Thursday Jokes: August 1st

Former American Idol contestant Antonella Barba will spend a minimum of 10 years in prison following a guilty plea for possession of 400 grams of fentanyl. She will report to jail later this year, and be the early favorite in the prison’s Holiday Talent Show.

Jeff Bezos cashed in $1.8 billion in Amazon stock, netting $1.4 billion in cash after taxes. His girlfriend Lauren Sanchez was seen being fitted for a diamond studded wrist brace to hold up her left hand after she gets the engagement ring she wants.

A 10-year-old Missouri girl stole, then crashed, her mother’s car trying to drive it to McDonald’s. Despite totaling the car, she only suffered minor injuries, and still needs that Lion King Happy Meal.

A Southwest Airlines flight attendant went viral after photos emerged of her lying in an overhead bin during boarding. She got out of the bin when a passenger in that row needed it to store his wife for the trip.

Elizabeth Taylor’s 1961 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud is expected to fetch up to $2 million at auction. The car has been restored with a new top and leather seats, and with several of her ex-husbands cleaned out of the trunk.

CNN held the second of two Democratic Presidential debates. Fallout from the debate is expected to dramatically slash the field of Democratic candidates from 20 to 19.

Mario Lopez apologized for comments he made saying it’s “dangerous” to support transgender kids. Lopez later said the remarks were ignorant and insensitive – but that he just didn’t want children to end up confused like his friend’s son, Screechella.

Kentucky wildlife officials are electrically shocking thousands Asian carp in order to harvest them and gauge how invasive they’ve become. They added that consumers should probably avoid most fish frys in the area.

The meatless Impossible Whopper is coming to every Burger King in the U.S. next week. In response, McDonald’s said they’re offering deals on the Impossible Big Mac – it’s a Big Mac that’s been kept under a heat lamp for 9 hours.

Netflix is accessing the physical activity sensors on smartphones to gauge users movement while accessing the app. They’ll probably stop soon when they figure out that users’ physical activity is “none”.


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