Kanye West said he’s never read a book. For once, the world readily believes him.

Woody Allen said he has no intention of retiring. Coincidentally, Hollywood financiers said they have no intention of giving him any more money to make movies.

WNBA stars are opting not to spend their offseason playing basketball in Russia, citing the invasion of Ukraine and the imprisonment of Britney Griner. They say it’s a difficult decision because of the money, and the number of attractive Russian women.

Sources say Google’s new Apple Watch competitor, the Pixel Watch, will be priced at $349 at launch – and $199 when it’s on clearance six months later.

Peloton added a $3,195 rowing machine to its lineup of fitness equipment, so the bike you’ve stopped using doesn’t get lonely.

A new social media challenge has teenagers cooking chicken in Nyquil. Despite sending dozens of teens to the hospital, KFC is now offering Nyquil as a dipping sauce.

A Jack In The Box employee fired gunshots at a drive-thru customer following an argument over curly fries. The employee missed, but then the customer pulled up to the second window and was hit.

An Italian man tested positive for COVID-19, monkeypox and HIV all in the same day. He told his recent sex partners “I think you should get tested…and tested..and tested.”

A nurse on Only Fans says she was fired because co-workers were watching her adult content while on the job. But now she knows why doctors were bringing their laptops in to the operating room.

A 27-year-old man in India shoved an 8-inch can of deodorant in to his rectum, where it remained for three weeks until doctors removed it. They were able to lubricate the area with the contents of a can of shaving cream he’d also shoved up there.

Married math & science teachers are both accused of inappropriate sexual contact with an underage high school student. They did, however, pique his interest in STEM education.

A Colorado Avalanche fan was banned for the season after scattering a small amount of his deceased friends ashes on the ice. Avalanche officials said the only foreign objects allowed on the ice are pucks, blood, teeth, and, of course, hats if someone scores three goals.

Viral video shows a British Columbia woman rescuing her pet goose from an eagle attack, while breastfeeding her infant child. She rebuffed advances from the eagle, who said that he was still hungry also.

An alligator dragged and killed a person in a pond near the Myrtle Beach, SC Golf & Yacht Club. Officials say the alligator was euthanized, and earlier this year had been kicked out of the club.

A Burger King employee went viral for showing off the measly gifts – including a movie ticket, mug & Life Savers – given to him for his 27-year anniversary spitting in hamburgers at the same restaurant.

Disney/Pixar’s ‘Lightyear’ underperformed at the box office, with speculation that some viewers avoided it because of a gay female character. Exit polls said if people wanted to see animated lesbians, they can go to a WNBA game.

A recent airline survey named Kansas City, MO the best city for a ‘working vacation’ – defined by the survey’s authors as “a sh!tty vacation”.

A bullfighting arena in Colombia collapsed, leading to immediate regret by everyone who wore a red shirt to the bullfights.

Costco recalled a solar lighting patio umbrella because it could overheat and create a fire hazard. Customer are advised to return it, or to only use it indoors.

A South Carolina man won $100,000 using a $25-a-week spending strategy he saw on the TLC show ‘Lottery Changed My Life’. Hundreds of thousands of other viewers are out twenty-five bucks.

Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

The WNBA New York Liberty waived Layshia Clarendon, the league’s first trans & non-binary player. After being claimed off waivers, Clarendon now identifies as a Minnesota Lynx.

Fans have been banned for dumping popcorn, throwing a water bottle, and spitting on, players in Washington, Philadelphia and New York. The fans explained they behaved this way at NBA Playoff games because they couldn’t get NHL Playoff tickets.

Ben & Jerry’s still have not introduced their new CBD-infused ice cream. They say more consumer education is needed to keep people from trying to smoke it.

Kate Winslet said she told the director not to edit out her bulging belly during a sex scene in HBO series Mare Of Easttown. She also told the director not to listen to her male co-star, who asked for a 24-year-old body double for the scene.

Pope Francis has rewritten Catholic Church law regarding sexual abuse, insisting bishops take immediate action against priests who abuse minors and vulnerable adults. This replaces the Church’s existing ‘Twenty Strikes” rule for sex abuse.

China wants couples to have more kids. The government had restricted families to one child, but expanded that to three, saying all those iPhones and iPads aren’t going to build themselves.

