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Leonardo DiCaprio celebrated his 48th birthday at a Beverly Hills mansion at a party featuring Hollywood sports & entertainment A-listers, and under-25 lingerie model C, D, and DD-listers.

A white middle school teacher in Pflugerville, Texas was fired after telling students that his race “is the superior one”. The school district superintendent admitted he should never have been hired, given his affiliation with the Pflu Pflux Pflan.

Donald Trump scheduled a “major announcement” for today, believed to be either his 2024 Presidential run, or that he has no intention of paying the bar tab for daughter Tiffany’s wedding this past Saturday.

Jeff Bezos said in an interview Americans should hold off on big-ticket purchases like TVs and cars, saving them for when the economy really needs it to lift out of a recession. Then after the interview Bezos transferred the $125 million needed to finish his megayacht.

Walmart officials said as prices rise due to inflation, more wealthy shoppers are turning to their stores for groceries. Walmart said you can tell they’re wealthier, because they’re wearing shirts under their overalls.

Ballet dancers are criticizing actress Sydney Sweeney’s ballet-inspired photo shoot, saying her pointe shoes are worn incorrectly. Fans of Sweeney from HBO’s Euphoria also critiqued the pictures, saying you can’t see her breasts.

The mother of a 10-year-old boy in Highland, NY faces charges for letting an unlicensed tattoo artist ink the boy’s name on his forearm. The good news is the 10-year-old now spells his name correctly on all homework assignments.

Google agreed to pay a record $392 million settlement to 40 states, after the company continued to track users location after they’d turned off location tracking. The remaining 10 states don’t get anything, since nobody really cares where people are in the Dakotas, Alaska, etc etc.

Police at JFK Airport in New York City found 28 pounds of cocaine hidden in the tires of a woman’s wheelchair. The woman was charged with drug trafficking, and stealing the wheels off of a farm tractor in her native Dominican Republic.

The United Nations claims the world’s population will reach 8 billion this week, as the world also marks its 1 Billionth terrible gender reveal party.

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Coolio died unexpectedly at age 59, allegedly from a heart attack in the bathroom. This marks the first time anyone ever compared Coolio to Elvis Presley.

Hurricane Ian delivered devastating winds and storm surge, crippling entire cities on the Gulf Coast. This surprised many, since a Florida Man typically only injures himself and maybe a couple of others.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers may move their Sunday home game against Kansas City due to hurricane damage. Tom Brady refused to criticize Hurricane Ian, since he’s always been a big fan of low-pressure systems.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, Mackenzie Scott, filed for divorce from her second husband, Dan Jewett, after less than two years of marriage, citing not enough Prime Days.

Netflix removed the LGBTQ content tag from docudrama ‘Dahmer: Monster – The Jeffrey Dahmer Story’ following complaints from the community – specifically, the homophobic cannibal community.

Maryna Moroz is the first woman UFC fighter to be featured as a Playboy Centerfold – inducing men looking at her pictures into chokeholds.

Queen Elizabeth II’s death certificate was released to the public, with her cause of death officially listed as ‘Old Age’. Although the coroner took the unusual step of adding ‘but all those dry-ass scones didn’t help’.

Khloe Kardashian stated after an MRI scan that she suffered ‘brain trauma’ from Tristan Thompson’s cheating. Other doctors disagreed with the cause, saying it was headboard-impact trauma from Thompson and several other NBA players.

An unruly fan was removed from a Washington Nationals baseball game after fighting three ushers. His ejection resulted in a box score adjustment to change the official attendance from 83 to 82.

A New York City resident asked on Reddit how to get rid of the smell of a rotting corpse from an adjacent apartment that was impacting his. Suggestions including baking soda, cooking dry coffee grounds, and buying his neighbor a bigger freezer for Christmas.

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Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

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A 47-year-old Florida woman died after her husband sued to have her treated with ivermectin. Ironically, she died of heartworms.

Jewelry retailer Pandora is ending their use of mined diamonds and switching to sustainable lab-made diamonds instead. They say this won’t impact the buying habits of cheap husbands & boyfriends who are out of ideas and buy charm bracelets.

