremony.

A Dunkin’ Donuts employee in Ocean City, New Jersey tested positive for hepatitis A. Customers who were there between January 27 & 31 are advised to get vaccinated, or to clean out their liver with an extra-large Dunkin coffee.

The minor-league-baseball Hartford Yard Goats will go peanut-free at their home stadium this year, providing children with peanut allergies a safe place to go and be bored.

Justin Bieber said in an interview that he abused Xanax, giving him something in common with parents of daughters playing Justin Bieber songs around the house.

JC Penney announced they’re discontinuing sales of appliances and most furniture, in order to focus on its core business — selling embarrassing back-to-school clothing purchased by grandparents.

Walmart announced an expansion of its Allswell online mattress and bedding business, saying they’ll dedicate more in-store display space to show the best way to put it on the floor of your trailer or van.

 

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