Friday Jokes: March 22

Seattle Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki retired following the team’s game in his home country of Japan. Suzuki is professional baseball’s all-time base hit leader among players who have never had sex with a 15-year-old girl.

  • Baseball historians remain surprised that, between Suzuki and Pete Rose, the Japanese guy had the less-ridiculous haircut.

Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton sets personal challenges each month. For February, the second month of the year, he ate vegan. For March, the third month, he’s celibate. So starting April, he’ll be fourth and long.

Country singer Justin Carter died after accidentally shooting himself in the head with a prop handgun on the set of a music video, prompting 10 other artists to write country songs about it.

Jimmy Carter turned 94 years, 171 days old today, surpassing George W. Bush’s record as Oldest Former Living President.  Donald Trump eagerly awaits his passing so he can tweet a bunch of mean sh*t about him.

Papa John’s hired Shaquille O’Neal to be its celebrity spokesperson, and also gave him a seat on its Board Of Directors. Papa John’s believes there is tremendous synergy, since most of their broke drivers totaling cars delivering pizzas are insured by The General.

Tesla is accusing a former employee of stealing trade secrets for self-driving cars and giving them to a Chinese rival. The employee claims he did so for the greater good, thinking China would be better off with cars driving themselves versus Chinese people doing so.

MillerCoors is suing the maker of Bud Light over what they claim are deceiving ads stating that Miller Lite and Coors Light contain corn syrup. Bud Light’s defense is that the ads aren’t all that effective, since domestic light beer drinkers really don’t care what’s in it to begin with.

Elementary school teachers in Indiana are asking for changes to sheriff’s department active shooter drills, saying they suffered welts & small cuts from fake bullets fired with Airsoft guns. For their part, the 2nd & 3rd graders had fun shooting their teachers.

Law enforcement officials made the largest cocaine bust ever at the Port of Philadelphia, seizing 992 pounds with a street value of $18 million — or, $36 million if it was sold in bags with a Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl logo on them.

Philadelphia may get the nation’s first medically-supervised injection facility for opioid addicts.  In order to manage traffic, users will be able to make reservations at OpenNeedle.com .

 

 

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