Friday Jokes: May 10th

A York County, Pennsylvania man caught the state’s largest-ever catfish, measuring over 3 1/2 feet and weighing 50 pounds. It was released back into the Susquehanna River and swam to the nearest Planet Fitness.

Outrage surrounds the story of a California teacher taking extended leave to treat her cancer, who is required to pay $240/day to her substitute teacher, as well as a smaller amount for the spitwads and Kick Me signs thrown at and placed on the sub.

A 70-year-old man missing in the Philadelphia area was found dead in a large plastic storage container in a city home. Police are not releasing his cause of death or how he got in the container. The owner of the home has canceled her Tupperware parties.

Norah O’Donnell will replace Jeff Glor as anchor of the CBS Evening News. Glor will leave after tonight’s broadcast, and the news division at CBS said they’re sad to put their Glory days behind them.

Daye, a startup company that invented a cramp-fighting tampon infused with CBD oil, raised $5.5 million in funds. They say the product works, but users still manage to bitch about how expensive it is.

Researchers found that fish in the deepest, darkest parts of the ocean have developed superpowered low-light vision — but that fish with super vision also think the other fish are “not much to look at.” [story h/t to A.O.]

Party City is closing 45 stores because of a global helium shortage and its impact on balloon sales. They’re also firing any employees caught speaking in a hilarious high-pitched voice.

Porn site xHamster plans to block “MILF” videos on Mother’s Day and is using hashtag #MomsBeforeMILFs, to encourage users to connect with their mothers. Real-life moms will be delighted to know their kids put jerking off on hold to express their love.

Fitbit introduced its new kid-focused fitness tracker, the Ace 2. Now overbearing parents can harass their kids to finish their homework and their 10,000 steps.

Researchers in Boston are using fecal transplants from healthy people to obese people, in order to change their metabolism and help them lose weight. The studies show mixed results, as many recipients maintain weight, and others fart the transplant out.

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