Thursday Jokes: May 2nd

Sports betting service Fanduel announced they’ll start charging a monthly fee for inactive accounts. Fanduel says if you’re going to gamble, you’d better be compulsive about it.

CVS is closing 48 stores. The company issued a list of the stores along with five pages of coupons.

Attorney General William Barr refused to appear before the House Judiciary Committee to answer questions about the Mueller Report, objecting to the proposed format of questions asked by highly-trained lawyers, instead of barely-trained Congressmen.

Former FBI Director James Comey penned an op-ed for The New York Times, saying President Trump has ‘eaten William Barr’s soul’. Barr dismissed it, saying that while a lot of him is made of Kentucky Fried Chicken and Big Macs, his soul isn’t.

Following a game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, the New York Yankees removed two Arizona sheriff’s deputies working security with a K-9 unit from the team’s locker room, because they asked Yankees players for autographs. “Fine, but don’t you want to know where the drugs are?” said a police dog.

Police responded to shots fired at a family Easter dinner in Virginia, where men argued over which truck was better: Ford or Chevy. Mark Turner, 56, shot his daughter’s boyfriend, who police found lying on the ground….like a rock.

Florida legislators passed a bill where schools can opt-in to a program permitting classroom teachers to carry guns. Guns are already in widespread use among Florida gym teachers to get kids to run laps.

Moviegoers seeing Avengers:Endgame at an AMC theater in California may have been exposed to measles. Health officials spotted people with red Dots they got at the concession stand.

A U.K. study found high levels of cocaine in freshwater shrimp, and diners having difficulty eating their shrimp cocktail waiting for it to hold still.

A cruise ship owned by the Church of Scientology is quarantined in St. Lucia, based on reports that one or more passengers is infected with measles. Health officials are waiting to see if they go clear.


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