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A female gibbon gave birth despite being isolated in her cage at a Japanese zoo for two years. The gibbon is expected to start a lucrative consulting business for family-minded lesbians.

The U.S. shot down more unidentified objects in North American airspace following last week’s takedown of a Chinese spy balloon. In other news, the pilot of the Goodyear blimp hasn’t been seen in over a week.

The state of Kentucky saw its first-ever infant dropped off at a fire station “baby box” after legislation passed permitting the legal surrender of children in this manner. The parents then returned the next morning after having a great evening out.

An online think tank is warning of Spamouflage – a Chinese online propaganda operation where ‘deepfake’ news anchors spread misinformation about the U.S.. However, they say no threat is posed by human meteorologists on local newscasts with deepfake breasts.

The Federal Trade Commission is seeking to ban non-compete clauses, which they say prevent 30 million Americans from finding new jobs. Though the FTC tells parents their child is lying when they say a non-compete clause is keeping them from a McDonald’s job after getting fired at Burger King.

A woman was stopped after attempting to steal a child from a shopping cart at a Colorado Walmart. Employees apprehended her, then forced her to scan the baby in the self-checkout lane.

Google Maps plans a big upgrade to introduce Immersive View – which merges Street View and aerial images, creating immersive 3D environments you can look at right before your drive into a guard rail.

The catalytic converter was stolen off the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile in Las Vegas. It’s unclear if the thieves will get fair value for it if it was exposed to nitrites, relish, and mustard.

Megan Fox no longer follows Machine Gun Kelly on Instagam, sparking rumors that she’s split with the singer, after being split by him for over a year.

Following her Super Bowl halftime show, Rihanna’s rep confirmed she’s pregnant with a second child. The NFL & Apple announced next year’s halftime performer will be her baby, who’s expected to have more complicated dance moves.

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Sarah Palin is entered in today’s special election in Alaska. Palin admits that she doesn’t understand the state’s new ranked-choice voting system, but hopes for enough support to make it to the Hollywood rounds of American Idol.

The Flash star Ezra Miller apologized for his recent behavior, including an arrest for felony burglary and assault allegations. Miller claims to be dealing with complex mental health issues and entered treatment, which he expects to complete in a fraction of a second.

An 88-year-old South Carolina woman living in a gated senior living community died after falling in to a pond. Unfortunately for her, the pond was a senior living community for alligators.

Christopher Lowe, director of the Shark Lab at Cal State Long Beach said “swimmers are bitten, but rarely consumed [by sharks] – proving humans are not on their menu”. That, or sharks just prefer a lower-fat diet.

The U.S. Government cancelled $3.6 billion in student loan debt accrued by former students of the now-defunct ITT Technical Institute. Average credit scores soared 20 points for Burger King employees.

A metal object from an aircraft fell from the sky and landed near the Maine State Capitol. It was identified based on writing scribbled on a piece of duct tape reading ‘Property Of Spirit Airlines’.

The World Health Organization is holding an open forum to rename monkeypox because of concerns the current name is derogatory or have racist connotations. Newly suggested names are Washington Virus Team and Cleveland Guardians.

A dog contracted monkeypox in the first known human-to-pet transmission. The dog reportedly slept in a bed with two infected men; the dog insists it slept-slept, not the other thing.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences apologized to Native American Sacheen Littlefeather for abuse she endured when appearing to refuse Marlon Brando’s 1973 Oscar for The Godfather on his behalf. Then they screwed up again when the apology included a peace pipe.

Tiger Woods is flying to Wilmington Delaware, site of the PGA Tour’s BMW Championship, to strategize how the PGA should handle player defections to the Saudi-backed LIV Tour. The visit was confirmed by a memo distributed to Wilmington-area hostesses at Perkins and TGI Fridays restaurants.

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Michigan kindergartners drank Jose Cuervo ready-made margaritas because a classmate brought the bottle in for snack time thinking it was juice. The children are all okay, and there’s now a waiting list to be Snack Mom.

