One Florida teenager died after at least two teens took turns shooting at each other while they wore body armor. In other news, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet has temporarily discontinued sales of body armor.

Adidas terminated its partnership with Kanye West over his antsemitic remarks. West said that, in addition to Parler, he’ll buy the rights to, and reopen, Payless Shoe Source.

WhatsApp suffered a serious outage on Tuesday, as technicians worked feverishly to restore users ability to send and receive encrypted nude photos.

Real estate site Point2 claims there are only four cities in the U.S. where the average American can afford a ‘starter home’: Detroit; Memphis; Tulsa; and Oklahoma City. Point2 admits they could probably afford North Dakota, but admit nobody really wants to live there.

A global helium shortage threatens the viability of MRIs, which need liquid helium to cool the magnets inside. Doctors say they’re prepared with a tried-and-true backup plan: unnecessary surgery.

President Joe Biden tweeted the federal deficit was reduced by $1.4 trillion, so maybe he’ll get Ukraine those guided missile defense systems for Christmas, after all!

A Michigan man was arrested and charged after a TikTok video showed him abusing a child. People who watched the video were then served up 50 more videos of other people hurting children.

Utah recorded their first human-caused avalanche of the year in the Wasatch Mountain Range. This followed several avalanches caused by coyotes hoping to kill birds using Acme-brand detonators.

A German doctor was ordered to pay the $13,000 medical costs of a woman who overdosed and died after he covered his penis in cocaine before she performed oral sex. The doctor argued he should only pay $12,965 dollars since the woman hadn’t made her copay.

Five tourists were stuck in Grand Canyon Caverns for 26 hours when an elevator used to exit the caverns stopped working. They said it wouldn’t have been so bad, but the mules they rode to the bottom were in the elevator with them.

Experts refuted a report that Boston University had created a newer, deadlier COVID strain in a lab, determining instead that someone spilled Samuel Adams Oktoberfest into a petri dish.

A woman who had once faked her own kidnapping 13 years ago and fled to Disney World to avoid embezzlement charges is now accused of embezzling from her new employer. Her defense attorney says Disney World has gotten, like, crazy expensive.

Meghan Markle said that her time as a ‘briefcase girl’ on game show Deal Or No Deal made her feel like a ‘bimbo’. Producers of the show say they’re disappointed to hear this, saying they were going for more of a ‘hooker’ vibe.

Apple increased the price of its entry-level iPad from $329 to $449. For the extra money you get a larger screen, USB-C charging, and exclusive preloaded porn you can watch on the toilet.

Two Wyoming college wrestlers on a hunting trip were seriously injured when they were ambushed by a grizzly bear. Their wrestling coach joined wildlife officials in trying to find the bear, so he can offer it a full scholarship.

Barack Obama said Democrats need to avoid being a “buzzkill”. “Yeah, man, I can dig it, you get your Blink-182 tickets yet, Barry?” said his hepcat friend Joey Biden.

Netflix shares rose after posting better-than-expected subscriber growth, which management attributed to murder and cannibalism.

Passengers in business class on a United Airlines flight from Tampa to Newark shrieked when they discovered a garter snake on the floor. Workers removed the snake, who then berated gate agents for causing it to miss its connection to London.

A week after deleting her Instagram account, Britney Spears posted a nude photo on Twitter, saying “I have a premiere for a movie this week ‘THE LEGISLATIVE ACT OF MY P—Y’ !!!!” So far, ‘The Legislative Act Of My P—y‘ is getting way better reviews than her 2002 movie ‘Crossroads‘.

Actor Matthew Perry said he nearly died several years ago when his colon burst because of opioid addiction. He was placed in a coma and had to use a colostomy bag for nine months, which kind of explains why the Friends reunion took a while.

Herschel Walker is alleged to have fathered a child with a woman, and also paid for her abortion – showing Walker can either run with fatherhood, or pass on it.

Peloton is cutting 500 more jobs, but is offering outplacement to fired workers, giving them names and addresses of Peloton owners so they can go help fold the clothes hanging on their bikes.

Joe Biden and Ron Desantis met in Florida to monitor disaster relief efforts following Hurricane Ian. Biden returned to Washington, but only after removing 100 immigrants that Desantis snuck into the cargo hold of Air Force One.

Kanye West defended his White Lives Matter shirt – writing of white lives via Instagram “THEY DO” mattter. “Well, I guess we’re inviting him to the cookout!” said the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK.

