The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

Britney Spears is reportedly working on new music for the first time in six years. She’s struggling to rhyme ‘conservatorship’.

Alcohol-related deaths increased 25% during the pandemic – and 90% in households where in-laws moved in.

A Los Angeles driver sent a rented Tesla Model S airborne at a steep intersection, crashing into parked cars before fleeing on foot. Police are offering a reward for information leading to the capture of Elon Knelon.

Maury‘ is ending after 30 years. Povich’s wife Connie Chung looks forward to a dinner conversation that isn’t about pregnant single women.

Kanye West’s Grammy performance was cancelled by producers, citing his “concerning online behavior” and “music that threatens the life of his ex-wife’s boyfriend”.

The Cleveland Browns claim they did “extensive research” before acquiring accused sex criminal Deshaun Watson in a trade. As a result of their research, some of the women accusing Watson are now also suing Cleveland Browns personnel execs.

Applebee’s claims they want to be “more like McDonald’s and less like Olive Garden”. Either way, someone is gonna be disappointed on Mother’s Day.

Equifax, Experian & TransUnion credit reporting agencies say they’ll remove medical debt from credit reports. Since then, they’ve been inundated with requests from people with lousy credit scores saying they went to med school at University of Phoenix.

Dating app company Match Group launched Stir, a dating app for single parents. There’s a free version, and a Premium version that costs $89.99 of your child support money.

Justin Bieber’s wife, Hailey, was briefly hospitalized for evaluation of a brain condition – unrelated to extended conversations with Justin Bieber.

Walmart announced they’re hiring 50,000 more workers before May, 50 of whom are expected to still be there in June.

Drug overdose deaths reached a new annual record in 2021, caused by a surge in Fentanyl, and man-boosting Testofen in Nugenix Total T.

President Joe Biden demanded a faster reduction in gas prices. While at the gas station he also demanded three packs of wintergreen Life Savers and a bag of Werther’s Originals.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson is quitting after 13 years. Once a new CEO is confirmed, the Board Of Baristas will announce them by issuing a ceremonial cup with their name misspelled.

For the first time in the show’s history, ‘The Bachelor‘ Clayton Echard ended with every remaining Bachelorette either being dumped or rejecting him. In case you missed it, you can watch the same thing play out in every bar every Friday night.

Several NFL teams remain ‘in the mix’ for Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson. It’s believed the asking price is multiple first round picks to acquire Watson and his 20+ sexual misconduct lawsuits.

The International Court of Justice ordered Russia to cease its invasion of Ukraine. Moments later, Rudy Giuliani filed an appeal on Russia’s behalf.

A UFC fighter subdued a man who opened fire in a Houston sushi restaurant. If you want to see the surveillance footage, it’ll cost you $60 on pay per view this Saturday.

Marylin Miglin, the “Queen Of Makeovers” from Home Shopping Network, died after a stroke. Memorial contributions can be made in four easy payments.

Kanye West ripped Pete Davidson over Davidson’s joke about wanting to have sex with a baby. Davidson was also ripped by two dozen male open-mic comedians for stealing their premise.

A JetBlue pilot with a blood-alcohol level four times the legal limit was removed from the cockpit of a flight departing Buffalo, NY. He was later fired and stripped of his Buffalo wings.

Melinda French Gates, ex-wife of Bill Gates, opened up about her divorce in an interview with CBS, saying “I couldn’t trust what we had” adding “except, you know, for the billions and billions of dollars”..

‘Miss Teen Washington’ winner Kate Wilson, 17, faced calls to step down after an old Tik Tok video emerged showing her using the n-word. No word on her decision, but she may just switch to Miss Teen Alabama.

An Argentinian teenager was electrocuted after leaving the family dinner table to charge his phone. Unlike the teen, his meal got cold.

The January 6th Committee assert Donald Trump and his lawyer collaborated in a criminal conspiracy to overturn the 2020 Presidential Election. The Committee said they’ll be adding this criminal charge to the pile.

Some Russian oligarchs are speaking out cautiously against the war in Ukraine; specifically, the ones with no plans to see President Putin anytime soon.

Kim Kardashian was declared legally single, after a California judge issued a first-of-its-kind divorce decree on Instagram.

Premature menopause is linked to dementia risk. While that is cause for concern, these women can worry less about forgetting to take birth control.

A Wisconsin woman choked her lover to death during sex and then dismembered him, putting his head and genitals in a bucket and his legs in a Crock Pot. She forfeited her entry in her church’s upcoming chili cookoff.

Wheel Of Fortune host Pat Sajak took to Twitter to defend three contestants whose inability to solve a near-complete puzzle ‘ANOTHER FEATHER _N YO_R _A_’ captivated social media. Sajak cited the pressure of the game, and that he tipped his lap to their courage.

