Thursday Jokes: August 15th

Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham is pregnant. She’s looking forward to doing some plus-plus-sized modeling.

United Airlines tightened its alcohol guidelines for pilots; they’re now banned from consuming alcohol in the 12 hours prior to a flight. United pilots said they’re fine waiting until takeoff to get hammered.

Doctors are concerned about pregnant women smoking marijuana to deal with morning sickness. They say marijuana may impact fetal brain development, but admit the haze of smoke released during childbirth is kinda cool, and that the newborns are really chill.

Iowa Representative Steve King told a group of conservatives that humanity might not exist if not for rape and incest throughout human history. King then accepted the conservative group’s award for Smartest Man In Iowa.

The Barrington, Rhode Island team representing New England in the Little League World Series is denying sign-stealing accusations by the manager of the runner-up team from New Hampshire. Rhode Island’s manager denied the sign-stealing, saying he’s rubber and New Hampshire is glue.

Citing critical vulnerabilities in its software, Microsoft warned users of its Windows 10 operating system to update immediately — then immediately wait five hours for the update to finish.

Four Loko is introducing what it calls “the hardest seltzer in the Universe” at 14% alcohol by volume. The release date is unknown, but everyone assumes it coincides with the Gathering Of The Juggalos.

A man died during a taco eating contest at a minor league baseball game – he leaves behind a hard shell.

A French researcher studying ancient skeletons said Neanderthal men exposed to water and cold air suffered from “surfer’s ear”. He claims Neanderthals fell in the water more often due to difficulty staying upright surfing on pteradactyl beaks.

41% of millennials say they’ve considered skipping a friend’s wedding because they couldn’t afford the expenses. The other 59% are cool with their parents buying a gift.

Video circulated of Conor McGregor sucker-punching an old man in a Dublin, Ireland bar in a fight about whiskey — or, as it’s more commonly known, Irish Ultimate Fighting.


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