Thursday Jokes: April 2nd

6.6 million people filed for unemployment benefits last week. Another 60 million are frantically closing and reopening their web browsers.

A New England Patriots team jet returned from China carrying over 1 million N95 masks, and 100 massage therapists.

Some health experts believe one in three people infected with coronavirus are getting a false negative test result – mostly women who are peeing on the test swab.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis is allowing church services to continue in the state, calling them ‘essential’. Pastors are picking up some extra money hosting wet t-shirt contests in Daytona Beach.

Researchers in the Netherlands say they can detect a rise in coronavirus cases by testing human waste. They can also detect that people really like to pass the time in quarantine eating peanut M&Ms.

Takhini Hot Pools in Canada’s Yukon territory shared photos of the winners of their Hair Freezing Contest – where entrants soak in a hot tub, then let their hair freeze in the frigid air above it. For legal reasons, the only pictures shared were of above-the-waist winners.

LSU head football coach Ed Orgeron filed for divorce from his wife, Kelly. Kelly then filed documents with the NCAA to transfer to another football coach.

’90 Day Fiance’ star Jorge Nava – jailed in 2018 for illegally possessing over 100 pounds of marijuana – plans to divorce wife Anfisa Arkhipchenko when he’s released in May. Nava said he’s spent time in prison losing weight, and trying to spell his wife’s name right on divorce papers.

College students are petitioning their schools to change from traditional letter grading to a Pass/Fail system. Or, in New York & New Jersey schools, to Live/Die.

Pennsylvania reopened online liquor sales through its state-owned stores, causing the site to promptly crash. They plan to restart it, accepting payment from credit cards or direct deduction from stimulus checks.

 

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