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Actress Marcia Gay Harden says all three of her adult children identify as queer. She, herself, is now known as Marcia Queer Harden.

The 19-year-old who crashed a U-Haul truck in to the White House fence carried a Nazi flag. What makes it even more puzzling is he was able to rent the Nazi flag from U-Haul for $2.99/day.

Target is moving some Pride Month items from the front to the back of Southern U.S. stores following customer complaints. Walmart is moving Bud Light displays from the grocery section in Southern stores to the sidewalk out front next to a sign reading “FREE”.

A man with an AK-47 assault rifle in his vehicle was arrested at a Virginia preschool after saying he was headed to the CIA. Preschool teachers called the man’s Career Day presentation “troubling”.

Following a complaint from a Florida parent, Amanda Gorman’s poem ‘The Hill We Climb’ – read at President Biden’s inauguration – was moved from the elementary section of a school library to the middle school section. Another poem, ‘I Once Knew A Man From Nantucket’, author unknown. was moved to the high school section.

A woman claims she was vomited on and refused help cleaning up by security at a Taylor Swift concert. After hearing about the incident, Swift reached out and offered the woman free tickets to a future Insane Clown Posse show.

A ProPublica investigation reveals the latest college admissions scam – research papers written by students and published in so-called scholarly journals. Among them ‘Correlation Between Boob Size and Promposals‘ by a student who ended up getting a football scholarship, anyway.

A U.K. groom briefly addressed his wedding reception as envelopes were distributed containing pictures of the bride and best man having sex. After he left, teen boys in attendance called it the best party ever, and that was before they got to have cake.

A 17-year-old Columbus, Mississippi girl was arrested and charged for having sex with underage boys at a Mother’s Day party. She was released on bond and is now the Number One requested babysitter by underage boys.

A Florida man had his arm ripped off by an alligator while drinking behind Bandito’s Bar in Port Charlotte. The victim was grateful for being dragged to safety by another patron, and doubly grateful the gator tore off the arm that wasn’t holding his drink.

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Scottish football referees Craig Napier and Lloyd Wilson came out as gay, to help change the stigma of homosexuality in that country. Now they give players a redyelloworangegreenblue card.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson faces a ‘no confidence’ vote from Parliament for throwing parties during COVID lockdown. Johnson’s defense centers on his wanting to get a 20-month headstart on the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee celebrations.

Sony Pictures rerelease of box office bomb Morbius failed, with just $85,000 in tickets sold on Friday – and those were to people tricked by the new title, Top Gun: Morbius.

Queen Elizabeth was unable to attend her Platinum Jubilee concert due to discomfort. However, she did send two royal butlers to the show to throw her panties on the stage at Rod Stewart.

Thousands of UK workers are starting a four-day work week trial, where they receive full pay for just 80% of the hours, promising that they’ll maintain the same productivity. “Yep, we promise” said British teens smoking cigarettes in front of UK Walmart.

New diabetes drug Tirzepatide led to larger-than-expected weight loss in patients, and not just from their feet falling off.

Virgin Atlantic airlines updated its policy and now allows flight attendants to show off their tattoos while in uniform. However, tattoos on women’s breasts and men’s buttocks are only visible to first class passengers.

Kyle Rittenhouse claimed he’s going to Texas A&M in the fall, but the university said he’s not enrolled. Rittenhouse clarified, saying he meant he’s going to Texas armed & murder people.

A teaser trailer for the new Hunger Games movie prequel premiered last night, called The No Thanks I’m Stuffed Games.

388 people in Britain donned mermaid tails to break the Guinness World Record for largest gathering of ‘merfolk’. The mermaid tails may be auctioned off, once the urine is cleaned out of them.

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Will Smith issued a written apology to Chris Rock for slapping him at the Oscars. Jada & Will Smith received Honorary Chairperson Awards from the Alopecia Awareness Foundation.

The January 6th Commission said a 7-hour gap exists in Donald Trump’s phone call logs provided to them. The Commission believes Trump used a different phone; Trump claims there were no calls because of a Three’s Company marathon on TV Land.

Walmart will stop selling cigarettes in some stores. Employees will be offered training on switching over to chewing tobacco.

The FDA authorized fourth Pfizer & Moderna COVID booster shots for Americans 50 & older. They’re available at local pharmacies & clinics, and free inside specially marked boxes of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.

A new $26 billion NASA funding proposal includes a program for the first human exploration of Mars – and a second human exploration after the first ones die within minutes.