Adam Sandler said he has trouble maintaining the same body weight over the course of a three month movie shoot. His frequent costar Kevin James said he has the same problem over the course of an eight-hour workday.

A high school golf team cancelled practice when they arrived at their course to find a local strip club was hosting a tournament featuring exotic dancers. Most of the team left, but a few of them stayed behind hoping to watch or play a few holes.

A woman’s soccer coach at a Texas university was suspended amidst allegations of her ‘making out’ with mens soccer players, and asking her team to loan her bail money after a DUI. She is now evaluating teaching offers from multiple Texas high schools.

SEPTA, Philadelphia’s mass transit authority, announced their new plan for crime, cleanliness and drug use in stations: ignore all of it.

The FBI allegedly tracked ‘Queen Of Soul’ Aretha Franklin for 40 years due to suspected ties to “black extremists”. The newly-released files were titled S-U-S-P-E-C-T.

An American tourist broke two ancient sculptures at the Vatican after he was refused a visit with the Pope. The sculptures are currently being restored, marking the first time His Holiness has blessed tubes of Gorilla Glue.

79-year-old Joe Biden told 60 Minutes that the pandemic is over, referring to COVID-19 and his childhood battle with the black plague.

A Utah polygamist sect is accused of unpaid labor, sex abuse, human trafficking and not letting anyone drink caffeinated coffee.

Queen Elizabeth was laid to rest after a brief 14-hour funeral ceremony.

Nissan recalled 200,000 pickup trucks because of a rollaway risk while in ‘Park’ – delighting owners who now have a great excuse for not helping their friends move.

Donald Trump said that the FBI agents who “ransacked” his Mar-a-Lago home didn’t even remove their shoes before searching his bedroom – unlike the Secret Service agents who enter the bedroom to ‘protect’ Melania.

Queen Elizabeth’s scone recipe is going viral following her death, and following the choking deaths of dozens of people eating them.

Two tickets to Michael Jordan’s first Chicago Bulls NBA game in 1984 are expected to sell at auction for over $300,000. Or, with Ticketmaster fees, about $600,000.

Brett Favre is implicated in a scheme to use Mississippi state welfare funds to build a new volleyball stadium at his daughter’s college. He faces home imprisonment where he’ll be monitored via Copper Fit ankle bracelet.

Denver’s airport has the world’s largest animal therapy program, with dozens of dogs walking throughout the airport where anxious travelers can pet them. Philadelphia’s airport has the largest animal employment program, where gorillas take their time handling checked bags.

An Arizona milkshake shop broke a world record by creating 266 different flavors in over an hour. They were then given a terrible Yelp review by a 75-year-old customer waiting an hour to get the vanilla shake they ordered.

A high school in a Philadelphia suburb mistakenly received a FedEx shipment of guns. The guns were forwarded to their rightful owner, but teachers held them and are kind of on board with guns in classrooms now.

Scientists say cooked mealworms have a meat-like flavor that could be added to fast food as a source of protein. “Way ahead of you” said the head chef at McDonald’s test kitchens.

Elon Musk is being criticized for using a private jet for a 9-minute flight from San Jose to San Francisco, a distance of 35 miles. Musk said he and a woman on board wanted to join the Quarter-Mile High Club.

A woman sued her psychiatrist for approving her gender transition to male after just one meeting. The woman no longer considers herself a man, but the psychiatrist still thinks she’s a dick.

Astronomers discovered a black hole so gaseous that it actually emitted noise in space. NASA plans to name the black hole, creating a bidding war betweeen Chipotle and Arby’s

An Oklahoma teacher was suspended after sharing a link to access books banned in her district via an online library. She plans a vigorous defense, that most of her students in Oklahoma can’t read anyway.

Sylvester Stallone’s wife filed for divorce. She requested half of marital assets, and to never have to watch Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot or Over The Top ever again.

The Hills star Kristin Cavallari admitted to fans via Instagram that she got a breast lift after feeding her three kids. She said her ex-husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – gripping them like a football didn’t help matters either.

Joe Biden announced $10,000 in student loan cancellation, delighting graduates who can now default on $10,000 less debt.

‘Long Hots & Sharp Provolone’ is the winner of the ‘Flavored By Philly’ potato chip flavoring contest sponsored by regional chip maker Herr’s. It was selected as the flavor best representing Philly, narrowly edging out Fentanyl.

