Pillsbury is recalling bread flour for possible e.coli contamination. If you press the Doughboy’s stomach on an affected bag, he’ll giggle, then vomit and shit himself.

Gloria Vanderbilt died at age 95. Hundreds of mourners are expected at the funeral to see which outfit she would be caught dead in.

• Vanderbilt’s calling hours will feature her being pushed down a funeral home runway every five minutes showing off pieces from her Fall Collection.

Boeing officially apologized to families of victims who died in 737 MAX aircraft crashes. In turn, families turned on the ‘You’re Getting Sued’ sign.

Two people were shot at the Toronto Raptors victory parade. NBA officials took several minutes reviewing video to decide if the shots were two-or-three pointers.

Author Suzanne Collins announced the 2020 release of a prequel novel to The Hunger Games series, entitled Let’s Eat, Katniss!

A new NYU study claims life expectancy in large cities like Chicago could vary by as much as 30 years depending on your zip code. In a related story, Chicago’s criminal gangs  successfully applied to get their own zip codes.

Harvard and Japanese scientists are claiming a breakthrough in anti-cancer drug development, synthesizing compounds from sea sponges. Cancer sucks, but the sponges suck cancers.

A Maryland woman whose husband died at a Dominican Republic resort says officials there recommended his cremation. Officials denied trying to hide the cause of death, they just said cremation was covered in the price of the all-inclusive resort.

Cardi B split the seat of her jumpsuit twerking onstage at Bonnaroo music festival. Tailors around the world agreed it was far too much to ask of a single stitch.

Wildwood, New Jersey plays host to the National Marbles Championship. The winners receive scholarships and the honor of being the only people vacationing in Wildwood, NJ not to lose their marbles.