Scientists are hailing a ‘new era of medicine’ where drugs are customized based on the recipient’s DNA. Although street-level drug dealers say they’ll probably just keep selling the same junk to everyone.

A herd of deer stormed the patio area of a Wisconsin pub and one of them smashed through a picture window. The deer left within seconds with their Uber & Lyft passengers.

Kim Kardashian bought a $400,000 Maybach minivan to drive her four children around – although she was able to get the price down by trading in two of her kids.

A new trailer for Tom Cruise sequel Top Gun: Maverick was released, as the movie enters its third year of previews.

Guinness Book of Records recognized Victory Brinker as the World’s Youngest Opera Singer for performing at age 7. Her classmates also recognized her performance as part of the Longest, Worst, First Grade Talent Show ever.

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Walmart announced they’re hiring 50,000 more workers before May, 50 of whom are expected to still be there in June.

Drug overdose deaths reached a new annual record in 2021, caused by a surge in Fentanyl, and man-boosting Testofen in Nugenix Total T.

President Joe Biden demanded a faster reduction in gas prices. While at the gas station he also demanded three packs of wintergreen Life Savers and a bag of Werther’s Originals.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson is quitting after 13 years. Once a new CEO is confirmed, the Board Of Baristas will announce them by issuing a ceremonial cup with their name misspelled.

For the first time in the show’s history, ‘The Bachelor‘ Clayton Echard ended with every remaining Bachelorette either being dumped or rejecting him. In case you missed it, you can watch the same thing play out in every bar every Friday night.

Several NFL teams remain ‘in the mix’ for Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson. It’s believed the asking price is multiple first round picks to acquire Watson and his 20+ sexual misconduct lawsuits.

The International Court of Justice ordered Russia to cease its invasion of Ukraine. Moments later, Rudy Giuliani filed an appeal on Russia’s behalf.

A UFC fighter subdued a man who opened fire in a Houston sushi restaurant. If you want to see the surveillance footage, it’ll cost you $60 on pay per view this Saturday.

Marylin Miglin, the “Queen Of Makeovers” from Home Shopping Network, died after a stroke. Memorial contributions can be made in four easy payments.

Kanye West ripped Pete Davidson over Davidson’s joke about wanting to have sex with a baby. Davidson was also ripped by two dozen male open-mic comedians for stealing their premise.

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McDonald’s shut down restaurants in Russia, citing the “needless human suffering” of people eating at McDonald’s in Russia.

A new study links concussions in young people to ongoing mental health issues – proving that parents really are slapping their kids silly.

Charles Entenmann, founder of Entenmanns Bakery, died at age 92. He’ll either be cremated, or baked at 350 degrees until a toothpick comes out clean.

Memphis police say a man disguised himself as a Walmart employee and loaded stolen TVs into accomplice’s vehicles. A store manager knew something was wrong when he saw what appeared to be a Walmart employee actually assisting a customer.

As deaths from COVID approach 1 million in the U.S., some are advocating for a COVID Memorial Day. It would be like the other Memorial Day, but honoring mostly dopes who were scared of needles.

Kohl’s is adding Sephora mini-shops to 75% of its stores, but management warned investors to be patient, saying Sephora can only sell makeup to Kohl’s shopper-moms, not miracles.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un warned of “grave consequences” after senior officials were fired for failing to enforce the nation’s strict COVID prevention guidelines. The officials said they couldn’t handle the surge in COVID-positive residents because they ran out of bullets.

A former Texas “Teacher Of The Year” – fired for showing students a picture of her female fiance – settled a lawsuit with her former school district for $100,000. The kids each received $10,000 because the fiance isn’t very cute.

The U.S. Senate passed a bill overhauling the United States Postal Service – which was then delivered by a Post Office letter carrier to the Lincoln Memorial instead of the House of Representatives.

Uber Eats announced new ‘Group Ordering’ and ‘Bill Splitting’ features, allowing multiple people to stiff the driver on their tip.

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Following allegations of sex at Jeffrey Epstein’s home with a 17-year-old girl, Britain’s Prince Andrew has been stripped of his military titles. Andrew will no longer be officially addressed as Captain Horndog.

The Biden Administration will make face masks free for all Americans, delighting poor families whose kids will trick-or-treat as ‘Surgeon’ next Halloween.