NASA teleported a hologram of a doctor to the International Space Station. The astronauts were all pretty pissed off at the $100,000 copay.

Burger King’s largest franchisee is cutting the number of chicken nuggets in an order from 10 to 8. They say the other two died of bird flu.

Shania Twain joined Harry Styles on stage at Coachella to perform ‘Man, I Feel Like A Woman’ – but looked at Styles and sang ‘Man, You Look Like A Woman’.

Florida’s Department of Education rejected 54 math textbooks from kindergarten through 12th grade curriculum, saying that they contained prohibited content like Critical Race Theory, common core learning, and fractions.

The City of Philadelphia faces a lawsuit from business owners over the reinstatement of its indoor mask mandate. It’s the first-ever lawsuit with paperwork that opens with the phrase “Not for Nothing…”

To prevent the spread of bird flu, wildlife officials are recommending not putting out bird feeders. But if you do, mix the bird feed with Dayquil.

Ever Forward – a container ship stuck in the Chesapeake Bay for a month – has been freed. They were able to remove the cargo faster with the help of teenagers tricked into thinking several of the 40-foot containers contained Playstation 5’s they could have.

A Queens, New York woman was stabbed over 50 times, stuffed in a duffel bag, and dragged several blocks to a street corner, leaving sidewalks stained with blood. Police have not yet ruled out foul play.

The FDA authorized the first breath test for COVID, on the same day it approved new & improved Listerine with Monoclonal Antibodies.

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Customers are suing Burger King, claiming the meat in their Whopper isn’t as big as it appears in promotional photos. The customers say they got the idea from people lodging similar complaints on Grindr.

For a single day last week, wind turbines provided more electricity than coal & nuclear power combined in the United States. Unfortunately, thousands of the homes powered by the turbines were destroyed in the tornados.

In a new poll, 63% of Americans say Russian President Vladimir Putin “cannot remain in power”. In the same poll, 100% of Americans say they “don’t plan on doing anything about it”.

15-year-old Anna Leigh Waters is the youngest Pickleball champion in the U.S., having won five doubles titles with her mother, and splitting $25 in prize money.

The United States expanded sanctions against Russia, freezing the assets of Vladimir Putin’s two daughters. “Buddy, why didn’t you tell me you had daughters?” asked Donald Trump.

Cracker Jack will begin selling Cracker Jill. There are no nuts, and Jill keeps asking to exchange the prize in them.

Parents unplugged the Ring security camera in their 3-year-old boy’s bedroom after he claimed a voice from it asked him if he wants ice cream. Before being unplugged, the voice said it owed the kid ice cream because he danced naked like he’d been asked to.

April 7th is both National Burrito Day and National Beer Day. April 8th is unofficially National Sexual Abstinence Day, which officially starts after dinner on April 7th.

Google now lets users combine text and images when conducting online searches. So far, the top search query is clothed photos with the text ‘do you have this, only naked?’

Kenan Thompson and his wife are divorcing, but are not commenting about What’s Up With That?

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Burger King is selling Whoppers for 37 cents this weekend, but reminds cheapskates planning to load up that they make terrible, smelly stocking-stuffers.

Google Maps added the ability to place restaurant reservations. “For the thousandth time, we don’t take reservations” said annoyed workers at a New Jersey Turnpike rest area Roy Rogers.

The first U.S. case of the Omicron COVID-19 variant was identified in San Francisco. It’s expected to spread rapidly because it’s just too expensive to live there.

Alec Baldwin told ABC News George Stephanopolous he “didn’t pull the trigger” on the gun that fired a lethal shot on a movie set. The NRA then promptly added the Easy Shoot Cowboy Pistol to its 2021 Holiday Buyers Guide.

Christian televangelist and anti-vaxxer Christian Lamb died from COVID-19. His wife announced the news on their Daystar Television Network, saying COVID came in like a lion, and took out a Lamb.

