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Gregory Foster of San Diego, California broke his own world record by eating 17 Bhut Jolokia ‘ghost’ chili peppers in one minute. For the second time, Foster was added to the national waiting list for rectum transplant recipients.

Elon Musk sold nearly 8 million shares of Tesla stock, collecting $6.9 billion by doing so. Musk will use the money to buy up all the pictures of his pale doughy body on that yacht.

Donald Trump took the Fifth Amendment to all questions asked at a deposition as he faces charges for fraudulent asset valuations. He wanted to take the Sixth Amendment because it’s an even bigger amendment.

A Michigan man who built his own fiber-to-home internet service because he couldn’t get good service from Comcast or AT&T is expanding it with a government grant. He says his biggest challenge is finding time, since he spends hours each day answering customer service calls from his wife and kids.

Coke introduced its latest Coca-Cola Creations limited-time flavor, called ‘Dreamworld’, which the company says is ‘inspired by dreams’. Specifically, you close your eyes and dream that the drink isn’t ruining your teeth and waistline.

A Beluga whale that was stuck in the France’s Seine River for more than a week died while in transit to the sea. Critics say it was a bad idea transferring the whale via Megabus.

More than a dozen tech companies – including Amazon, IBM, & Cloudflare – are developing a new open standard for sharing information to prevent cyberattacks. The cost will be offset once an anonymous Nigerian prince collects his inheritance.

Uma Pemmaraju, an Indian-born woman who was one of the first Fox News Channel anchors, died at age 64. Pemmaraju was considered a Fox News pioneer for getting a job there without being blonde.

Polyfluoroalkyls or ‘PFA’s – the ‘forever’ chemicals used in nonstick cookware – are definitively linked to liver cancer. Although scientists say your spouse’s meatloaf isn’t helping either.

Retired NFL running back Marshawn Lynch was arrested for DUI in Las Vegas. His car had one flat tire and another tire totally missing. Asked if his endorsement contract is at risk, a Subway spokesperson said “we’ve had worse”.

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Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.

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Fashion author Jill Gutowitz is quoted in the New York Post claiming dressing ‘like a lesbian’ is a “powerful fashion trend”. Others dispute her claim, yet high school softball teams are forefeiting games as players quit to become runway models.

First responders were called to a massive fire at a Walmart distribution center outside Indianapolis. It’s being called “the biggest Walmart worker smoke break ever”.

A new Selena album is planned for release 27 years after her death. Superfans are warned not to buy tour tickets.

Russia banned Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau from entering the country, effectively shutting down plans for the World’s Worst Spring Break.

Tesla closed its Shanghai Gigafactory for two days as COVID cases spike in China. Workers welcomed the chance to spend two days with their children who are on a two-day break from the Apple factory.

A British woman says her TikTok accounts are repeatedly shut down because of her 38J breasts. TikTok responded it’s not just because they’re big, it’s because they’re too wide to be viewed in Portrait Mode.

A 20-year-old Canadian woman with natural 28H breasts convinced doctors who’d called her “too young” to surgically reduce them to C-cups. She claimed her massive breasts caused migraine headaches, but doctors concluded they were concussions from jumping rope.

Florida police arrested 108 adults in a human trafficking sting, including four Disney employees, in ‘Operation March Sadness 2’. That name edged out the runner-up, ‘Operation Unhappiest Place On Earth’.

Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen said the band’s setlist from the upcoming Stadium Tour with Motley Crue, Poison, & Joan Jett will include songs from a new Def Leppard album. Allen said it’s because concertgoers need time to buy beer and t-shirts.

Medical experts claim excessive daytime napping could be an early sign of dementia – or just that you’ve been working too long for the cable company.

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Merry Christmas! Thanks for reading and enjoy a peaceful, healthy holiday. CD

Paraplegic GOP Congressman & Trump supporter Madison Cawthorn announced he’s divorcing his wife after just 8 months of marriage. Turns out the only thing close to an erection he can get is an insurrection.

