Wednesday Jokes: September 4th

Walmart announced they’ll stop selling ammunition for assault-style weapons. Sam’s Club announced a name change to Sam’s Gun Glub.

Ivanka Trump cut her hair in a blunt bob above the shoulders. “Who’s the hot soccer mom?” her Dad asked an aide when Ivanka returned to Washington.

McKrae Game, founder of Hope for Wholeness Network, a conversion therapy program designed to rid people of their gay identities, came out himself as gay. Friends and program participants grew suspicious when he expanded Disco Night to 7 nights/week.

Grocery chain Kroger asked its customers to no longer openly carry firearms into stores. If two people are fighting over the last rotisserie chicken, a store manager will flip a coin to settle it instead of the usual shootout.

Jonah Hill is engaged to girlfriend Gianna Santos. Santos is picking out a dress, and Hill is deciding whether to be big or thin.

Four 10-year-old white boys posted an online diss track directed at Cardi B, with hurtful lines like “you belong in a zoo” and “they could fix your teeth but they couldn’t fix your face.” Cardi replied “go drink your motherf**king milk”. Security is being beefed up for the 4th Grade Talent Show.

Viral video showed a rat falling into a deep fryer at a Whataburger restaurant in Texas. His family requests privacy during this difficult time as they mourn at a nearby Burger King.

Mental health websites in Europe were discovered to be sharing user data with advertisers, according to people bombarded with ads asking if they were “crazy about Perrier.”

A kilo of cocaine washed up on a Melbourne, Florida beach in the wake of Hurricane Dorian. Dorian now owes El Chapo’s cousin twenty grand.

Michigan became the first state to ban flavored e*cigarettes. Ohio seized on the opportunity to boost tourism, announcing the Watermelon Juul Pod Festival.


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