A cat with a genetic mutation was born with four ears. It likes having three of them rubbed, and bites if you touch the fourth.

Experts criticized the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial for having him pick juror numbers at random who will decide his fate. They said it went too far when Rittenhouse drew a 13th juror who will be his Secret Santa.

Ob/gyn Dr. Jennifer Gunter, author of The Vagina Bible, debunked a viral claim that women suffer from “winter vagina” – seasonal irritation caused by dry air. This led to an awkward conversation between Santa & Mrs. Claus, who’s been using it as her go-to excuse for several Christmases.

Los Angeles’ Staples Center – home of the NBA Lakers & NHL Kings – is being renamed the Crypto.com Arena. It’s a 20-year deal that will cost over $700 million in real money.

Activist shareholders of video game maker Activision/Blizzard are calling for CEO Bobby Kotick’s resignation, for failing to act on workplace claims of sexual harassment, and for making female soldiers in Call of Duty games wear camouflage bikinis.

CDC data show drug overdose deaths reached record highs during the pandemic – meaning so did drug abusers, kinda.

The CDC data showed the leading cause of overdose death was fentanyl, and the rarest death was one guy who really got carried away with Nugenix.

Attendees at the Baby2Baby charity gala in Los Angeles – dedicated to helping children in poverty – audibly groaned when Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos only donated $500,000. In a gift code.

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A woman is banned from an Antwerp, Belgium zoo because her “affair” with Chita, a 38-year-old male chimpanzee, is hindering his acceptance by the other chimps. That, and Chita’s wife is still pretty pissed off.

A Stockton, California man is accused of shoplifting, then running over an employee’s foot with his wheelchair. He remains at large, despite taking five minutes to load into the getaway van after the theft.

Vice President Kamala Harris visited Vietnam to announce a donation of 1 million doses of the COVID-19 vaccine. However, China one-upped her, promising 2 million doses, which are reportedly better because they’re vaccines derived from the same coronavirus they made in a lab.

An Afghan woman gave birth to a baby during her evacuation flight from Kabul. She received requests from 10 other passengers to please shut her kid up.

Estes model rocket company is selling a $69.99 replica of the Blue Origin ship that Jeff Bezos rode into space, if you don’t mind having it appear as though your kid is launching a dildo into the air from your backyard.

New York City’s Police Department will issue new “easier to fire” handguns to rookie recruits, saying the reduced pressure required on the trigger will improve the accuracy of bullets shot at unarmed civilians.

A new study from Montana State University identifies the areas of the U.S. most suitable for the invasive Asian Giant Hornet. They determined the Asian hornets are most likely to settle in areas within a 20-minute delivery radius for decent cashew shrimp.

TikTok has disabled the ability to search “milk crate challenge” and removed some of the videos. TikTok’s spokesman said they’re deleting some of the videos, and urging influencers to stick with eating Tide Pods instead.

Scientists conducted tests revealing that Stonehenge is made from a nearly indestructible ancient material — scones.

Actress Letitia Wright was hospitalized following an on-set accident filming her role as Shuri in the Marvel sequel Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Wright was not wearing her Vibranium suit at the time.

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Samantha Ramsdell of Connecticut – who shares videos stuffing whole sandwiches in her mouth – is now recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the Woman with World’s Largest Mouth. Guinesss named 2 billion other women runners-up.

Molson Coors is discontinuing 11 budget beer brands, including Keystone Ice, Miller High Life Light and others. They still plan to make the beers, but label them as Sweatsock-Flavored Hard Seltzer.

GOP Senator Lindsey Graham, who is vaccinated against COVID-19, announced he has a ‘breakthrough infection’ of the virus. This surprised observers who assumed Graham’s next breakthrough infection would be bathhouse gonorrhea.

The CDC added 16 destinations to a list of places with “very high” likelihood of COVID-19 transmission, including Greece, Ireland, and Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Crossfit gym.

