Wednesday Jokes: February 12th

Andrew Yang ended his Presidential campaign, citing difficulty gaining voter recognition from behind his face mask.

The World Health Organization officially named the Wuhan coronavirus COVID-19. Next up, the W.H.O. is throwing COVID-19’s gender reveal party.

Cable company Optimum announced price increases up to $30/month for tv packages, citing “increased costs of programming that you never watch.”

Google Nest home security cameras will require two-factor authentication beginning this spring. After entering the first password, the hacker looking at your kid’s bedroom will ask for the second password sent to your email.

Philadelphia is considering widespread changes to its public bus routes. They claim statistics show buses are running slower than ever; and by “statistics” they mean the number of pedestrians run over by buses.

Cambodia will allow a Holland America cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus to dock, after five other countries refused it. Cambodian officials agreed to let the ship in after the captain told them how much food they had on board.

Pope Francis delayed a decision whether to allow married men to serve as priests in the Amazon region, adding that, until he does, they’re free to keep up whatever crazy jungle love they’ve got going on.

JD Power released its 2020 list of the Most Dependable Vehicles. Topping the list – the Lexus ES. The least dependable vehicle is the one driven by your stoner buddy who said he’d pick you up at the airport.

Scientists have detected an “unexplainable radio signal” from outer space that repeats every 16 days. The scientists have repeatedly attempted to make contact with the signal source, but have yet to win Mötley Crüe tickets.

A new online startup, Ever Loved, promises to disrupt the funeral industry, offering caskets for 50% less than those sold by mortuaries. Although some buyers are put off by the caskets sold as Certified Pre Owned.

 

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