You Tube’r Gabbie Hanna is being called ‘tone deaf’ for a video where she tells her 7 million followers that they can overcome depression with hobbies like jet skiing. In other news, a dozen teenagers are missing after renting jet skis and never returning.

New Jersey is just days away from instituting a plastic bag & foam container ban. Crackheads will either need to bring their own bag, or carry their purchase in a body cavity of choice.

Comcast/Xfinity & Charter/Spectrum – the U.S.’ two biggest cable tv providers – are teaming up to manufacture & distribute streaming video devices & smart TVs to compete with Roku, Google & Amazon. They say their analysis determined that the streaming hardware space was lacking “terrible customer service”.

Harvard University released a detailed report of its involvement in the U.S. slave trade, including faculty and staff that owned slaves. Harvard said they couldn’t have finished it without the exhaustive research provided by unpaid interns.

Akihiko Kondo, a Japanese man who married a hologram of a 16-year-old girl and identifies as “fictosexual”, said he can’t speak to her anymore because her software is broken. He worries he may never know the results of her pregnancy test.

An 11-year-old Filipino boy was able to survive a landslide by taking refuge in a refrigerator – an ordeal he described as ‘chilling’.

Vice President Kamala Harris is isolating after a positive COVID test. She’s being told to stay away from President Biden – which is on her to-do list every day, anyway.

Warner Brothers Pictures released the first images of actress Margot Robbie in the upcoming film ‘Barbie’. Robbie’s hair & makeup are minimal, but it takes two hours each day to put molded plastic over her crotch with a Mattel trademark.

China reported the first human infection of H3N8 bird flu. Health officials said H3N8 was the order number on the guy’s receipt at KFC.

Firefighters in Washington state were called to rescue a woman who fell into an outhouse toilet trying to retrieve her dropped cell phone. She was hosed down at the scene but was still refused service later that day at the Genius Bar.

Leslie Van Houten, convicted Manson Family murderer, had her parole recommendation reversed for a fifth time by California Governor Gavin Newsom and will remain in prison. Someone else will now have to bring potato salad to the Manson Family Reunion.

The United States will issue gender-neutral ‘X’ passports. Bored TSA agents will settle “what’s in the pants” wagers with impromptu pat-downs and strip searches.

After digging trenches to fortify their postition at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, Russian troops are suffering “acute radiation sickness”. Other Russian troops that occupied an abandoned Ukrainian McDonald’s are suffering from “regular sickness”.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating Google for forcing automakers to include Google Maps navigation with any Android Auto installation. Google is telling the Justice Department to get lost.

The NHL Detroit Red Wings fired Al Sobotka, their Zamboni driver of 51 years. No details were given, but Sobotka was last seen taking a rink sobriety test administered by Michigan Skate Troopers.

Google Search has added a ‘Highly Cited’ label to vouch for quality & accuracy when returning information about a story or topic. They’re considering adding a ‘Highly Aroused’ label to Incognito Mode searches.

Infamous Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse said on a podcast that his repeated calls to President Joe Biden have gone “unreturned…crickets”. A White House spokesperson said Rittenhouse hasn’t been called back because Joe Biden doesn’t have the number for Rittenhouse’s Paw Patrol Phone.

Paraplegic House Rep. Madison Cawthorn said he’s been invited to orgies and watched fellow Congressmen do cocaine. He later admitted to exaggerating, and walked – or, rolled – back his remarks.

A woman was awarded $5.25 million in damages when she discovered she was impregnated with her fertility doctor’s sperm, not the sample she’d selected. The woman recalled thinking it was unusual her treatment included dinner and a movie.

Bruce Willis announced his retirement from acting, just 25 movies after being diagnosed with a cognitive illness.

Actress Stephanie Beatriz said she recorded a song for Disney’s animated film Encanto while in labor. Another little-known bit of Disney folklore: the voice actors portraying the Seven Dwarfs in Snow White were at an orgy when they recorded the vocals for Whistle While You Work.

Western observers are concerned China may be helping Russia’s invasion of Ukraine by supplying inconspicuous items to Russian forces like spare parts and meals. They cite as evidence hundreds of menus left on Russian tanks.

Pete Davidson has backed out of a spot on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin sub-orbital space flight, after customer service refused his Free Companion Fare coupon and a request for an extra-wide seat.