Producers of The Oscars telecast controversially announced multiple technical awards will not be presented on air, to allow more time for co-host Amy Schumer to tell jokes that she stole.

A hostage standoff at an Apple Store in Amsterdam ended with the hostage fleeing to safety and the captor dying after being hit by a police car. The store will remain closed for a day, then reopen with the hostage still fourth in line at the Genius Bar.

A teen boy collected a $1,800 reward offered by his mother for staying off social media for six years. Then he downloaded Tinder and saw his mother.

Tom Brady will produce and star in ‘80 For Brady‘ – featuring Jane Fonda, Sally Field, Rita Moreno & Lily Tomlin – about four older women who attend the 2017 Super Bowl. Robert Kraft is also making a movie and cast two unknown 50-year-old Asian women.

A female professional clown said her Tinder profile was removed because she wore clown makeup in her profile photos. Tinder officials disputed her claim, saying it wasn’t the makeup, it was a video of her lifting her arms and her pants falling down. [Story h/t to J.K.]

Russia invaded Ukraine – leading to an increase in the price of oil, consumer products and, for some reason, your Comcast/Xfinity bill.

Los Angeles’ $1.2 billion program to build housing for the homeless is resulting in a $837,000 cost to house a single homeless person. Even more incredible, the homeless person is then flipping the house for $950,000.

Kim Kardashian asked a judge for an acceleration of her divorce, saying estranged husband Kanye West’s social media posts are causing her “emotional distress” that she “can’t make money from”.

In a new documentary, deceased comedian Jerry Lewis is accused of sexual harassment by two past female costars, claiming he pressed his doyyynkkk against their voyvinnnnggg!

A neurosurgeon’s recording of an 87-year-old man’s dying brain activity is reinforcing the belief that “life flashes before your eyes” before death – or, at least, the parts with nudity.

Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

Tinder introduced ‘Blind Dates’ – a new feature where users with common interests engage in a brief text-only chat to gauge compatibility prior to exchanging photos of their penises and breasts.

Truckers protesting COVID restrictions were cleared off of the Ambassar Bridge connecting Ontario and Michigan. The renewed flow of goods is expected to result in shifts restarting for auto workers at assembly plants, and hookers at truck stops.

The United States temporarily halted Mexican avocado imports after a border inspector was threatened by a Mexican drug cartel. The inspector had reportedly refused the cartel’s repeated bribes of Snausages and Pupperoni.

Kanye West posted a series of Instagram messages calling Pete Davidson a “d*ckhead”. His fans replied with suggestions like “thick bread” and “sick bed”, hoping that their rhymes will get used in Ye’s next diss track.

Following its acquisition by the New York Times, some Wordle players claim the game is blocking guesses of slurs and slang. Everyday players say the change hindered their ability to successfully solve BUNTS.

Actress Rosario Dawson broke up with New Jersey U.S. Senator Cory Booker after a three-year relationship. Once Booker’s term expires, she may seek re-erection.

The wife of wide receiver Van Jefferson of the Super Bowl Champion Los Angeles Rams left SoFi Stadium on a stretcher after going into labor during the game. They would have taken her to the blue tent on the sideline, but Mr. Jefferson was already in there getting a vasectomy.

CNN reports Donald Trump used a Secret Service agent’s phone to call wife Melania after the Stormy Daniels affair allegations broke. They also report Melania saw the number and answered “hi lover”.

A man carrying a white flag ran on to the field during the Super Bowl. Security finally tackled him after he ran 80 yards, making him the game’s leading rusher.

A Florida man will stand trial for shooting another man because he was texting in a movie theater. The shooter claims self-defense because the victim threw popcorn at him, which had hardened over 10 years in storage at the theater.

Florida advanced a controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, banning discussion and activity about gender identity and sexual orientation in primary grade schools. This really messes up 6th graders who’d readied their drag queen acts for the big talent show.

A new study claims changing to a healthy diet could extend your life by up to 20 years. The same study finds Discshortened lives for anyone who’s rolled up over 20,000 reward points in the McDonald’s app.

Five Olympic ski jumpers were disqualified for wearing clothing deemed “too baggy” that could unfairly help them stay aloft. Another five were disqualified for eating rice & beans that could illegally aid in mid-air propulsion.

An Indonesian crocodile that had a motorcycle tire stuck around its neck for six years finally had it removed. The croc would have had it done sooner, but he’d paid for free lifetime balancing and rotation.

Tesla is recalling vehicles because their faulty heat pumps won’t properly defrost windshields, leaving Tesla autopilot drivers watching movies unable to look up and see what their car is crashing into.

