Vladimir Putin decreed plans to annex four territories to make them officially part of Russia – three in occupied Ukraine, and Mar-a-Lago.

Lebron James is buying a Major League Pickleball team. “I will be taking my talents to Miami” said the team’s 79-year-old captain.

Google announced that its Maps navigation app will ‘vibe check’ new neighborhoods you’re visiting, based on artificial intelligence and user feedback. Drivers exploring new Philadelphia and Chicago neighborhoods report getting lots of ‘carjack vibes’.

A study claims the average person has sex 5,778 times in a lifetime. Women report the 5,778 sexual encounters lead to roughly four orgasms.

A new docuseries ‘I Love You, You Hate Me’ explores the dark side of children’s show Barney & Friends, including the purple dinosaur’s illicit workplace relationship with costar Baby Bop.

Amazon is rolling out the first major software update for its $999 robot dog, Astro. Owners are hopeful it will reduce incidents of the dog pissing on the rug.

Mark Zuckerberg’s Little-League baseball card sold for $120,000. The back of the card listed Zuckerberg’s personal statistics, and instructions on how to access the personal information of several billion other people.

Elon Musk said Tesla’s Cybertruck – arriving in 2023 – will be able to temporarily serve as a boat. “Wow, just in the nick of time!” said residents of Florida’s Gulf Coast.

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Los Angeles landed in Texas because a female passenger repeatedly yelled “we’re all going to die!” The woman explained that by ‘we’ she meant everyone else who ordered the chicken salad snack box.

Apple executive Tony Blevins, vice president of procurement, is leaving the company after appearing in a Tik Tok video saying he “has rich cars, plays golf, and fondles big-breasted women” for a living. Blevins now plans to pursue a career in rap.

The NFL’s Cleveland Browns banned a fan who hit team owner Jimmy Haslam in the head with a bottle following the Browns loss to the New York Jets. Dozens of fans who threw bottles at Haslam and missed retain the privilege of paying to see the Browns.

The COO of meat substitute maker Beyond Meat was arrested for biting the nose of a man during an altercation after a college football game. The man’s nose will be reconstructed from ground lentils and tofu.

Elton John will perform at the White House. It will be Elton’s first 2pm performance in years, followed by an early bird special where President Biden will ask him whatever happened to his bandmates in the Bay City Rollers.

300 workers at Home Depot in Philadelphia filed to form a labor union – but none of them know what aisle the caulk is in.

Philadelphia Eagles cornerback Darius Slay intercepted a pass during the team’s Monday night game over the Minnesota Vikings, then gave the football to Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden. Harden then demanded the football be traded for a beer and nachos.

A New York City weatherman was fired after he posed nude on an adult webcam site. Viewers could expect anywhere from six to eight inches.

Donald Trump ally Kash Patel published a children’s book about a rigged election. Since it’s not a pop-up book, Trump is not expected to read it.

A U.S. health panel now recommends all adults under age 65 be screened for anxiety. Although they don’t have any ideas for what to do about adults with anxiety about doctor visits.

A judge halted the execution of an Alabama inmate who requested to die by nitrogen hypoxia, after his lawyers argued he would suffer “irreparable injury” from lethal injection. Alabama prison officials argued that irreparable injury is kind of the whole point of execution.

A Kentucky prosecutor was suspended for offering to assist a female defendant if she sent him nude photos. The prosecutor said he was just trying to help out his cousin.

The Uvalde, Texas high school football team won its first game of the season. Fired Sheriff Pete Arredondo waited outside the stadium for 80 minutes deciding if he wanted to go in.

A new fashion trend, ‘dolphin skin’, has emerged on social media, to describe a glistening, hydrated, fresh-out-of-the water look. It’s led to a more troubling trend of people sharing pics of the dolphin skin around their blowhole.

Fans of HBO’s Game of Thrones spinoff House of The Dragon are angry that the new show uses the same Game of Thrones opening theme song. Producers say they were forced to do so after they requested, and were refused, permission to use the theme to Facts Of Life.

Actor Charlie Sheen settled a lawsuit from an ex who claimed he knowingly exposed her to HIV in 2015. Sheen is paying $120,000 to settle the claim of HIV exposure – and $10,000 each for herpes, syphilis & chlamydia.

Jennifer Lopez is angry that a video of her singing to Ben Affleck at their wedding reception was leaked to the press, because all guests signed non-disclosure agreements. She’s even angrier that someone else leaked that the reception had a cash bar.