World #2 tennis player Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open, citing anxiety and depression. Osaka plans to work through her faults.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson says he sees no evidence why England can’t reopen in June. Residents are excited to dine on terrible British food in restaurants so they don’t have to make it for themselves at home.

Tiger Woods said rehab from leg injuries suffered in a car crash is “more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced….including gonorrhea”.

A baseball player in the Dominican Republic was banned for life after attacking a home plate umpire with his bat and batting helmet. The player went 1-for-2, hitting the ump with the bat, but missing with the thrown helmet.

Derek Chauvin will not testify in his own defense at his murder trial. Chauvin informed the judge that it was his sole decision, just after his lawyer took his knee off of Chauvin’s neck.

The Chauvin trial jury is now expected to deliberate murder charges for the duration of an elevator ride to the jury room, then take another ride back to the courtroom and announce their conviction.

Democrats introduced legislation expanding the Supreme Court to 13 justices, and a separate bill to add a second Judge Judy who isn’t so mean all the time.

Mercedes-Benz debuted the EQS, its new all-electric car. The EQS has a ‘Power Nap’ mode for rest stops that reclines the seat, darkens the cabin, plays soothing sounds, and wakes up the driver if they’re having a bad dream about being poor.

Scientists have grown hybrid monkey/human embryos that survive up to three weeks in a lab. An unnamed investor is hoping combo monkey/humans can be fully developed so they can staff Amazon Warehouses.

Dr. Dre must find a new lawyer in his divorce proceedings, because his attorney had represented both Dre & his estranged wife in the past. The attorney objected, but the judge overruled his motion to dismizzle.

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez broke off their engagment. During this difficult time, neither asks for privacy.

The WNBA held its annual draft last night. “Really? I missed it.” said multiple players drafted by the WNBA.

A rare condition known as ‘superfetation’ resulted in a British woman conceiving a second child three weeks after first becoming pregnant, then delivering both as twins. She almost achieved superduperfetation, but the twins told a triplet to get lost.

Cuba’s Raul Castro, 89, resigned as Communist Party President. He said he hoped to celebrate with a cigar, but is worried his skin will catch fire.

Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

Cellmate, a chastity sex toy that covers the penis and is controlled by an app, left users at risk of permanent lock-in due to a security flaw. Nevertheless, the Coalition of Gay Locksmiths said they’d be happy to help out anyone who’s stuck.

The Seattle Storm swept the Las Vegas Aces 3 games to 0, winning the WNBA title. Rioters flooded the streets, but that’s every weeknight in downtown Seattle.

Two women shared a Nobel Prize for “rewriting the code of life”. Unfortunately, the rewritten code of life is the CRISPR gene editing tool, not a zero-calorie mojito recipe. [joke h/t to KBM]

Mike Pence’s team reportedly doesn’t want a plexiglass barrier at the Vice Presidential debate – he prefers an opaque curtain so he doesn’t have to see another woman.

Cruise lines are reducing the number of vessels, and some send retired ships to Aliaga, Turkey so they can be torn apart and sold for scrap. Workers tearing down the ships say the hardest part is getting all the bodies of old people out of the way.

QAnon has been removed from Facebook – but remains a proud founding sponsor of Parler.

Slack announced that in 2021, users will be able to send Slack messages to workers at other companies – a breakthrough that will let employees sexually harass people who work somewhere else.

Two more Tennessee Titans tested positive for COVID-19, putting Sunday’s game at risk after last weekend’s was postponed. They may become the first NFL team with a Bye-Bye week.

A Chicago study found four out of five COVID-19 patients showed effects of the disease in their brain. A study of White House COVID-19 patients showed there wasn’t much more damage that COVID-19 could do.

The air leak on the International Space Station is worse than initially believed. But the good news is they can install the new toilet they’re getting next to it.

Director Josh Hawley confirmed his new Star Trek film will have a completely new crew – guaranteeing six nobody actors income for life signing autographs and taking pictures with nerds.

Kanye West shared video of himself urinating on a Grammy award. “Hey, anyone seen my missing Grammy award?” asked Taylor Swift.

