Tuesday Jokes: July 14th

Three teens died in Brooklyn after their cars collided in a vacant lot while doing donuts. About a dozen disappointed cops arrived at the scene after hearing ‘donuts’.

A woman in Japan was found to have a black worm living in her tonsils after she ate contaminated sashimi. The woman recovered and the worm was returned to the 60 -degree refrigerated case at 7-Eleven.

Claudia Conway – daughter of Kellyanne & George Conway – said she’s being kicked off of social media as punishment by her parents. Since she’s 15 years old, thin and blond, she’s being grounded in the West Wing.

Reigning WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne said her request to opt out of the upcoming season due to past Lyme disease has been denied. The league said if she wants she can wear ‘Don’t Get Lyme Disease’ on her jersey.

School districts in Los Angeles and San Diego will conduct classes online-only in the fall. Teachers having inappropriate relationships with students will be limited to cybersex.

A Colorado squirrel tested positive for bubonic plague. The squirrel agreed to self-isolate for 14 days at one of your bird feeders.

Tucker Carlson’s head writer, Blake Neff, resigned after admitting to making racist and sexist posts in an online forum. Neff apologized, saying he mistakenly posted the material online when it was intended to go on Carlson’s teleprompter.

For the first time in months, New York City reported zero COVID-19 deaths – but several people died after New Yorkers fired guns into the air to celebrate the good news.

White Castle restaurants introduced Flippy, a robot that can flip burgers and fry food. “Stop calling me Flippy” said the 46-year-old divorced recovering addict working at White Castle.

Scientists studying voles – small rodents living in China – found their feel-good dopamine levels increase when they eat their own poop. They believe it’s because it’s better than whatever their partner made for dinner.

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