Wednesday Jokes: May 1st

Obesity is now linked to 13 different types of cancer. And, probably a few more once doctors move some stuff around and find it in there.

  • Obesity is now poised to overtake smoking as the leading preventable cause of cancer. Though doctors say patients with obesity-related cancers are easier to talk to than patients with smoking-related cancers, becuase their breath is better.

Robert Mueller reportedly sent a letter to William Barr expressing his displeasure with Barr’s initial summary of Mueller’s report. Mueller attempted to call him but was greeted with “New AG who dis?”

Kentucky’s Teacher of the Year failed to appear at a White House event honoring teachers. She claimed it was in protest to the Administration’s bias against public schools, and because she missed her bus.

The FDA is issuing a new warning about sleep drugs such as Ambien, saying people taking them have been known to sleepwalk, sleepdrive & sleepcook. The warning is sleep drugs may make you more productive in your sleep than you are when you’re awake.

12 Major League Baseball teams have shown year-over-year drops in attendance so far in 2019. Fans in declining cities say if they want to sit in the cold for three boring hours watching losers, they can go to their kids’ soccer games for free.

Surveillance video emerged of Crystal Smith, a Kansas elementary school teacher, kicking a 5-year-old lying on the floor of the school library. Smith was fired and said the child wasn’t much help finding her contact lens.

Two water-filled test dummies flew off an Ocean City, New Jersey roller coaster during a trial run, landing on a hotel below. Operators say the ride is safe, and that they run tests with wet dummies because New Jersey vacationers like to ride the coaster after swimming.

Before Vice President Mike Pence arrived on the USS Harry Truman, the ship’s Master Chief instructed sailors on board to “clap like we’re at a strip club.” He then added “gay strip club” — and Pence started furiously clapping for himself.

A 30-year-old music teacher at a Catholic high school in suburban Philadelphia has been charged with sexual conduct with a student. He is expected to plead guilty and enter a diversion program where he becomes a Catholic priest.

Disney’s full-park smoking ban went into effect on Wednesday – smoking is no longer permitted on the grounds of any Disney theme park. Chip & Dale, Huey, Dewey & Louie all announced they’re switching to Juul.


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