A woman on a Cape Cod, Massachusetts beach fought off an approaching coyote with a stick before she was rescured by a fisherman. The woman thanked the manufacturers of ACME sticks, whose products reliably foil coyote attacks.

A couple bought a Skippack, Pennsylvania farmhouse and found a colony of 450,000 bees living in the walls that had been there for an estimated 35 years. The bees were moved to a farm, where they’re glad they don’t have to pay property taxes anymore.

Rapper DaBaby apologized for inflammatory anti-gay remarks he made from the stage at the Rolling Loud music festival. He says it’s about time he started acting like DaGrownup.

Wrestling legend Ric Flair has been released from his contract by promoter Vince McMahon’s WWE. Flair now requires a chair lift to get to the top of the turnbuckle.

Jeff Bezos is no longer the World’s Richest Person after his net worth dropped $13.5 billion due to an Amazon share price drop amidst disappointing earnings. Bezos, for now, yields the title to Some Other Arrogant Asshole.

New York City restaurants will require proof of vaccination before diners will be seated indoors after waiting an hour to sit next to the restrooms.

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Apple says they’re going ‘all in’ on 5G technology in 2022, with factories hiring thousands of fifth graders.

Jeff Bezos gifted $100 million ‘Courage & Civility’ Awards to chef Jose Andres and CNN anchor Van Jones, so they can continue charitable work. Finalists are not yet announced for the Donald Trump ‘Cowardice & Hostility’ awards, but multiple January 6th rioters are in the running.

Joe Pytka, director of the original ‘Space Jam‘ movie, said ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy” is so boring he couldn’t finish it in one sitting. It’s one of the most scathing criticisms an 82-year-old has ever leveled against a children’s cartoon.

Provincetown, Massachusetts, a popular gay-friendly Cape Cod tourist destination, is experiencing a surge in COVID cases, causing officials to require guests & residents to wear masks with mouth holes.

The Milwaukee Bucks won the NBA title, but gunfire outside their home arena in the postgame celebration sent three people to the hospital with Buckshot wounds .

A COVID-positive Indonesian man was arrested for disguising himself as his wife so he could board a domestic flight on a local airline. He was discovered by the drunken groper in the adjacent seat.

“Floating breakfast” is a growing trend in the hospitality industry; it describes breakfast served in pools or hot tubs at luxury resorts, or, at Ramada Inns, the continental breakfast dumped into the toilet.

Kanye West threw a listening party for his new album in Las Vegas, which morphed into traffic jam at the parking lot exit halfway through the listening party.

Cecil County Maryland broke ground on what will be the biggest Great Wolf Lodge, a 700-room hotel and largest indoor water park – also home to the world’s largest concentration of water-borne bacteria.

A Philadelphia bakery apologized after making a cake honoring a police officer’s service anniversary with a Philadelphia Police Department logo reading ‘Coffee Donuts Corruption’ instead of ‘Honor Integrity Service’. The cop still ate the cake along with coffee & donuts.

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A new study claims the average household has 21 disagreements every week, many of them over trivial matters such as dishes, room temperature & lighting. Households with guns tend to settle the matters faster.

McDonald’s in the U.K. is offering a Gold VIP Card as a prize in its Monopoly game, entitling the holder to a free meal each week for a year. They debated adding an Organ Donor designation to the cards to acknowledge the inevitable heart failure.

Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos’ launched and landed his Blue Origin rocket after a successful shot into space. Meanwhile, alleged billionaire Donald Trump launched and landed his pitching wedge in a pond after an unsuccessful shot on the 11th Hole.

HGTV star Tarek El Moussa launched an on-set tirade against ex-wife & costar Christina Haack during filming of Flip Or Flop, calling her a “washed-up loser”. El Moussa is diversifying beyond flipping houses, to flipping his lid.

Illinois banned police from lying to minors as part of criminal investigations. They can still lie to adults, though, so cops invite fugitives to come to the station and claim that sports car you won!

Former American Idol finalist Ron Bultongez of Texas surrendered to face charges of having sex with a minor. Bultongez is apparently unhappy that the girl sang to her parents about it.

