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Pope Francis is set to leave the hospital after inpatient treatment of bronchitis. He had a final dinner of pizza delivered by a naked teenage boy.

Oscar Pistorius was denied parole by a South African court. He can reapply in another year, and until then will be impatiently tapping his shins.

New research suggests Tyrannosaurus Rex had lips over its teeth. Unfortunately for females, their arms were too short to apply lipstick. [Story h/t to E.T.]

A Duke University professor wants to enact legislation prohibiting companies from intruding on the human brain’s function. Except for residents of the southern U.S., who don’t have anything to worry about.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled a popular hoverboard, the Jetson Rogue, for fire risk that caused two deaths, and for injuries to a middle-aged man yelling “Jane, stop this crazy thing!!”.

March 30th is “Ivy Day” – when Ivy League colleges issue acceptance to prospective incoming freshmen. March 31st is “Safety School Day” for obvious reasons.

Donald Trump was indicted by a Manhattan grand jury on more than 30 counts of business fraud. He still faces potential legal action for inciting the January 6th riot, misuse of classified documents, and lying about his height, weight and genitals on 30 different dating sites.

Coca Cola Company is planning to introduce a “bolder, fruitier-tasting” Fanta Orange soda. They reformulated after consumer taste testing on college campuses, food fairs, and the Gathering Of The Juggalos so Coke execs could see some boobs.

A TikTok’er explained why he took a smiling selfie video at a Starbucks where a man lay stabbed to death on the floor. It took two-minutes for him to say “views”.

Coverage of The Masters on streaming platforms will have “digital commentary generated by artificial intelligence”. The comments will include yardage, club selection, difficulty, and which female spectator Tiger Woods will take a run at.

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A GOP Senator who watched the White House security briefing on Iran called it “the worst briefing he’d ever seen”. Asked what made it so bad, he said “the 15 minutes of Trump 2020 ads and previews of other assassinations before it started”.

At his introductory press conference, Dallas Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy admitted lying in his job interview about watching every play of every 2019 Cowboys game. Similarly, Joe Judge, new coach of the New York Giants, is expected to admit he lied about wanting to be head coach of the New York Giants.

CEO Pat Brown of meat substitute company Impossible Foods attended the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, calling the meat industry “the most destructive technology on Earth by far.” Brown added that he hadn’t heard of Facebook or Twitter.

14 men & women beat out over 10,000 applicants to become members of the Disney Parks Moms Panel – a group that answers questions from people planning Disney vacations. So far, the most common question they’re asked by parents is how to ditch their kids.

Nintendo faces criticism for not providing prize money for Esports tournaments featuring its Super Smash Bros fighting game. The criticism comes from older parents hoping their 30-year-old sons win enough money to move out of the basement.

New York City’s subway removed 300 cars from service for safety reasons. Most were removed because doors could open while the car was moving; the rest because of the smell of people sleeping in them.

Carnival Cruise Lines is banning apparel with offensive, racist and obscene messages. Most cruise passengers approve of the ban, although it resulted in cancellation of the High Seas Gathering Of The Juggalos.

Verizon announced they’re no longer offering promotional pricing and introductory contracts on their tv, internet and phone service. Conversely, Comcast/Xfinity announced they’re no longer telling customers what they’re being charged until the bill arrives.

First cousins Angela Peang and Michael Lee, both 38, face jail time in their home state of Utah because Peang is five months pregnant with Lee’s baby – which is illegal in the state. They haven’t decided whether to have the child in Utah, or seek Inbred Asylum in Mississippi.

Amazon-owned Ring admitted that they fired employees because they watched videos of Ring camera users. The employees claimed it was for security reasons, but Amazon human resources countered that their pants were at their knees.

 

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Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham is pregnant. She’s looking forward to doing some plus-plus-sized modeling.

United Airlines tightened its alcohol guidelines for pilots; they’re now banned from consuming alcohol in the 12 hours prior to a flight. United pilots said they’re fine waiting until takeoff to get hammered.

Doctors are concerned about pregnant women smoking marijuana to deal with morning sickness. They say marijuana may impact fetal brain development, but admit the haze of smoke released during childbirth is kinda cool, and that the newborns are really chill.

Iowa Representative Steve King told a group of conservatives that humanity might not exist if not for rape and incest throughout human history. King then accepted the conservative group’s award for Smartest Man In Iowa.

The Barrington, Rhode Island team representing New England in the Little League World Series is denying sign-stealing accusations by the manager of the runner-up team from New Hampshire. Rhode Island’s manager denied the sign-stealing, saying he’s rubber and New Hampshire is glue.

Citing critical vulnerabilities in its software, Microsoft warned users of its Windows 10 operating system to update immediately — then immediately wait five hours for the update to finish.

Four Loko is introducing what it calls “the hardest seltzer in the Universe” at 14% alcohol by volume. The release date is unknown, but everyone assumes it coincides with the Gathering Of The Juggalos.

A man died during a taco eating contest at a minor league baseball game – he leaves behind a hard shell.

A French researcher studying ancient skeletons said Neanderthal men exposed to water and cold air suffered from “surfer’s ear”. He claims Neanderthals fell in the water more often due to difficulty staying upright surfing on pteradactyl beaks.

41% of millennials say they’ve considered skipping a friend’s wedding because they couldn’t afford the expenses. The other 59% are cool with their parents buying a gift.

Video circulated of Conor McGregor sucker-punching an old man in a Dublin, Ireland bar in a fight about whiskey — or, as it’s more commonly known, Irish Ultimate Fighting.