An ‘exquisite’ 2,000-year-old Roman figure was found during a railway excavation in the United Kingdom – next to a ‘nefarious’ 2,000 year old figure of a mustached guy in a black top hat & cape who tied her there.

Female Walmart truck drivers filed a class action lawsuit over the company requiring them to wear mens pants on the job. The suit asks that they be allowed to dress more like Walmart customers, and wear no pants.

Rapper Meek Mill, actor Kevin Hart and Philadelphia 76ers co-owner Michael Rubin donated $15 million to defray costs at Philadelphia parochial & private schools, in case you were wondering where Father Michael got that new Lexus.

Retired player & NFL analyst Bart Scott recommended Buffalo Bills QB Josh Allen take Viagra to improve blood flow during Saturday’s playoff game, where temps will be in the single-digits. The idea was rejected by Mitch Morse, the Bills center who’s bent over snapping the ball to Allen.

The new BD Veritor COVID test allows you to digitally share your results with contacts. They’re also working on an STD test, where you’ll probably want to disable the contact-sharing until you see the results first.

Researchers discovered over 60 million “breeding nests” of Antarctic icefish on the floor of the frigid Weddell Sea. They were located after sonar detected Barry White songs coming from the icefish late-night breeding playlist.

Cannabis use can prevent COVID-19 infection, according to a new study which followed hundreds of stoners who weren’t leaving their house anyway.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ contestant Clint Arlis died at age 34. Bachelorettes placed roses on his grave, but added that doesn’t mean they want to make out with him again.

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Chicago police arrested an 11-year-old boy for a series of carjackings. He will be charged as a juvenile and likely lose his five-star Uber driver rating.

Andre Dickens was elected the new Mayor of Atlanta, overcoming voter concerns that they were really voting for Andy Dick.

Scientists discovered the fossilized remains of dinosaur Kyhytysuka. They say the marine predator possessed an “arsenal of teeth”, which was good for devouring large prey, but not great for attracting or keeping boyfriends.

A Russian cannibal – who confessed to murdering and eating victims – was arrested after a decapitated body fell out of the trunk of his crashed car. He admitted he was running late with the delivery to one of his regular Grubhub customers.

Alice Sebold, author of The Lovely Bones, apologized to the man who wrongly served 16 years in prison for her rape. However, she withheld any apology for the terrible film adaptation of The Lovely Bones.

A South Carolina jury awarded $10 million to a woman who lost her leg from complications after stepping on a rusty nail inside a Walmart. The complications were treatment she received from a part-time stockboy at Walmart Urgent Care.

Kyle Rittenhouse is no longer a registered nursing student at Arizona State University, saying they already have enough guys with AR-15s providing security at keg parties.

A FedEx driver is accused of dumping packages at a ravine in Alabama six different times. The investigation was complicated because all six times, the same possum signed for the deliveries.

As Kim Kardashian and estranged husband Kanye West attended a Miami funeral for designer Virgil Abloh, Pete Davidson attended a New York Knicks game with his sister. Davidson now has a new hickey and says he & his sister are just friends.

Former ‘The Bachelor’ star / now out gay man Colton Underwood said he tried to “suppress his homosexuality” daily with Xanax, adding that boner-free televised makeout sessions with women in hot tubs wasn’t suppression enough.

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Sophia Urista, lead singer of Brass Against, went viral after video circulated of her urinating on a man’s face onstage at a music festival. Some fans were outraged, but the man had purchased Gold Circle VIPee tickets.

‘House of Gucci‘ premieres this Thanksgiving, starring Lady Gaga & Adam Driver in a true story about an outsider’s attempts to take over the iconic fashion brand. Producers settled on ‘House of Gucci‘ instead of its original title, ‘Gucci Gucci Coup‘.

Investigators solved the 50-year-old mystery of Theodore Conrad, a Cleveland bank teller who put $215,000 in a paper bag and disappeared in 1969. Conrad died earlier this year and was buried under a stone engraved “Whatever, I got out of Cleveland”.

The Trump Organization is selling its Washington DC hotel. It will become a Waldorf-Astoria as soon as they remove the discarded hooker outfits and urine-soaked mattresses from the Presidential Suite.

According to The Framingham Heart Study, sugar-sweetened beverages are the worst drink for liver disease, even worse than alcohol. However, fiber consumption can prevent the damage, say the makers of all-new Mountain Dew Code Red Metamucil.

Walmart’s Black Friday ad shows special deals on Playstation 5 and Xbox Series X game consoles as available “online only”. But for a fee, Walmart will send fifty workers to your house to trample you as you try to shop online at midnight.