Doctors and nurses are being harassed by unvaccinated COVID-19 patients demanding treatment with animal dewormer ivermectin while hospitalized. Then they’re refusing transfers to the barn where they can get the treatment they want.

Over 2,000 global flights were canceled on Christmas Eve as staff call out sick with COVID-19. Spirit Airlines is able to keep a full schedule, thanks to special Incubator Flights, where all passengers & crew must first test positive for COVID.

Pete Davidson was turned away at a California marijuana dispensary, supposedly for failure to produce proper ID. Luckily about a thousand local freelancers are willing to waive ID requirements.

Comet Leonard, also known as the Christmas Comet, will light up the night sky through the balance of December. “On Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen…On Leonard, Cupid, Donner & Blitzen” said a fat guy.

An 8-foot long acquatic dinosaur fossil found in the Nevada mountains may provide unique insights to evolution. It’s the oldest fossil in Nevada that isn’t standing in line for the buffet at Caesar’s Palace.

Caitlyn Jenner underwent knee replacement surgery, and is now another step closer to being a new woman with every bone in her body.

Alec Baldwin sent out a holiday message thanking those who supported him during the ‘Rust’ tragedy, saying he’d take a bullet for any of them, or maybe not.

Scientists discovered life 200 meters below the ice shelf in Antarctica. “So much for privacy” said the two emperor penguins who’d worked hard to get some alone time.

Tesla Auto announced they’ll no longer provide video games to play on the dashboard console. They made the announcement as the Tesla world record holder in Tetris was scraped out from under a tractor trailer.

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A Colorado daycare owner was sentenced to six years in prison for hiding 26 children behind a wall in the facility’s basement. She also lost her contract with Apple to manufacture iPads.

Kellogg’s faces a $5 million lawsuit for not having enough strawberries in their Pop-Tarts filling. The lawsuit dates back several years, to when the five-year-old plaintiff first tried hiring a lawyer.

Wildlife officials in Colombia have begun chemically sterilizing “cocaine hippos” that once belonged to drug lord Pablo Escobar in his private zoo, because their mating is out of control, and because several zookeepers have died trying to apply giant condoms.

Brian Laundrie’s autopsy came back “inconclusive” for a cause of death. Laundrie’s body will reportedly be studied by an anthropologist, while police look for clues in Yelp! reviews left by alligators who ate at the Carlton Reserve where he was found.

Car rental agency Hertz says it will buy 100,000 Tesla electric cars as part of a plan to switch its entire fleet to electric vehicles, then gouge customers when they return to the airport late for their flight with the battery half-charged.

A Georgia business owner is accused of using $57,000 from an $80,00 federal pandemic relief loan to buy a Pokemon card – then using the remaining money to buy vintage Capri Suns to sip while playing.

The Facebook Papers – leaked documents from whistleblower Frances Haugen – are shedding light on Facebook’s role in the January 6th riots. Although Facebook denies this, saying Events always have thousands of people Interested who never show up.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis is offering $5,000 bonuses for anti-vax cops from other states to come work there. Further, he’s offering Democrats bonuses to move there and give the new hires someone to shoot at.

Flight attendants of defunct Italian airline Alitalia staged a public protest, stripping down to their undergarments to protest a loss of work. Alitalia flight attendants removing their clothes was, up until then, a perk only given to Platinum Elite passengers.

Burglars reportedly broke into Jeremy Piven’s Hollywood home, stealing clothes valued at $20,000 and his standup comedy notebooks, valued at nothing.

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Officials confirmed the human remains found in a Florida nature preserve are those of fugitive Brian Laundrie. Dog The Bounty Hunter is now officially out of excuses for not writing thank-you cards for gifts from his recent wedding.

Donald Trump’s TRUTH Social was immediately hacked after launch, with Trump’s own account depicting a pig defecating on its own scrotum. TRUTH Social execs disputed this, saying the picture was of Melania’s pet from her youth in Slovenia.

