Wednesday Jokes: May 20th

The University of Kentucky fired its cheerleading coaches after finding the squad engaged in hazing, excessive drinking and partial nudity at cheer events. The University President said “we’ve got to be. aggressive. be, be aggressive.”

Police arrested a GrubHub driver for running over the owner of a restaurant who demanded that he socially distance. The driver contends he was just trying to knock the victim six feet away.

A Los Angeles company is selling women’s underwear with names like ‘Cuomo’ & ‘Fauci’ printed near the crotch. “Well, I’m out” said potential sex partners of women wearing the underwear.

Usain Bolt’s girlfriend, Kasi Bennett, gave birth to their daughter, who posted a disappointingly slow time sprinting out of the birth canal.

Massage parlors in Pinellas County, Florida are allowed to reopen. The milestone was celebrated with a flyover – and landing – from the New England Patriots team jet.

Tattoo parlors in Pinellas County were also allowed to reopen. Florida men & women waited in long lines to get face tattoos of masks.

European budget airline Ryanair has new rules for passengers during the pandemic, including raising your hand to go to the bathroom. In the U.S., Spirit Airlines also asks passengers to raise their hand, so the flight attendant can collect your “bathroom bag”.

The U.S. Treasury Department is sending out 4 million prepaid debit cards to Americans instead of stimulus checks, with a small number of Limited Edition Platinum cards for registered Republicans not on welfare.

Instagram is introducing “Guides” – a way for publishers to post longer form wellness tips. So far, however, most of the Guides are breathing exercises while you stare at women with large breasts and buttocks.

Kristin Cavallari’s reality show, ‘Very Cavallari’ is being cancelled due to her pending divorce. It’s being replaced with a show about a hot female Instagram model who runs errands for her ex-husband, ‘Cutler Butler’.

 

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