Britney Spears is reportedly wearing a diamond ring on her left hand, signaling a possible engagement to longtime boyfriend Sam Asghari. Asghari wanted to ask for her father’s permission, but needs 6 lawyers to petition the conservatorship.

United States passports are taking up to 24 weeks to process, with a backlog of over 2 million applications. The delay is ruining the plans of thousands of Americans to contract COVID-19 in a different country.

A wellness retreat in Upstate New York offers one-hour sessions to cuddle with cows, then two-hour sessions after that to deal with the smell.

The Bootleg Wildfire in Oregon is so large, it’s creating its own weather patterns – described by meteorologists as “Warm”.

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Flip or Flop star Christina Haack finalized the property settlement in her divorce from fellow HGTV star Ant Anstead. She keeps all their houses, but he gets to keep his Ant farm.

An all-woman broadcast team will call the Tampa Bay Rays/Baltimore Orioles game, a first for Major League Baseball. Not much will be different, only viewers will have to wait a couple of days to hear what the players did wrong.

The FBI is planning to upgrade criminal background checks for gun purchases, for tighter controls on sales to individuals under 18. Buyers are encouraged to act now if they want to give gifts for Sweet 16 parties and quinceaneras.

A tv docudrama about the Sex Pistols is hitting a snag as John ‘Johnny Rotten’ Lydon wants to block use of the group’s music. Producers may have to improvise by having teenage drug addicts bang on kitchen utensils.

Chrissy Teigen mourned the death of her dog, Pippa. Before the animal died, Teigen said she apologized for years-ago tweets calling the dog a fat bitch.

New York Yankees players Aaron Judge, Gio Urshela & Kyle Higashioka all tested positive for COVID-19, forcing the postponement of Thursday’s game. After those three strikes, the Yankees were out.

Google Maps is being accused of providing “potentially fatal” hiking routes. Google said they can’t help it if someone asks for walking directions on the Cross-Bronx Expressway.

An Indian bride called police and canceled her wedding, saying she didn’t want to marry the man because he was in love with someone else. The groom admitted he was in love with the other woman, but she was a lousy cook.

Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin flight will include the youngest – 18-year-old Oliver Daemen – & oldest – 82-year-old Wally Funk – space travelers ever. Daemen said he’s limited Funk to a total of two boring stories over the duration of the trip.

Machine Gun Kelly said he had a poster of actress & current girlfriend Megan Fox in his room as a teenager. He’s glad it worked out with Fox, because he was too late for his Farrah Fawcett poster.

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Johnson & Johnson is recalling some Aveeno and Neutrogena brand sunscreens because they may contain a carcinogen. Or, as they call it, a quicker way to get skin cancer.

Top U.S. Generals believed Donald Trump was setting the stage for a January coup to remain in office. But it took them a while to realize it, because Trump kept referring to it as a “coop”.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is suing Amazon for selling faulty carbon monoxide detectors, flammable children’s pajamas, and hair dryers that could electrocute people. However, they were satisfied with the prices they paid for the items on Prime Day.

Actor Jerry O’ Connell will replace Sharon Osbourne and become the first male panelist on ‘The Talk’. He’ll face away from the camera so the female co-hosts can talk about him behind his back.

A Utah company has stopped selling a kit that encases Glock handguns in Lego bricks, after multiple people reported injuries from stepping on the guns.

In a medical first, a paralyzed man’s brain waves have been turned into sentences. Researchers only shared the second sentence he thought of, because his first thoughts were about his young female nurse.

Pittsburgh Steelers QB Dwayne Haskins lost a tooth during a fight with his wife. She was charged with felony battery and penalized 15 yards for an illegal blow to the head.

Britney Spears is allowed to hire her own lawyer, and wants to sue her father for mismanaging her conservatorship. She’s hoping to take back control of her life and money, and finally buy a unicorn.

Netflix plans to offer video games on its service within the next year, then it’ll cancel your favorite game after one level.

An 18-year-old will accompany Jeff Bezos on his Blue Origin rocket launch. His job is to repeatedly ask “Are we in space yet?”