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Philadelphia’s drinking water was contaminated by a chemical spill in the Delaware River. Until further notice, city residents are advised to shoot their water before drinking it.

Florida may ban elementary school students from learning about or discussing menstruation. Three girls were already suspended for asking who the substitute teacher is for first period English.

A Family Dollar worker fatally shot a shoplifter. The store is closed, but a line is forming outside for customers wanting Dollar Shots.

Ye – formerly Kanye West – said he now likes Jews again after watching Jonah Hill’s performance in 21 Jump Street. Then he watched Hill in The Sitter and he’s on the fence again.

A 4-year-old hacked his Mom’s Amazon Prime account and ordered 51 boxes of SpongeBob popsicles. Two days later she received 51 boxes of SpongeBob popsicles and a Hitachi personal massager.

Walkouts among German airport, bus & railway workers brought the nation to a standstill Monday, as citizens struggle to cope with the Notten Muvin strike.

Actor Jeremy Renner shared video of his physical therapy, walking on an anti-gravity treadmill, as he recovers from injures suffered after being run over by a snowplow. Renner walked for 30 minutes then wiped the machine down before a guy who got run over by a truck used it.

Two Cuban migrants successfully fled their country and arrived at Key West Airport aboard a motorized hang glider. Air traffic controllers guided the two men aboard Spirit Airlines flight 544.

A woman who bit off the earlobe of a female Nordstrom security guard after being apprehended shoplfting was sentenced to 70 months in prison. The guard doesn’t want the earring back that the shoplifter swallowed.

The FDIC said First Citizens Bank has agreed to purchase troubled Silicon Valley Bank, and two days later had already collected $100 million in SVB overdraft fees.

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Walmart announced they’ll stop selling ammunition for assault-style weapons. Sam’s Club announced a name change to Sam’s Gun Glub.

Ivanka Trump cut her hair in a blunt bob above the shoulders. “Who’s the hot soccer mom?” her Dad asked an aide when Ivanka returned to Washington.

McKrae Game, founder of Hope for Wholeness Network, a conversion therapy program designed to rid people of their gay identities, came out himself as gay. Friends and program participants grew suspicious when he expanded Disco Night to 7 nights/week.

Grocery chain Kroger asked its customers to no longer openly carry firearms into stores. If two people are fighting over the last rotisserie chicken, a store manager will flip a coin to settle it instead of the usual shootout.

Jonah Hill is engaged to girlfriend Gianna Santos. Santos is picking out a dress, and Hill is deciding whether to be big or thin.

Four 10-year-old white boys posted an online diss track directed at Cardi B, with hurtful lines like “you belong in a zoo” and “they could fix your teeth but they couldn’t fix your face.” Cardi replied “go drink your motherf**king milk”. Security is being beefed up for the 4th Grade Talent Show.

Viral video showed a rat falling into a deep fryer at a Whataburger restaurant in Texas. His family requests privacy during this difficult time as they mourn at a nearby Burger King.

Mental health websites in Europe were discovered to be sharing user data with advertisers, according to people bombarded with ads asking if they were “crazy about Perrier.”

A kilo of cocaine washed up on a Melbourne, Florida beach in the wake of Hurricane Dorian. Dorian now owes El Chapo’s cousin twenty grand.

Michigan became the first state to ban flavored e*cigarettes. Ohio seized on the opportunity to boost tourism, announcing the Watermelon Juul Pod Festival.