Tuesday Jokes: April 9th

A Delaware school district is banning fast food deliveries to high schools from services like GrubHub. They say the deliveries are disruptive, and that too many of the students ordering the food recognize recent honors graduates delivering it.

An avid skydiver died in suburban Philadelphia when his main parachute malfunctioned, and his emergency chute deployed too late. A makeshift memorial popped up where he landed, with mourners placing flowers and stuffed animals in the crater.

President Trump reportedly demanded the resignation of the longtime Director of the Secret Service. The Director insisted that Secret Service is a security detail, not secret service of McDonald’s late-night menu.

Upgrades to Boeing’s 737 MAX jets are taking longer than expected. New software is expected to be deployed to all aircraft, but needs to be tweaked to stop asking pilots midflight “Are you ready to upgrade now?”

‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack plead guilty to extortion and forced labor related to the Nxivm sex trafficking case. Mack faces up to 40 years in jail at sentencing, and agreed to be barred from prison visits by Lex Luthor.

Physicists discovered a new phase of matter that can be both solid and liquid at the same time. The discovery was made when one of the physicists became ill eating the macaroni and cheese at Old Country Buffet.

Scarlett Johansson was taken to a Los Angeles police station after being overpowered by paparazzi outside of the ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ studios. The incident fueled existing fanboy theories that Black Widow is like, totally, the weakest of the Avengers.

A Philadelphia Phillies fan is now chugging a beer out of his boot every time Phillie Rhys Hoskins hits a home run. Hoskins hit two home runs Monday night, so the habit is expensive, and more difficult now that the Bud Light has eaten through the boot leather.

Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel announced that he wants to go by John. Manziel hopes to move away from the Johnny Football moniker to his new identity, John Barista.

New York City declared a health emergency over a measles outbreak in an Orthodox Jewish section of Brooklyn. 285 cases of measles have been documented, with many families unvaccinated because “what am I? on vacation here? I’m busy!”

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