Monday Jokes: May 13th

Police arrested a woman at a Largo, Florida Burger King when she refused to leave the bathroom. When she did, cops found seven syringes containing clear liquid hidden in her vagina. The woman said she “f**ked up”, and also said she didn’t know how fertility injections worked.

Officials in Iowa are warning residents about canine brucellis, a disease in dogs that can be spread to humans through dogs reproductive fluids. Pet owners are reminded to wash their hands regularly or, if they’re really lonely in Iowa, to use a condom.

Prince Jackson – Michael Jackson’s eldest son – graduated with a business administration degree from Loyola Marymount University. He grabbed his diploma with one hand and his crotch with the other.

Demi Lovato announced she’s hired a new manager, Scooter Braun, who also manages Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande and others. No word on when or if she plans to ride her new Scooter.

Lauren Sanchez is reportedly pressuring billionaire boyfriend Jeff Bezos to make their public debut as a couple. Thanks to photos acquired by the National Inquirer, Bezos has already made his pubic debut.

Japan is testing its new 248mph bullet train. [photo below] Men are super excited to ride it, women need some time to get used to the idea.

bullet train

An Oregon woman accused McDonald’s of negligence when she asked an employee to fill her 4-year-old’s sippy cup, and an employee put scalding hot water in it. The daughter suffered minor burns and blisters, and was pissed it wasn’t the coffee she wanted.

Levels of CO2 exceeded 415 parts per million for the first time in modern human history, a record level of greenhouse gas. Citizens who want to make a difference are encouraged to plant a tree and watch it die.

Tinder announced they’re rolling out Tinder Lite for use in emerging overseas markets, where access to cellular data is limited, but which have pent-up demand for sexually transmitted disease.

Tinder also announced the introduction of Festival Mode, a way for men & women at events like Bonnaroo, Electric Daisy Carnival & Firefly to find matches – in hopes of getting both a backstage and a backdoor pass.


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