Adele said in an interview with Oprah Winfrey that her weight loss journey started with exercise that she used to control her anxiety. “I wish I had your anxiety!” said Oprah.

A 32-year-old woman was arrested for physically assaulting a Southwest Airlines employee. The woman said she heard the *ding* to move about the cabin, but never heard the second *ding* to end the round and stop punching.

The Beaver Moon lunar eclipse on November 19th will be the longest of the century, and the most disappointing to teen boys aroused by how sexy it sounds.

An 84-year-old man bought a Portsmouth, Virginia home “sight unseen” for $160,000 cash, then murdered his realtor in it before killing himself. The home has been relisted as a “fixer upper”.

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Cris Galera, a Brazilian lingerie model, recently “married herself” outside of a Sao Paulo Catholic Church to preach a message of “self love”. And boy, were her hands tired the next day.

A Michigan man had six kidney beans removed from his urethra after shoving them in the end of his penis for sexual gratification. He’s now okay, but visiting friends refuse to eat his chili.

Afghan women are dressing in rainbow colors to express their displeasure with Afghanistan’s oppressive patriarchical rules. The Taliban calls the women’s futures “rainbow no-so-brite”.

SpaceX successfully launched the first all-civilian crew into orbit, where one argued about masks & the 2020 election, becoming the first civilian astronaut to be duct-taped to their seat.

Walmart is offering a $30 discount for preorders of the new ninth-generation iPad, but is also charging Walmart shoppers $30 if they want to learn how to charge it and turn it on.

Mobile messaging platform WhatsApp is testing a Yellow Pages-style business directory. Businesses won’t need to create a listing, because WhatsApp owner Facebook already stole all the information they need to make it.

Brian Laundrie, 23, is now a “person of interest” in the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito, after she vanished during their cross-country road trip. Laundrie refuses to speak to police and hired a lawyer, who privately calls him a “guy who probably did it”.

Magician Dustin Tavella is the Season 16 winner of America’s Got Talent, beating out aerialists, comedians, singers and martial artists who got more talent.

Rapper Fat Joe is under fire for lyrics he used in a rap battle against Ja Rule, calling female rapper Lil Mo a “dusty bitch” that Ja Rule found in a crackhouse. Lil Mo objected to being called bitch & crackhead, saying her preferred nicknames are ‘shawty’ and ‘hoochie mama’.

British retailer Marks & Spencer blames the poor European economy and Brexit for its announced closure of 11 stores, in what they’re calling The Oh, Bother, This Is Dreadful News, Isn’t It? Store Closure Sale.

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A Delta Airlines flight from Charleston to Atlanta left the departure gate with 182 passengers but only 180 seats. They returned to the gate where the two extra passengers deplaned and boarded their intended Spirit Airlines flight where they’d bought Lavatory Economy seats.

The first Pakistan Airlines flight since U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan arrived at Kabul Airport. The jet refueled and took off with 150 passengers on board, and 10 clinging to the landing gear.

A new survey says law enforcement officers are among the U.S. most unhappy employees, even more so now that it’s tougher to just shoot unarmed citizens to cheer themselves up.

World’s Strongest Man Hafthor ‘The Mountain’ Bjornsson says that it’s a mistake to train to failure – lifting weights until you cannot complete a proper repetition. “Good to know!” said obese Americans not training at all.

New York City schools reopened for the first time in 18 months. Students will be required to wear masks, and bullies will demand your lunch money be paid to them via Venmo.

Countries are wary of the United Nations’ request for aid to Afghanistan, given that they’re now under Taliban rule. So instead the Taliban started a GoFundMe to put new transmissions in attack helicopters left behind by the U.S. Army.

A Lowville, New York hospital will stop delivering babies due to workers quitting over a vaccine mandate. The hospital is hiring additional orderlies to keep babies from coming out.

Former Trump White House aide Steve Bannon ‘media-coached’ Jeffrey Epstein for 15 hours, since Epstein believed he was to be interviewed by 60 Minutes. After Epstein was jailed, Bannon coached him for 15 minutes on knot-tying.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett addressed the University of Louisville law school, telling them the high court is “not a bunch of partisan hacks”. “Speak for yourself” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Walmart said a press release annoucing a partnership with cryptocurency Litecoin is fake, while adding that they’re not going to endorse crypto when most Walmart customers barely know how regular money works.