A 106-year-old woman in Pennsylvania, who credits her long life to a one-Yuengling Lager-a-day routine, received a special gift from the brewery. It’s a Lifetime Supply of beer, which in her case is a 12-pack.

A Tufts University women’s lacrosse player died from choking during a hot dog eating contest for charity. Other contestants tried, and failed, to save her using the Oscar-Mayer Maneuver.

Lauren Witzke, a losing Republican U.S. Senate candidate from Delaware who opposes vaccines and embraces QAnon theories, contracted COVID-19. Witzke says she has “lost her joy” – and by “joy” she means “lung function”.

Afghan news professionals predict a bleak future for their trade under Taliban rule, citing a recent episode of top-rated ‘Good Morning Kabul’ that was just three hours of hand-chopping videos.

Pfizer’s COVID vaccine is 90% effective in children ages 5-to-12. The other 10% are kids that ran and haven’t been caught.

Queen Elizabeth II spent the night in a hospital for “preliminary investigations”. She was sent back home the next day after doctors determined the stick up her ass hadn’t shifted.

Tesla owners are concerned about the Biden Administration possibly regulating Autopilot. The Administration counters that Autopilot oversight is needed because of climate change – Teslas on Autopilot are killng too many trees by crashing into them.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz failed to pay his bar dues and can no longer practice law in Florida. Gaetz did, however, pay the bar bills for multiple 16-and-17-year-old girls.

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A study finds that a two-shot version of the Johnson & Johnson COVID vaccine is 94% effective in preventing serious infection. Americans are eagerly awaiting the new Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson shots.

The International Federation of Sport Climbing issued an apology to competitor Johanna Farber, after tv coverage of the world championships showed an extended closeup of chalk handprints on her buttocks. Farber complained about being sexualized, and about being called ‘a real handful’.

A study of Tesla drivers finds they become “inattentive” when using their car’s Autopilot feature. The study surveyed 100 owners of Teslas totaled by trees and telephone poles.

Chipotle Mexican Grill is adding smoked brisket as a meat option for a limited time, with “limited time” believed to be the earlier of one month, or ten E.coli poisonings.

Apple is working on technology to detect depression in users. They’ll analyze iMessages to see how long it’s been since iPhone owners got laid.

SpaceX’s civilian astronauts, who spent three days in space on the Inspiration 4, said they encountered problems with the toilets on board – specifically, really old magazines.

Researchers at Washington University of St. Louis say they can determine when patients first show signs of Alzheimer’s related dementia – it’s when they show up for their dementia exam and ask when the movie is going to start.

The search for Gabby Petito’s fiance Brian Laundrie – a person of interest in her death – resumes in Florida. Investigators obtained search warrants in order to floss the teeth of alligators in the remote glades where he may have been hiding.

Western U.S. wildfires are threatening the lives of some of the country’s oldest trees, and driving up home prices for squirrels.

HGTV star Christina Haack showed off her huge diamond engagement ring from fiance Josh Hall. Following marriages to Tarek El Moussa and Ant Anstead, this is her third flip.

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The Taliban have reportedly taken over the government of Afghanistan. The Afghan Army caved so fast, they’re being made fun of by France.

The situation in Afghanistan is so bad, residents are booking flights to Haiti.

The Taliban painted over posters of women at a Kabul beauty salon – because women are oppressed, and because the Taliban don’t like the look of bangs.

According to data from website Business Insider, the average McDonald’s customer is a white female, between the ages of 41 and 56, with an average household income over $80,000, buying breakfast items … on their way to refill insulin.

Texas’ Supreme Court overruled mask mandates issued for Dallas & San Antonio, giving a victory to lawyers representing the Delta Variant of COVID-19.

Johnny Depp claims that he’s being “boycotted” by Hollywood since a British court ruled he abused ex-wife Amber Heard. Hollywood said there’s no such boycott, and Depp just thinks he’s too good to guest-star on Bob Loves Abishola.

‘Pawn Stars’ Rick Harrison divorced his wife Deanna in the middle of 2020. Apparently they spent the last year haggling over how much he’d pay to buy back her engagement ring.