NASA postponed the launch of its new moon rocket due to a fuel leak and another engine problem. The launch will take place Friday at the earliest, according to the guy who ordered the fuel gasket at Auto Zone.

It’s the first day of school in the City of Philadelphia. Facebook & Instagram have already taken down hundreds of Back-To-School pictures of K-6th grade children holding guns.

Flight attendants reportedly broke up a fistfight between the pilot and co-pilot of an Air France flight from Geneva to Paris while the jet was in midair. The flight landed safely, and none of the weak punches did.

To commemorate National Cinema Day on September 3rd, theater chains will offer tickets for $3 to see one of the 3 movies actually showing in cinemas.

Poe, the Baltimore Ravens mascot, was carted off the field after injuring his leg during a halftime Mascots v Youth Footballer game. Asked if he’ll play in future games, the Raven said “nevermore”.

A bullet struck a Comcast headquarters building in downtown Philadelphia, shattering a window. Police narrowed the suspect list to about 30 million Comcast customers.

Caesars Palace will not be hosting Adele’s residency in 2022. A spokesperson for the venue said “dude, you’re not gettin’ Adele”.

The Duffer Brothers, creators of Stranger Things, warn that Season 4 “will not have a happy ending.” This, despite Hawkins Massage parlor opening in the Upside Down.

Ugandan Mariem Nabatanzi holds the record for most children, having given birth to 44 kids by the time she turned 40. She is currently single, and also holds the record for the world’s most effective Tinder profile.

A Texas school district banned skirts & dresses for girls after fifth grade, saying it promotes professionalism. Shorts are still acceptable, so students can prepare for their professoinal careers at Hooters.

Roe v Wade was officially overturned. Planned Parenthood used the occasion to announce its new Travel department.

A University of Georgia study finds 75% of teens aren’t getting enough exercise, but they’ll give it a try after they watch enough Tik Tok videos to get the hang of it.

Actress Denise Richards joined Only Fans one week after her 18-year-old daughter Sami Sheen did. They can be found in the new Family section.

DALL-E 2, the world’s most advanced artificial intelligence, made its magazine cover debut on the front of Cosmopolitan. Boyfriends looking at it think the artificial intelligence needs bigger artificial breasts.

LA Guns guitarist Tracii Guns played his band’s entire set in Plano Texas from an air conditioned bathroom stall behind the stage, because high heat triggers his panic disorder. Critics said LA Guns live show is now in the toilet like the rest of their career.

A woman glued her hand to the floor of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball court during a game against the LA Clippers, to protest Wolves owner Glen Taylor’s treatment of chickens on his egg farms. The woman is less concerned about the treatment of horses used to make the glue.

Ryan Fischer, the man shot while walking Lady Gaga’s dogs, is concerned that the shooter was mistakenly released from jail due to a clerical error. He’s no longer walking the dogs, because they somehow managed to buy guns to defend themselves.

MSNBC announced Rachel Maddow’s show will only air on Mondays instead of every weeknight. Lesbian Democrats are disappointed, but happy that they just freed up four hours a week on their DVRs.

Gilbert Gottfried died, and edged past Norm Macdonald on Twitter posters’ list of Greatest Comedians Ever.

Ronald Reagan’s assassin John Hinckley sold out an upcoming concert this July in Brooklyn. He already considers himself more successful giving music a shot.

A manhunt is underway for Frank James, a person of interest in the New York subway shooting. Police are baffled since James rented a U-Haul in Philadelphia and managed to get out of that city without getting truckjacked.

Texas sent its first busload of immigrants to Washington D.C. Texas Governor Greg Abbott then fired his assistant after finding out she bought them all roundtrip tickets.

Following the ejection of first base coach Antoan Richardson, the San Francisco Giants replaced her with assistant coatch Alyssa Nakken, making her the first woman to coach on-field in an MLB game. The game went on for a while, because every signal she gave came with a ten-minute story.

Los Angeles gangs are responsible for a rash of recent violent crimes targeting the rich and famous in affluent neighborhoods. It’s so bad, MS-13 is now MS-90210.

A 5-foot by 6-foot stone slab was discovered during renovations at Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, etched with grafitti left over the course of centuries. Translators determined the etchings were mostly “names and addresses of cute teenage boys”.

The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

A Philadelphia day care was robbed. Police describe the suspects as wearing “Stick ‘Em Up” Pull-Ups.

Louis C.K. won Best Comedy Album at the Grammys. Several women backstage couldn’t believe he pulled it off!

Coca-Cola is launching Coca-Cola Byte, a limited edition flavor that the company claims tastes like “pixels”. To the average consumer, ‘pixels” taste like aspartame and tooth decay.

