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Jeopardy! champion Brian Henegar deactivated Twitter after viewers repeatedly compared his appearance to that of Adolf Hitler. Henegar was angry, but felt better when he saw the Final Jeopardy! category of ‘Human Atrocities’.

Marjorie Taylor Greene, visiting New York to protest the indictment of Donald Trump, called the place ‘disgusting’ and ‘repulsive’. She then finished her lunch at Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen and went to the protest.

Guitarist Mick Mars sued Motley Crue, saying he was kicked out of the band, is being denied profits, and that the band is using recordings instead of playing live. The band denies using recorded vocal tracks, saying Vince Neil sounds terrible either way.

Country music doofus Travis Tritt will no longer allow Anheuser Busch products in his tour rider after Bud Light partnered with a transgender influencer. The loss of a case of Bud backstage at Tritt’s Mississippi county fair shows means the loss of 90% of that state’s economy.

As part of a reorganization, McDonald’s is closing regional offices that assist with the operation of restaurants, resulting in a dozen unemployed clowns.

7-Eleven’s parent company is evalutaing selling the convenience store chain. Although it’s more likely that several investment bankers will show up with guns and steal it.

Eight Washington DC fifth grade students were hospitalized after eating gummies containing a “controlled substance” given to them by a classmate. Kids called 911 complaining that the playground tag game with the sickened students was “way too slow”.

Georgia police are investigating a murder/suicide at a Chick-fil-A drive thru. “My pleasure!” said the coroner.

In a new documentary, Pope Francis says sex is “a beautiful thing”. ….. “for you, maybe” replied Vatican altar boys.

Thieves stole $500,000 worth of Apple products after breaking in to an Apple Store through a bathroom wall. The store subsequently fired several Genius Bar workers advising customers on using the toilets during the robbery.

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Three teens died in Brooklyn after their cars collided in a vacant lot while doing donuts. About a dozen disappointed cops arrived at the scene after hearing ‘donuts’.

A woman in Japan was found to have a black worm living in her tonsils after she ate contaminated sashimi. The woman recovered and the worm was returned to the 60 -degree refrigerated case at 7-Eleven.

Claudia Conway – daughter of Kellyanne & George Conway – said she’s being kicked off of social media as punishment by her parents. Since she’s 15 years old, thin and blond, she’s being grounded in the West Wing.

Reigning WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne said her request to opt out of the upcoming season due to past Lyme disease has been denied. The league said if she wants she can wear ‘Don’t Get Lyme Disease’ on her jersey.

School districts in Los Angeles and San Diego will conduct classes online-only in the fall. Teachers having inappropriate relationships with students will be limited to cybersex.

A Colorado squirrel tested positive for bubonic plague. The squirrel agreed to self-isolate for 14 days at one of your bird feeders.

Tucker Carlson’s head writer, Blake Neff, resigned after admitting to making racist and sexist posts in an online forum. Neff apologized, saying he mistakenly posted the material online when it was intended to go on Carlson’s teleprompter.

For the first time in months, New York City reported zero COVID-19 deaths – but several people died after New Yorkers fired guns into the air to celebrate the good news.

White Castle restaurants introduced Flippy, a robot that can flip burgers and fry food. “Stop calling me Flippy” said the 46-year-old divorced recovering addict working at White Castle.

Scientists studying voles – small rodents living in China – found their feel-good dopamine levels increase when they eat their own poop. They believe it’s because it’s better than whatever their partner made for dinner.

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Dozens of people were killed in a stampede during a funeral procession for Maj. General Qassim Suleimani in Iran. Officials blamed the first-come, first-served post funeral buffet lunch.

Jury selection begins today in the Harvey Weinstein trial. The judge refused Weinstein’s request to interview prospective jurors in a hotel room wearing a bathrobe.

Zhenmeat, a Beijing start-up, is attempting to launch a meat-substitute business in China. starting with a plant-based pork substitute. They plan other products, but say it’s hard turning plants into chicken feet.

To combat ‘deepfake’ trickery, Facebook said it will remove videos that are heavily manipulated by artificial intelligence. Facebook will continue to allow videos that are manipulated by no intelligence.

7-Eleven terminated a franchise in Japan because the owner closed on New Year’s Day. 7-Eleven found out the franchisee closed after hearing local emergency rooms failed to see a single patient on January 1st who was food poisoned by microwave burritos.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck Puerto Rico. President Trump is meeting with disaster response officials to ensure they have enough paper towels.

Owners of the Nintendo Switch gaming console filed a class action lawsuit, claiming the system’s controllers are defective. They’re seeking replacement controllers and compensation for the time-out they got for throwing a tantrum when they lost a game.

Amidst stories of predecessor Gregg Easterbrook flirting with female employees,  McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski is taking steps to change the company’s party-like executive culture, starting by stripping Ronald of Chief Executive Clown status.

Samsung debuted a new TV that rotates to optimize vertical images and videos from smartphones. They say landscape mode is still optimal for looking at breast pics & videos, but that vertical is best for penises.

Pill bottles full of bedbugs were found in a Pennsylvania Walmart changing room. Police don’t know if it was an act of sabotage, or a botched delivery to the Mattress Firm next door.

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Website 24/7 Wall Street reviewed unemployment filings to find the most secure jobs. Optometrists, veterinarians, and real estate appraisers had the highest job security; Presidential Cabinet Members had the lowest.

The searing heat in the western U.S. could raise the temperature of the pavement in Las Vegas to 147 degrees. “Come on, 150!” said a gambling addict who bet the over.

Public schools in South Dakota now display the phrase “In God We Trust” in 12-inch letters. The next challenge is giving more than half of South Dakota public school students the ability to read it.