Rapper Silento, who had a hit with ‘Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)’ was charged with felony murder. Cops arresting him told him he had the right to remain Silento.

The U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is investigating 11 incidents of Tesla vehicles in autopilot mode slamming into emergency vehicles. They believe some of the cars are owned by lawyers chasing ambulances.

A bloody fight broke out in the stands during the Los Angeles Rams/Los Angeles Chargers preseason NFL game. Cops took over a minute to respond because they couldn’t believe anyone cared that much about anything during an NFL preseason game.

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Disneyland’s Avengers Campus opens this week. Admission is only available if you’re contacted by a bald, tough-talking, one-eyed black guy.

A 17-year-old girl was captured on video shoving a large bear off her backyard fence as the bear squared off with her family’s dogs. The bear left, but is biding its time until she’s sunbathing alone in the yard.

JBS, a company that supplies one-fifth of the world with meat, is the latest victim of a ransomware attack. It’s unclear if the meat processor will pay up, but for now, they’re facing off with the attackers in a high-stakes game of chicken.

Elon Musk blamed Tesla auto price increases on “raw materials issues”. Specifically, he needs money from car sales to buy raw materials to rebuild SpaceX rockets that keep blowing up.

Space junk crashed into the International Space Station, breaking a robotic arm. The robotic arm was repaired, but then an astronaut was hit by space junk walking out to sign the cast.

The Biden administration terminated oil drilling contracts in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Environmentalists praised the move, but it also results in the loss of hundreds of good jobs for seals working on oil rigs.

Motley Crue’s Vince Neil had to cut short a solo gig at the Boone River Valley Festival in Iowa because his voice was shot. Worse, his voice failed saying “How’s everybody doing tonight?”

56-year-old supermodel Paulina Porizkova said her beauty regimen involves lasers, and “treatments…where you don’t look like you’ve been mauled by a bear”. Porizkova is facing a defamation lawsuit from the bear that used to do her makeup.

‘Very old’ human remains were found near Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s California estate by landscaping crews doing excavation work. Harry explained that some relatives were in town visiting.

N’Sync’s Lance Bass and husband Michael Turchin are expecting twins. Currently their genders are male and female, but the couple said they’ll accept them even if they’re bi bi bi.

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NASA’s Ingenuity helicopter flew for 40 seconds in the thin atmosphere of Mars. They’re planning longer flights, just as soon as the Perseverance rover finishes painting a big ‘H’ on the ground.

Patrick Marleau of the NHL’s San Jose Sharks broke Gordie Howe’s league record for the most games played, and was presented with a new set of teeth.

Rocker Ted Nugent contracted COVID-19, or, as he calls it, Bat Scratch Fever.

Police in Texas say the driver’s seat was unoccupied when a Tesla vehicle slammed into a tree, killing two passengers. Unfortunately, the car was texting.

Former Fox News commentator Kimberly Guilfoyle joined the Senate campaign of disgraced former Missouri Gov. Eric Greitens. Guilfoyle said when she heard Greitens threatened blackmail against his hair stylist with nude photos, he was her kind of guy.

Reddit unveiled its Clubhouse app clone for group voice chats, called Reddit Talk. Now Redditors can hear multiple white supremacists & misogynists talk at once.

A 21-year-old was diagnosed with acute heart failure resulting from a habit of consuming four 16-ounce cans of Red Bull every day for several years. Surprisingly, he was still able to run to the hospital really quickly.

A backcountry guide in Yellowstone National Park was mauled to death by a grizzly bear, that apparently didn’t like taking directions.

Venmo announced it will allow transactions using cryptocurrency, so now you can forget to pay back the money you owe friends with Doge or Bitcoin.

Kourtney Kardashian posted a pic of her unbuttoned jeans & panties adorned with the word ‘Oui’ on Instagram, along with a poll “Rough sex? Love it or Leave it?” She promised to post the results as soon as her three kids, ages 11, 8 & 6, count the votes.