Friday Jokes: April 3rd

Tom Brady is reportedly renting Derek Jeter’s mansion while he lives and plays in Tampa Bay. Though they’re both married, Jeter told Brady to help himself to the surplus gift bags he used to give departing one-night hookups.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says the U.S. is “not even at halftime” in the fight against coronavirus. Worse, he announced the halftime show is Black Eyed Peas.

Scientists advise closing the toilet seat lid before flushing, to prevent ‘aerosolized feces’ from escaping the toilet bowl and spreading coronavirus. Coincidentally, Aerosolized Feces is also the poorest-selling variety of Airwick spray.

An analysis by The Motley Fool shows that a $1,000 investment in Walmart during the 2008-9 Great Recession would be worth three times that much today. Someone who started working at Walmart in 2008 would have accumulated about $1,000 today.

Some Americans will wait up to 20 weeks to receive their $1,200 stimulus check – four weeks for the first check to be sent, then another 16 weeks to get a replacement because the mailman cashed the first one.

Target announced they’ll begin limiting the number of shoppers in stores as a safety measure to ensure social distancing. Walmart also announced new safety measures, hiring hundreds of referees to work toilet paper fistfights.

Sony announced their post-apocalyptic Playstation adventure game The Last of Us II is delayed indefinitely because of the COVID-19 pandemic, but promised to use the extra time to add a new level, ‘Fort Lauderdale Spring Break’.

University of Pittsburgh researchers believe they may have isolated a working COVID-19 vaccine. The problem is, it’s an oral vaccine delivered in Iron City Light beer.

The WNBA postponed the start of its 2020 season due to COVID-19, a move unlikely to impact attendance.

Kim Kardashian will star in a prison reform documentary – it focuses on the effort of her buttocks to escape her shapewear.

 

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