Grammy winner Doja Cat almost missed her award presentation due to a bathroom break; fortunately attendants were able to find a litter box in time.

Google employees are angry that bidets are being removed from office toilets. A senior manager emailed “removal of bidets is my #2 issue with return to office”. A different manager replied “yeah, we know what bidets do”.

A German man received 90 COVID shots so he could sell his vaccine cards to unvaccinated residents. He was arrested, but not jailed, so he could still collect his award for CVS Pharmacy Customer Of The Month.

Martha Stewart’s four dogs killed her cat. Stewart said she will miss the cat, and regrets not having any recipes for it.

The working lyric sheet for Beatles hit ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is being sold, at a price of $450,000. Afterward, the lyrics and masters for ‘Yellow Submarine’ will be sold for $500,000, with the requirement that the buyer burn them.

All My Children‘ soap opera actress Susan Lucci’s husband, Helmut, passed away at age 84. Or…did he???

Researchers discovered sound travels much slower on Mars than on Earth – leading to renewed interest in colonizing Mars from old married couples who don’t want to hear their spouse’s boring stories.

Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

Scientists now claim there were three species of tyrannosaurs, not just Rex – but concluded Tyrannosaurus Seth & Tyrannosaurus Dakota weren’t tough enough to survive.

Major League Baseball, unable to reach a new collective bargaining agreement with players, cancelled Opening Day. Ticket holders are advised to make alternate plans to get drunk on a Wednesday afternoon.

Former The Bachelor-star-slash ‘out’ gay man Colton Underwood got engaged in Big Sur, and is happy that he found his Big Sir.

Felicity Ace, a cargo ship carrying thousands of luxury cars like Lamborghinis & Porsches, sunk in the Atlantic Ocean after it caught fire. Filming begins next week on The Fast & The Furious: Crabs vs Sea Turtles.

Jon Bon Jovi turned 60, and is now Livin’ On A Medicare.

Republican representatives and serial imbeciles Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene repeatedly heckled President Joe Biden during his State Of The Union address, but were allowed to stay because they’d each met the two-drink minimum.

Doctors report the pickleball craze is leading to a rash of hospital visits among baby boomers. Players are advised to employ stretching exercises before games, and to always bring their defibrillator.

Philadelphia dropped its mask mandate, allowing city drivers to see the smiling face of their carjacker.

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine may increase in the price of beer, according to the Brand Manager in charge of the wild new flavors of Bud Light Hard Seltzer!!

Juli Boeheim, wife of Syracuse University basketball coach Jim Boeheim, was robbed at gunpoint outside of the city’s Destiny USA shopping mall. The robber was credited with a steal, and Juli with a turnover.

Following Russia’s invasion of eastern Ukraine, the United States imposed strict new sanctions – starting with Netflix only offering one episode of Russian-language shows each week instead of releasing the whole season at once.

National Guard troops will be deployed to Washington DC to break up trucker convoys who intend to block traffic in protest of pandemic restrictions. So far the truckers haven’t arrived because traffic is already pretty terrible.

Google updated its Google Assistant software, so saying the word “Stop” is all that’s needed to get it to stop talking while it answers your question. However, they warn that using it on your wife is still a bad idea.

Sony unveiled its new virtual-reality gaming headset, the PlayStation VR 2. No release date was given for the headset, or for what’s expected to be its most popular game, the one where the kid wearing it pretends he actually gets laid.

Game publisher Activision announced they won’t release a Call Of Duty video game in 2023. If gamers really need a new experience shooting things up, Activision will offer discount trips to Chicago and Philadelphia.

Weight loss influencer Lexi Reed, who’d dropped 312 pounds in five years, returned home after being treated in the hospital for organ failure. She’s excited about her new, lighter, liver and kidneys.

Upstart pro football league USFL began its first player draft, with each team selecting a quarterback. First overall pick was the guy you screamed “YOU SUCK” at when he played for your NFL team.

China claims rocket debris set to collide with the Moon are not from its 2014 lunar mission – a claim disputed by NASA, who say the debris has been orbiting the moon with its turn signal on for over seven years.

Pepsi is launching Nitro Pepsi, a canned cola infused with nitrogen gas which delivers a “silky, foamy” texture to go along with your sugar-powered toothache.

Rosie O’Donnell apologized for comments assuming actress Priyanka Chopra was author Deepak Chopra’s daughter. O’Donnell is expected to have her mind blown when she meets several people named Patel.