Friday Jokes: January 8th

The FCC certified the next generation of wifi. Soon you may notice a speed boost in the signal you’re stealing from your neighbor.

Denmark’s new animated children’s show ‘John Dillermand’, features a man with a¬†gigantic, uncontrollable penis. It airs along with another new animated show about a paraplegic, ‘Mrs Dillermand’.

A University of Tennessee Chattanooga football coach lost his job after calling Georgia’s Stacey Abrams “Fat Albert” on Twitter. Said the university President: “hey hey’re fired”.

High-end rare-sneaker reseller to the stars, Benjamin Kickz, was arrested and jailed in Miami for felony robbery. He was not placed on suicide watch because the shoelaces are really valuable too.

The Buffalo Bills are reportedly close to finding a naming rights sponsor for their home field, currently called Freezing Cold Dump Of A Stadium.

KFC introduced the KFC Chicken Sandwich, which it calls ‘an upgrade in every way’ over its current Crispy Colonel sandwich. The new sandwich has 20% more chicken, or, 40% of the meat.

The U.S.’ newest national park is New River Gorge National Park & Preserve. Because it’s in West Virginia, it’s the only national park with a licensed concession stand to purchase meth and opioids.

Education Secretary Betsy Devos and Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao both resigned from their Cabinet positions. They’re the first two female Trump appointees to quit on the same day without also filing sexual harassment lawsuits.

Miya Ponsetto, 22, was arrested in California for assaulting a 14-year-old boy at a New York City hotel who she’d falsely claimed stole her phone. She may fight extradition from Los Angeles to New York, until cops lie and tell her its for an audition.

Boeing agreed to pay $2.5 billion in fines after lying to the FAA about the 737 MAX engineering problems. It’s the largest such settlement for airline deceit, at least until Spirit Airlines settles lawsuits regarding their claiming “it’s a great way to fly”.

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