After failing to reach a new labor agreement, Major League Baseball owners voted unanimously to lock out players. A reminder that this lockout is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer, the official hard seltzer of Major League Baseball. For the loudest flavors ever, it’s Bud Light Seltzer.

Tesla unveiled the $1,900 ‘Cyberquad’, a fully-electric children’s all-terrain vehicle. However, purchasers have to build it themselves with instructions from a 22-page manual, so kids should be driving it around Christmas 2025.

A new dinosaur species found in Chile had a unique bladed tail it would slash as a weapon, proving that even male dinosaurs would risk it all trying to chase some tail.

Pope Francis accepted the resignation of Paris Archbishop Michel Aupetit over his “intimate relationship” with a woman, with “intimate” defined by the Vatican handbook as “over the sweater second base”.

A study of National Basketball Association players & staff found vaccinated people with breakthrough COVID infections may be less likely to spread the virus. They tested a sample of NBA players, and an even bigger sample of their away-game side pieces.

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NASA said a newly-discovered planet with ‘iron rainfall’ is even more extreme than they thought, based on the countless numbers of umbrellas it’s broken.

After adding the Impossible Whopper to its menu two years ago, Burger King is testing Impossible plant-based chicken nuggets. Burger King says this aligns with their strategy of making their whole menu Impossible to eat.

Congress agreed to a temporary lifting of the federal debt ceiling until December, saving Christmas.

A Federal judge temporarily blocked Texas’ controversial ban on abortions for fetuses older than six weeks. He issued his ruling from the waiting room at Planned Parenthood.

Florida cops searching for fugitive Brian Laundrie say they’ve found a “fresh camping site” in the Carlton Reserve swamps. They found tanning spray and bleached blond hair with split ends, and determined the campsite was Dog The Bounty Hunter’s.

KISS frontman Paul Stanley told website Ultimate Classic Rock the exact date when the band is over – January 1st, 1993.

Bank of America raised its minimum wage for workers to $21/hour – so, thanks to ‘bankers hours’, workers can rake in up to $42/day.

A corporate executive was the only person on a 386-seat widebody aircraft flight from Abu Dhabi to Singapore on Etihad Airways. Unfortunately, his carry-on was deemed too big for the overhead compartment and he was forced to gate-check it.

Old Country Buffet was acquired by a restaurant holding company, who said they have no plans to revive it. They did say they planned to remove people from closed locations who still refused to leave until they brought out more fried shrimp.

Wednesday, October 6th marked the first anniversary of Eddie van Halen’s death, and the end of terrible year-long tribute guitar solos from tone-deaf hacks.

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The manager and eight employees at a Nebraska Burger King all walked out on their jobs and put ‘WE ALL QUIT’ on the large marquee sign in front of the restaurant. “Have it your way” said the owner.

Goldfish dumped in Michigan lakes are growing to over a foot in size, wreaking havoc with ecosystems. Wildlife experts don’t know how to get rid of them, since they’re too large to flush down a toilet.

The U.S. Government began issuing tax credit payments of $3,600 for children under age 6. Demand is surging for platinum rims and high-wattage stereos for tricycles.

Luxury watchmaker Tag Heuer debuted a Connected x Digital Watch featuring Super Mario that will retail for $2,150. Only 2,000 units will be sold, mostly to wealthy collectors who want to impress 10-year-olds.

Coca-Cola is changing Coke Zero Sugar to make it taste more like regular Coke Classic. They’re also considering changing the formula of Dasani Water to make it taste even more like a rusty schoolyard fountain.

Martin Lawrence’s daughter and Eddie Murphy’s son are dating, in what’s expected to bring a truly vulgar & hilarious breakup.

Cardi B gifted her daughter Kulture a diamond necklace for her 3rd birthday. Kulture then lost several baby teeth attempting to eat it.

Billionaire Melinda Gates visited New York City, with a security detail of six bodyguards and three SUVs. “Nice meeting you” said her Match.com date.

