Wednesday Jokes: August 14th

Two guards at the Manhattan prison where Jeffrey Epstein killed himself have been placed on extended leave. Not the extended leave they were on when Epstein died — a different extended leave.

Dasani water will soon be sold in metal cans and bottles. Consumers can choose between Dasani Original and School Hallway Water Fountain flavors.

Comedian Whitney Cummings shared topless photos to shut down hackers extorting her after they accessed her iCloud. She then destroyed her iCloud by trying to back it up.

Pabst Blue Ribbon is the latest entrant to the hard seltzer market – Pabst research determined that the marketplace lacked a hard seltzer that tastes like shitty beer.

A new app claims to help Instagram influencers find the most optimal locations to take photos.  The app tells young women the best location is “anywhere you take your clothes off.”

Marlène Schiappa, the French minister for gender equality, called herself ‘sapiosexual’ – a term describing someone who’s attracted to a person’s intelligence more than their face or body. Melania Trump also called herself sapiosexual, for being attracted to a sap.

American Airlines apologized after leaving nine special needs children stranded in an airport for 13 hours. Worse, when they finally flew them home, they boarded in Group 8.

Apple may change the naming structure for iPhones away from Roman numerals. The successor to the iPhone XR [10 R] is rumored to be the iPhone 11. They’re also changing the pricing structure to say it will cost over $M.

A Swedish court found A$AP Rocky guilty of assault. He’s not expected to return to Sweden A$AP.

Placido Domingo is accused of sexual assault. The Bellagio in Las Vegas plans to take the Domingo song “Time To Say Goodbye” off of the soundtrack to its famous fountain shows, and replace it with Domingo singing “Boom Boom Boom Let’s Go Back To My Room”.


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