A customer with a handgun shot two robbers at a 7-Eleven in Virginia Beach, killing one. The other was treated for internal injuries from gunshot wounds and the microwave burrito he ate during the robbery.

A Florida man is being treated for a potentially lethal infection on his buttocks caused by flesh-eating bacteria. The flesh eating bacteria are being treated for severe food poisoning.

‘Revenge Body With Khloe Kardashian’ featured a former L.A. gang member trying to get in shape at a boxing ring. The gang-banger said the boxing training was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, along with shooting people and fighting off Khloe Kardashian’s marriage proposals.

McDonald’s reported their biggest sales growth since 2012. CEO Steve Easterbrook cited new menu items, updated stores, and Americans just giving up.

A North Carolina man gave his wife a birthday cake decorated to look like her favorite thing, an Amazon delivery box. Before the party started, the cake was stolen.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met face-to-face with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and said afterward that they “don’t have that many differences” – overlooking their differing points of view on impeachment, and Pelosi never having been nearly that hot.

A 7 pound 11 ounce baby born on July 11 at 7:11pm was given a $7,111 college fund by 7-Eleven…who then recognized their mistake and instead gave the infant seven dollars ane eleven cents.

 

 

 

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President Trump issued government shutdown threats via Twitter, saying his $5 billion border wall is effective, and that he “knows tech better than anyone.” Trump then set down his unsecured smartphone and asked Barron how the thing he’s holding makes Mario’s go-kart move on the tv.

A GoFundMe for the border wall is now one of the site’s Top 5 biggest money-raisers ever. The campaign was started by a Purple Heart recipient and triple-amputee, who echoes Trump’s sentiment that wall-climbing is hard.

Valeri Spiridonov, a Russian man in Florida suffering from a muscle-wasting disease, canceled plans to undergo the world’s first head transplant after his wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Spiridonov said that at this magical time of year, it’s better to give head than receive it. [ h/t to SES ! ]

  • Meanwhile, nobody is more relieved at the transplant being called off than the donor.

Svetlana Zhakarova, a former mistress of one-time New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, claims that while his wife was away, he snuck her into his NYC apartment in a suitcase. She called the experience humiliating, but added that she swears by the quality and storage capacity of Samsonite luggage.

Amazon announced that Prime Now members who order by 9p.m. on Christmas Eve will get packages delivered before Midnight. In tandem, Amazon Prime Now Dirtbags guarantee that they’ll steal it off of your porch by 1a.m. Christmas morning.

Wawa, Sheetz & 7-Eleven all announced that they’ll be open all, or part, of Christmas Day. They invite families to stop in to grab a hot drink, or just sit in the parking lot to watch customers and gain a better understanding of Seasonal Depression.

WhatsApp chat groups are spreading illegal child porn. Parent company Facebook claimed they’re doing all they can, with Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg clicking the Wow! emoji on the story after she read it.

Pope Francis urged sexual predator priests and bishops to turn themselves in. As for cardinals, he said they should hold off because he needs some help moving furniture when he gets a new apartment on January 1st.

A former chemistry major at Lehigh University admitted to poisoning his roommate’s food & drink with toxic metal thallium. The chemistry major fell just short of getting an automatic 4.0 because his roommate lived.

Samsung is reportedly working on its own version of Google Pixel’s popular low-light photography feature ‘Night Sight’, to be called Bright Night. Samsung said Galaxy phone owners feel left out because they can’t take flashless naked selfies in the dark without awaking their spouses.

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Researchers at Boston University believe they have established a biomarker for detecting CTE in professional football players – they’re calling it “a pulse”.

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner died at age 91, from blood clot complications in a priapism that he’d kept going since 1986.

Mark Zuckerberg fired back at the President, who had called Facebook ‘anti-Trump’. Zuckerberg said Facebook is not ‘anti-Trump’ .. just anti-privacy and – for a modest advertising fee – anti- any race, religion or ethnicity.

Trump spoke at a rally in Indiana to introduce his new Tax Reform proposal; details are sparse since it’s still being audited.

Axios reports that President Trump is physically mocking GOP Senators John McCain & Mitch McConnell in private for their failure to support him. Once Trump nails his Obama impression, he’ll join Rich Little for a rally in Branson, Missouri.

 

Authors from six public interest groups graded 25 fast-food chains for their actions to reduce antibiotics in menu items. Only Chipotle and Panera Bread received ‘A’s; McDonald’s & Wendy’s received ‘C’s. Sonic got an F. Arby’s received an Incomplete because testers were too sick to finish.

A 47 year-old British man was x-rayed and diagnosed with a lung tumor, which was later revealed to be a Playmobil toy traffic cone he had inhaled at the age of 7. Doctors removed the cone, saying it should have come out during a prior surgery to remove several toy cars he’d inhaled that were parked around it.

Jane Fonda appeared on Megyn Kelly Today to promote her new movie with costar Robert Redford. Fonda curtly lashed back at Kelly’s questions about her plastic surgery. Redford’s face could be seen laughing as it poked through the third button down on his shirt.

Friday is National Coffee Day, with a number of coffee shops and stores offering deals. This year, however, 7-Eleven will not be offering a deal. Store owners are encouraging customers to just walk out without paying for it like they always do.

Maye Musk, the 69 year-old mother of tech billionaire Elon Musk, is the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics. Maye is easy, breezy, beautiful and pissing off other senior women who  sure as hell could use that money more than her.

Medical journal The Lancet reports that roughly half of abortions worldwide are unsafe. Among the most risky locations? – Latin America, and the Pocono Mountains near Kellerman’s resort.