Monday Jokes: July 20th

Police charged three people with murder after finding a dead body wrapped in plastic on the roof of a New York City McDonald’s. Though cops were pretty happy to finally be dealing with a corpse that smelled like french fries.

20-year-old pairs figure skater Ekaterina Alexandrovskaya died. Her funeral is scheduled for six months from now, when the guy finally finishes chiseling her name into a grave stone.

Some companies are embracing the concept of ‘open hiring’ – where employees are hired without resumes or interviews. The companies still have Human Resources departments, because they need to fire people and plan office birthday parties in the break room.

Football stars trended the hashtag #WeWantToPlay while criticizing the NFL’s lack of a comprehensive plan for coronavirus. In response, the league announced the COVID-19 Protocol, where every concussed player gets a free coronavirus exam in the tent.

Model Chrissy Teigen posted pics of scars on her breasts, claiming “nobody believes” that she had breast reduction surgery. She’ll post more racy pics no one asked for because “nobody believes” she’s getting enough attention.

Black staffers at Fox News accused the channel’s executives of creating a ‘white supremacist cell’.  The execs disagreed, saying that it’s really a large cluster of cells.

Donald Trump told Fox News Chris Wallace he ‘aced’ a cognitive skills test, and Wallace countered by saying one of the skills was ‘counting backward from 100 by 7s’. Trump said he’s so smart, he was able to get from 100 to 0 in just three numbers.

Kanye West reportedly wants Jay Z to be his vice presidential running mate. Jay Z said he doesn’t need the hundredth problem.

The Director of Pediatric Medicine at Tufts University says teens need access to condoms to prevent them using alternatives like plastic wrap and plastic bags – because many times they decide to have sex somewhere other than their kitchen.

A U.S. Customs & Border Patrol team has been moved from the U.S./Mexico border to Portland, Oregon to deal with a wave of protests, and to pick up some exttra cash helping Mexican drug lords get product to far-away Portland, Oregon.


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