The first evidence of the Omicron variant of COVID-19 being spread to wild animals has been found – a raccoon complaining to a veterinarian that he can’t taste or smell the garbage he’s eating.

New research links sleeping to weight loss. The study followed drug addicts who nod off for 16 hours a day.

Discovery Networks merger with WarnerMedia was approved – paving the way for ‘Dr Pimple Popper: The Movie’.

Kanye West made a open plea on Instagram for a reunion with Kim Kardashian and their kids, posting family photos captioned ‘GOD PLEASE BRING OUR FAMILY BACK TOGETHER’. God liked the pic but did not post a comment.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck attended the premiere of her new movie ‘Marry Me‘. No word on whether they’ll attend the premiere of his upcoming release ‘Let’s Just Have Sex And See Where This Goes‘.

Starting in 2024, the the SAT Exam will move entirely online, allowing students to use calculators, bring their own laptop, and use Zoom to cheat off other kids answers.

Fox News reporter Peter Doocy said Joe Biden called his cell phone to “clear the air” after calling Doocy a “stupid son of a bitch” during a press conference. Biden ended the call by asking Doocy to say hi to Fox & Friends Steve Doocy, “that dumb sh*t father of yours”.

Tiffany Haddish told Jimmy Fallon that she asked God for a new man, and he sent her four in uniform – referencing cops during her recent DUI arrest. She’s expected to appear in court with her lawyer and better jokes.

Kanye West said he won’t overshare details of his relationships “like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett”. Because if there’s one thing he’s known for, it’s privacy and subtlety.

Kim Kardashian visited a black-owned coffee shop in Los Angeles with Hillary Clinton and Chelsea Clinton for a new Apple+ tv show, ‘Three People Nobody Wants To Be President.’

Neil Young is demanding his music be removed from streaming service Spotify because of podcaster Joe Rogan’s vaccine misinformation. Spotify paid Joe Rogan $100 million for his podcast, then cut a farewell check to Young for 38 cents for the 2021 streams of ‘Rockin’ In The Free World’.

Consumer products company Unilever, owner of Dove and Ben & Jerry’s, cut 1,500 jobs, saying the cows still on the payroll will just have to work harder.

Google intends to replace ‘cookies’ with ‘Topics’, behaviorally-targeted advertising based on assigning sites you visit into 300 topical categories. The categories are ‘Porn’, ‘Sites Used To Hide Porn’, and 298 others.

Actor Peter Dinklage called Disney’s forthcoming live-action Snow White movie “backward”, for continuing to depict Seven Dwarfs living in a cave. Disney offered a compromise, offering Dinklage a role as the new eighth dwarf, ‘Woke’.

Janet Jackson says in a new tv biography that name-calling from brother Michael was playful, but still hurt. She claims Michael called her “pig, cow, horse” and other insults, when he would look for her penis and not find anything.

Scientists have identified cases of ‘flurona’ – the seasonal flu combined with coronavirus. In one rare case a flurona patient was bitten by a deer tick, giving them Flurona with Lyme.

A new study claims ‘celebrity-obsessed’ people are less intelligent. Study findings are disputed by the Beverly Hills MENSA chapter, who start meetings at 8p so they don’t miss TMZ.

Taco Bell is selling a $10 monthly subscription service where you get one taco a day. For $20 they’ll bring the tacos to you at Planet Fitness.

Pope Francis said couples who don’t have children and adopt pets instead are selfish and harming humanity. That, and priests don’t derive as much enjoyment out of molesting dogs & cats.

An Amazon warehouse worker urged customers not to buy beverages for home shipping, because their weight and shape damage the machines. The machines, in this case, meaning warehouse workers.

After admitting to cheating on ex Khloe Kardashian, Tristan Thompson sent 100 roses to True Thompson, his toddler daughter with her – one for every pending paternity test for which he’s awaiting results.

Two Texas researchers developed an inexpensive COVID vaccine that they believe will solve the dilemma of raising vaccine rates in uneducated, impoverished third-world areas like remote areas of Asia, Africa , and…most of Texas.

Viral video shows a fistfight at Disney’s Hollywood Studios park in the line for the Toy Story Mania ride, where a guest was punched to infinity and beyond.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson vacationed in the Bahamas, while Kanye West went to dinner with new girlfriend Julia Fox in Miami, as their four children continue to enjoy plenty of free time wherever the hell they are.

BMW debuted a 31-inch theater screen, window dimming & surround sound for backseat passengers in its luxury vehicles. The feature is activated when any backseat passenger says the activaton phrase “are we there yet?”