Actress Megan Fox said she visited Costa Rica and tried hallucinogen ayahuasca, saying she “went to hell for an eternity”. Fox now knows what it’s like to sit through one of her Transformers movies.

American Airlines crew duct-taped a woman to her seat after she experienced an in-flight “mental health episode” and tried to open the jet’s door. The woman said she chose American because Spirit Airlines charges $49 for the tape.

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A Memphis woman leaned in to a Burger King drive-thru window and fired gunshots because she thought the wait was too long. A Burger King spokesperson said they don’t expect gunshots over wait times, they typically draw gunfire because the fries are terrible.

Target’s new program lets parents recycle child car seats, cribs and strollers in exchange for coupons. So far they’ve received thousands of recyclable items, and hundreds of babies.

Experts warn coronavirus is still transmissable at warm-weather beach locations. They say COVID-19 can be contracted by handling rented beach chairs, in public showers & restrooms, or being bitten by unvaccinated sharks.

Visitors to Donald Trump’s new website, 45Office.com, can pay to receive a “personalized greeting” from Trump or his wife. Greetings from Melania in the nude cost more, nude greetings from Donald are standard.

Police are dealing with a juvenile crime wave along the Atlantic City boardwalk. They remain on the lookout for suspects looking to redeem over 2 million skee-ball tickets.

A Southwest Airlines pilot is accused of indecent exposure on a flight from Philadelphia to Orlando. He later resigned, but argues he was in the right because he’d turned off the fasten zipper sign.

Actress Thandiwe Newton – formerly Thandie – is now reclaiming her original name. Casting directors are catching on, sending emails reading “Hi Thandiwe – we gave the part to Zoe Saldana instead”.

Walgreens violated guidance by giving second doses of Pfizer COVID-19 vaccines four weeks after the first dose – not three – because it was easier. They agreed to adjust to three weeks, unless a customer has a Buy One Get One Free coupon, in which case they’ll give both doses at once.

A toxic wastewater reservoir in central Florida is at risk of collapse, releasing a wave of water that could destroy local fish & wildlife. They’re hoping to prevent the damage by pumping out 100 million gallons of toxic water per day, and transferring it to a local Dasani bottling plant.

Harvey Weinstein is appealing his rape conviction in New York, claiming witnesses were chosen to make him appear ‘loathsome’. Prosecutors disagree, saying they chose witnesses to make him appear ‘gross’.

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Egyptian researchers unearthed what’s believed to be the world’s oldest mass-production brewery. Then they discovered it made Coors Light, so they buried it again.

The Los Angeles School District eliminated 133 positions for police officers in city schools. So the Bloods & Crips took over the Drama Club and will use real weapons in the Spring musical production of West Side Story.

Much of Texas remains without power following severe winter weather. It’s so cold, Mexicans are building a wall to keep Texans from sneaking in and stealing the heat.

Republicans in Congress are blaming the ‘Green New Deal’ for Texans freezing, despite no such program ever being enacted – unless you count the Texas GOP letting residents freeze to death, which is the Gangrene New Deal.

Amidst fierce competition from McDonald’s, Popeyes and others, Burger King is updating its chicken sandwich to the one you get at McDonald’s or Popeyes.

Britney Spears shared an image of a Scrabble board, asking fans to “decipher this code”, adding “I think this Ouija board is broken”.

Court documents reveal Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene filed for divorce while having an affair with a tantric sex guru, but called it off because she didn’t want to remarry and change her name to Mrs. Marjorie Taylor Tantric Warrior.

Apple is updating emojis with its latest OS release, including the addition of a helmet to the rock-climber emoji, and a life-support system to the fallen rock climber emoji.

The European Space Agency seeks astronaut candidates with physical challenges or disabilities. The Russian Space Agency has already filled their opening with a three-legged dog.

Bam Margera was removed from the cast of ‘Jackass 4’, because he couldn’t control his addiction issues long enough to be reliably shot in the scrotum with a tennis ball cannon.