A new study in Nature Sustainability claims particles released growing corn, or ‘corn pollution’, causes thousands of deaths every year. This, on top of millions who die from embarrassment having corn particles released from the cob and stuck in their teeth.

Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen resijned.

Local residents are outraged that a former substitute teacher in Louisiana who plead guilty to sex with three underage boys will not go to jail. Worse, she’ll serve out her sentence in after-school detention.

President Trump was criticized for nominating Stephen Moore and Herman Cain – each of whom has faced criminal charges or sexual harassment allegations – to the Federal Reserve Board. Trump dismissed the concerns since they’re serving on the Reserve board, not the Federal Starters Board.

A 51-year-old Tennessee man was arrested for killing his 76-year-old mother because she was “driving him crazy”. He was caught trying to flee the country, which in Tennessee means visiting a big city like Nashville.

Becky Lynch won the Smackdown and RAW women’s titles at Wrestlemania 35, pinning Ronda Rousey after 22 minutes, and in the process proving that there’s one more thing women are great at faking.

A suspected rhino poacher in South Africa was reportedly killed by elephants and eaten by lions. The rhinos claim to know nothing about it.

A University of Tokyo study claims 25% of Japanese women in their 20s & 30s are virgins. Experts say Japan lags behind other developed countries in sexual experience, while skeptics say the women just haven’t met the right American weirdo anime fan yet.

The U.S. Government will issue its first-ever dietary guidelines for babies, in order to lessen the risk of obesity. First guideline, no more adding Hershey’s Syrup or Strawberry Quik to breast milk.

A baseball field in Ridgefield, Connecticut will require $50,000 in repairs after coaches attempted to dry it by pouring gasoline on it and burning it. A child who tried sliding into home is now known as the Human Torch.