A Russian Burger King franchisee refuses to close 800 Russian restaurants, but faces tough economic sanctions as the United States, Canada & European Union withhold the pickles and withhold the lettuce.

COVID deaths in Hong Kong are surging – crematoriums are at capacity and there’s a shortage of coffins. Worse, stores are selling out of the really big Ziploc freezer bags.

A Texas woman had a 20-pound tumor removed from her right ovary. It was so big, it was an ovary and an undery.

According to the Gallup World Poll, Finland is the World’s Happiest Nation for the fifth consecutive year. The United States ranked 16th, leading many to worry Americans will move to Finland and ruin it.

Paparazzi captured Kim Kardashian & Pete Davidson at a Los Angeles In N Out drive thru, then driving home where Pete got In N Out dozens of times later.

The first-ever Marvel Comics #1 from 1939 sold at auction for $2.3 million dollars. It’s extremely rare and features characters such as The Human Torch, Masked Raider, Submariner and President Joe Biden.

Wildfires throughout Central Texas are leading local officials to issue emergency evacuation orders. They were unable to reach Senator Ted Cruz until his flight landed in Hawai’i.

Walmart announced they’re hiring 50,000 more workers before May, 50 of whom are expected to still be there in June.

Drug overdose deaths reached a new annual record in 2021, caused by a surge in Fentanyl, and man-boosting Testofen in Nugenix Total T.

President Joe Biden demanded a faster reduction in gas prices. While at the gas station he also demanded three packs of wintergreen Life Savers and a bag of Werther’s Originals.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson is quitting after 13 years. Once a new CEO is confirmed, the Board Of Baristas will announce them by issuing a ceremonial cup with their name misspelled.

For the first time in the show’s history, ‘The Bachelor‘ Clayton Echard ended with every remaining Bachelorette either being dumped or rejecting him. In case you missed it, you can watch the same thing play out in every bar every Friday night.

Several NFL teams remain ‘in the mix’ for Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson. It’s believed the asking price is multiple first round picks to acquire Watson and his 20+ sexual misconduct lawsuits.

The International Court of Justice ordered Russia to cease its invasion of Ukraine. Moments later, Rudy Giuliani filed an appeal on Russia’s behalf.

A UFC fighter subdued a man who opened fire in a Houston sushi restaurant. If you want to see the surveillance footage, it’ll cost you $60 on pay per view this Saturday.

Marylin Miglin, the “Queen Of Makeovers” from Home Shopping Network, died after a stroke. Memorial contributions can be made in four easy payments.

Kanye West ripped Pete Davidson over Davidson’s joke about wanting to have sex with a baby. Davidson was also ripped by two dozen male open-mic comedians for stealing their premise.

Elon Musk confirmed that some monkeys died while testing his Neuralink brain-implant chips. Although the monkey’s surviving mates believe they were murdered because the chips made them smarter than Elon Musk.

Joe Biden is expected to nominate Ketanji Brown Jackson as the first black woman Supreme Court justice. Jackson, in turn, is expected to nominate Biden as the first old white dude at her cookout.

Dancing With The Stars professional Cheryl Burke filed for divorce from husband Matthew Lawrence, citing irreconcilable differences, and the two being out-of-step.

Aaron Rodgers was seen with Shailene Woodley. Though no longer engaged, the two remain Friends With Huddles.

India banned 54 Chinese smartphone apps over security concerns, including TikTok. Indian officials say if citizens want to watch housewives sing and dance, they can watch Bollywood movies.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle say they stand with the people of Ukraine…in the backyard of their California mansion.

John Mayer tested positive for COVID-19. Several groupies have bodies that are a wonderland, but can’t taste or smell.

New strains of bird flu have been detected in the U.S., reinforcing the misguided beliefs of Southern U.S. COVID deniers who say vaccines & masks are “for the birds”.

Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear blamed for dozens of home break-ins in the California mountains, may not be at fault based on DNA evidence collected by wildlife officials, and by raccoons who have been granted immunity for their testimony.

The View’s Joy Behar said on the show she’s worried the Russian invasion of Ukraine might impact her Italian vacation. Whoopi Goldberg then tagged Behar on her way out of suspension, as Behar tags in.

Sharon Osbourne, who was fired from her own daytime show, The Talk, said she would never go back because producing network CBS “sucks big-time d**k”. She was accompanied by husband Ozzy, who’s now interested in CBS.