Kevin Durant of the NBA Brooklyn Nets tested positive for COVID-19. He’s concerned his body doesn’t know how to play defense.

The City of Philadelphia advised officers not to make arrests for minor crimes to prevent COVID-19 exposure risk, so instead they’re just shooting people who try to steal donuts. 

A resident of Spain attempted to walk the streets in an inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex costume while their city is on lockdown. Before he could be apprehended, he was killed by three other Spaniards dressed as velociraptors.

Around the country, municipalities and hospitals are setting up drive-thru test sites for the coronavirus. So far, the biggest challenges are shortages of COVID-19 test kits and french fries. 

Gamestop cancelled a midnight release event for new video game Doom Eternal, saying that doom will be arriving pretty soon, anyway. 

Dollar General and Target are dedicating specific times each week for senior shoppers and those with underlying health concerns –  allowing parking lot muggers to plan their day accordingly. 

The Federal Aviation Administration closed a control tower at Chicago Midway airport after workers there tested positive for coronavirus. In its place, pilots were radioed a recorded message saying “just take turns”. 

A Google Chrome browser extension called ‘Netflix Party’ lets users watch Netflix content on their computers and chat at the same time. It’s proven to be a lot more popular than ‘Pornhub Party’. 

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is now receiving protection from Secret Service agents, who reintroduce themselves to him every morning. 

A Kentucky man who tested positive for coronavirus checked himself out of a hospital, but is now forced to remain at home by sheriff’s deputies. Yet, in accordance with Kentucky law, he’s still allowed to sit in a rocking chair on his porch clad only in overalls while clutching a rifle.