Bad news: the CDC Director said coronavirus vaccines won’t be widely available until the middle of next year. Good news: they’ll be for COVID-19, 20 & 21.

Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are rumored to be breaking up. If so, we’ll get terrible country and ska songs out of it.

Investigators found traces of a nerve agent used to poison Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny on a hotel water bottle. Navalny, who is recuperating, said that’s the last time he stays at Red Roof Inn in Siberia.

The U.S. Golf Association’s U.S. Open started today, delayed by three months, now that they could finally get tee times.

WNBA great Maya Moore married Jonathan Irons, a wrongfully convicted man who she helped free from prison. Moore plans to remind Irons of this when they have an argument about housework.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX is launching 60 more Starlink Internet satellites, as part of its longer-term plan to launch broadband Internet service to rural areas that can’t yet access Pornhub.

A survey of frequent fliers named Ireland’s Donegal Airport the world’s most scenic landing spot. The same survey named the world’s worst landing spot “any middle seat on Spirit Airlines”.

Students at University of Wisconsin – Madison who test positive for COVID-19 are sent to a special “COVID dorm”. They’re disapointed at first, but happy at not having to wear masks when they hook up.

Three teens died in Brooklyn after their cars collided in a vacant lot while doing donuts. About a dozen disappointed cops arrived at the scene after hearing ‘donuts’.

A woman in Japan was found to have a black worm living in her tonsils after she ate contaminated sashimi. The woman recovered and the worm was returned to the 60 -degree refrigerated case at 7-Eleven.

Claudia Conway – daughter of Kellyanne & George Conway – said she’s being kicked off of social media as punishment by her parents. Since she’s 15 years old, thin and blond, she’s being grounded in the West Wing.

Reigning WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne said her request to opt out of the upcoming season due to past Lyme disease has been denied. The league said if she wants she can wear ‘Don’t Get Lyme Disease’ on her jersey.

School districts in Los Angeles and San Diego will conduct classes online-only in the fall. Teachers having inappropriate relationships with students will be limited to cybersex.

A Colorado squirrel tested positive for bubonic plague. The squirrel agreed to self-isolate for 14 days at one of your bird feeders.

Tucker Carlson’s head writer, Blake Neff, resigned after admitting to making racist and sexist posts in an online forum. Neff apologized, saying he mistakenly posted the material online when it was intended to go on Carlson’s teleprompter.

For the first time in months, New York City reported zero COVID-19 deaths – but several people died after New Yorkers fired guns into the air to celebrate the good news.

White Castle restaurants introduced Flippy, a robot that can flip burgers and fry food. “Stop calling me Flippy” said the 46-year-old divorced recovering addict working at White Castle.

Scientists studying voles – small rodents living in China – found their feel-good dopamine levels increase when they eat their own poop. They believe it’s because it’s better than whatever their partner made for dinner.

Monster energy drink is reportedly developing a spiked version with alcohol, possibly called Drunk Monster.

Bidet company Tushy is offering a $10,000 summer job for someone to make videos discussing pooping, and conducting interviews with others about pooping. So far the top candidate is a four-year-old boy.

WNBA players reporting to IMG Academy housing in Florida – where they’ll live while playing games – report poor food, bedbugs and rodent traps. IMG said they’ll remove the rodent traps, but now they have to change the menu.

Google Maps is adding traffic light icons to its navigation maps, so drivers can see which ones they blew through while texting.

Mary Trump’s tell-all book about her uncle, Donald Trump, accuses him of paying someone to take his SAT exams for him. The guy who took the test said he’s still waiting to get paid.

Dunkin announced they’re closing 450 locations – or, about 10 blocks worth in New York and Boston.

Brooks Brothers filed for bankruptcy, but executives will still look really sharp in court.

Paris Fashion Week runway shows are taking place online. Kim Kardashian already complained that her seat wasn’t close enough to her computer.

A pedestrian in Shippensburg PA said they were temporarily blinded after someone tossed convenience-store Sheetz Boom Boom Sauce at them. The victim was thankful it only got in their eye, not their stomach.

Mary Kay Latourneau died at age 58 from stage four cancer. She is survived by her ex-husband, who impregnated her when he was in sixth grade, and by the waiting list of boys wanting to enroll in her sixth grade class.