Friday Jokes: October 9th

Registered Democrats are returning twice as many ballots as registered Republicans in early voting returns – according to Republican poll workers who say they’re having a hard time keeping up with shredding them.

John Lennon would have turned 80 today, if you believe he could have survived listening to Yoko Ono sing for another 39 years.

The head golf pro at an Upstate New York club died after a tree fell on him. Rescuers moved the tree branch, but were assessed a two-stroke penalty.

Famed plastic surgeon Dr. Terry Dubrow – star of E! Network show ‘Botched’ – claims a former patient is extorting him for $5 million because of her failed buttock lift. Since her ass was damaged, she wants to sue Dubrow’s off.

Microsoft is allowing employees to work from home permanently – provided they’re using Apple computers so they don’t spend the whole day with tech support.

The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to the World Food Programme for their efforts battling global famine – narrowly edging out the guy who put on a McDonald’s & Burger King buffet for the football team.

An Australian surfer is missing in a suspected shark attack. So far the shark’s lawyers have refused investigator’s requests to floss his teeth.

Dollar General is opening new stores targeted at wealthier shoppers: Dollar Twenty-Nine General.

Donald Trump still wants to have campaign rallies, despite his voice giving out calling ‘Hannity’. The rallies would have the sign-language translator at the podium, while Trump flails his arms and tries to talk in the background.

The new ‘Jurassic World’ movie halted production after several velociraptors tested positive for COVID-19.

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