Monday Jokes: February 25

A small plane crashed through the roof of a Florida home, pinning a 17-year-old girl against the wall of her bedroom. The girl was removed safely, and the plane was led away in handcuffs.

A public interest advocacy group tested wine and beer and found traces of weed killer glyphosate in 19 out of 20 samples. The 20th sample, Coors Light, was mostly weed killer.

An New Zealand woman returned from her Australia vacation to find a spotted python curled up in her shoe. The python had begun shedding its skin during the 9,000 mile flight, so the woman was thrilled to get a belt to go along with the shoes.

A Georgia woman was arrested for disorderly conduct following a rage episode at McDonald’s after being informed of a five-minute wait for an apple pie. She was taken in to custody and photographed in red jail garb reading ‘Caution: Contents Extremely Hot’.

The White House is denying a claim that Donald Trump kissed Alva Johnson, an Alabama campaign staffer for Trump, in front of multiple people without her consent. The White House claims their denial is based on no one remembering Johnson vomiting afterward.

An ‘internet linguist’ advises against using responses such as ‘okay’ or ‘k’ in response to work emails, since it may come off as passive aggressive. Instead, they recommend deleting the email and saying you never got it.

High winds and freezing temperatures caused an ‘ice tsunami’ on the shores of Lake Erie near Buffalo, with walls of ice breaching barriers, knocking out power and closing roads. Buffalo city officials are calling it the worst weather disaster since whatever happened last week.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety tested small SUVs’ ‘pedestrian detection’ systems. Honda, Subaru, Volvo & Toyota received the highest scores. The BMW SUV failed entirely, running over the test pedestrian because it was already late for a tee time.

  • All SUVs failed the more challenging, but less strict, squirrel detection test.

Microsoft introduced the Hololens 2 augmented reality headset at Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, demonstrating real-world uses, including industrial equipment repair, medical procedures and group meetings. The headset costs $3,500 and comes with a 2-year subscription to Pornhub Premium.

An unvaccinated five-year-old French boy brought measles to Costa Rica, the first outbreak in the country in five years. “Welcome back” said customs officials to the boy and his measles.

 

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