Friday Jokes: May 17th

Camden, New Jersey opened a new downtown beer garden, for people who like to enjoy a couple of drinks before getting stabbed.

Wildlife officials warn koalas are “functionally extinct”. With just 80,000 creatures, there may not be enough breeding adults to sustain a new generation. “They’re right, it’s pretty dead in here” said a male on Koala Tinder.

Astronomers are learning more about MU69, a flat rock 20 miles wide orbiting 4 million miles from the sun. They’ve determined it’s a rock, it’s cold, and maybe they should turn their attention to more interesting stuff.

2016 Chicago Cubs World Series MVP Ben Zobrist and his wife, Julianna, are divorcing. Zobrist alleges his wife has been taken out to a different ball game.

A Tesla Model 3 driver operating his car in autopilot mode collided with a truck and died, the third such fatality recorded. Tesla said they’re deciding between updating software or renaming the car Tesla 737 MAX.

Some brands of tattoo ink are being recalled because they contain harmful bacteria. You’re advised to seek medical attention if your Fighting Irishman starts foaming at the mouth.

Facebook is reportedly changing its algorithm to emphasize ‘worthwhile’ and ‘close friend’ content – leaving users scrambling to find deals on Ray-Ban sunglasses and bootleg movies before they disappear.

President Trump unveiled a new immigration plan, intended to prioritize immigrants with valuable skills like golf course & country club lawn maintenance.

Grumpy Cat passed away at age 7, following complications from a urinary tract infection. Less lethal complications included her pissing on the sofa.

In the wake of new legislation outlawing abortions, Alabama clinics are being flooded with calls from women asking if they’re still open. Conversely, Alabama drug stores aren’t getting any panicked calls from men asking if they still sell condoms.

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