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Police officers in Pennsylvania used Narcan to save the same man who overdosed 3 times in 72 hours. Cops were left with no choice but to arrest the manager of the donut shop for dealing heroin.

South Carolina Republicans failed in their effort to enact a ban on abortion that begins at the moment of fertilization. They’ll regroup and attempt to ban abortion at the moment of ‘U Up?’ text.

Shares of gun maker Smith & Wesson dropped as the company cites a decline in demand. They’re considering lower prices to get the stock to shoot back up again.

The Vietnamese government arrested a famous noodle vendor, Bui Tuan Lam, for “anti-state” activity criticizing the ruling Communist party and uslurping their authority.

Queen Elizabeth died at her summer home in Balmoral Castle. Her alleged pedophile son Prince Andrew is in mourning at his summer home, Bal-Immoral Castle.

King Charles II arrived at Buckingham Palace after visiting Balmoral Castle to make sure his mother was really dead.

Charles’ & the late Princess Diana’s son, Prince William, is now next in line for the throne, despite his visibly receding heir line.

After losing the first set of her US Open semifinal, top seed Iga Swiatek credited feeling “lighter” following a bathroom break for her three-set win, rallying back from deuce.

Two animal rights activists ran onto the field with pink smoke flares during Thursday’s NFL Kickoff game between the Buffalo Bills & Los Angeles Rams. They protested animal cruelty in the form of broken limbs and concussions suffered by Bears, Bengals, Dolphins, etc…

Kris Jenner passed a lie detector test on The Late Late Show With James Corden when denying she helped daughter Kim Kardashian release her infamous sex tape. She also passed when asked if she convinced son Rob Kardashian no one wanted to see him have sex.

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A California woman found $36,000 in the cushion of a sofa she got for free on Craigslist. She returned the money, and the condoms she found in a different cushion.

The company owning the rights to Elvis Presley’s likeness ordered Las Vegas wedding chapels to stop performing Elvis-themed weddings. Couples married by Elvis impersonators have the option of going to Graceland for an officially-licensed Elvis divorce.

Queen Elizabeth commemorated 70 years on the throne – proving the damaging impact of British cooking.

Chevrolet announced it’s lowering the price of its Bolt electric vehicle to $27,000. Bolt sedans were recently recalled because of flammable batteries; Chevy says the price cut is permanent and not a fire sale.

The United Kingdom is planning to send U.S.-made medium-range rocket systems to Ukraine to help battle the Russian invasion. They’re also planning to send UK-made scones to Russian soldiers to make them too sick to fight.

Amber Heard’s attorney says she can’t pay the $10 million judgment won by ex-husband Johnny Depp in their defamation trial. She’ll appeal, but if she loses that, keep an eye out for an Aquaman-themed Only Fans account.

A woman born with a misshapen right ear received a new, transplanted ear which was 3-D printed using her own cells. She then had it pierced at a shopping mall and ruined it.

Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen admitted in an interview that he vomits before every game – as do about 12-to-15,000 fans attending Bills home games.

Archaeologists unearthing the ruins of an ancient Roman fort found a stone with a drawing of a penis etched into it, along with what’s believed to be the first-ever carved graffiti of the phrase ‘for a good time, call..’

Police arrested a Utah man after he brandished a firearm at McDonald’s drive-thru employees, followed by his 4-year-old son firing a shot at responding officers. The man was jailed, and the toddler got a Happy Meal with fries instead of apple slices.

A bison gored a woman at Yellowstone National Park, tossing her 10 feet in the air. The bison’s friend now has to toss a different tourist higher than that to win the bet.

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The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

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Russia opened a criminal investigation of Facebook for allowing posts calling for the death of Russian invaders in Ukraine. So far, though, the ‘Criminal Trial Of Mark Zuckerberg’ Facebook event has only Vladimir Putin ‘Going’.

Christina Haack & Tarek El Moussa announced the end of their hit HGTV show Flip Or Flop. Each said they’ll continue to flip spouses and flop into bed with other reality stars.

Empire actor Jussie Smollett – found guilty of falsely staging a hate crime – was sentenced to 150 days in jail, where’s he’s expected to get a good look at real ones.

A Billy Joel film biography is in development, despite having no rights to the music or likeness of Billy Joel. The working title is ‘Bug-eyed Guy Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Christie Brinkley‘

The Buffalo Bills named architecture firm Populous to design their new stadium. Populous is known for their stadium work, and for inventing warming packs to stick in your shoes, gloves & underwear.

Russia & Belarus can no longer play Pokemon Go. Russian diplomats denied starting Pokemon battles, anyway.

Two Internet ‘backbone’ providers have cut Russia off from the global internet, in a move designed to make service in Moscow & other major cities “almost as bad as Spectrum & Xfinity”.

Major League Baseball owners & players tentatively agreed to a new labor deal, and a full 162-game schedule with expanded playoffs will start April 7th, or as soon as the Houston Astros can finalize their cheat codes.

The U.S. banned the import of Russian vodka, diamonds & caviar. Cemetery workers in Forest Lawn, California reported tremors from Elizabeth Taylor spinning in her grave.

Tinder introduced background checks, to complement users’ standard backside checks.

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The Bidens adopted a two-year-old cat, Willow. It’s the first pussy in the White House in five years that hasn’t had to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

A bridge in a Pittsburgh park collapsed just prior to a visit from President Biden to discuss repairs to infrastructure. Joe Manchin & Kirsten Sinema aren’t sure the bridge needs fixing.

Two Philadelphia 76ers fans were ejected frrom the team’s game against the Los Angeles Lakers for repeatedly yelling the taunt “boy” at Lakers Carmelo Anthony. They’ll be entered into a diversion program and taught to throw batteries.

A couple was arrested and charged with using fake vaccine cards to attend the Buffalo Bills home playoff game against the New England Patriots. It’s the first time that someone faked credentials in order to contract frostbite.

Minnie Mouse is trading in her dress for a Stella McCartney pantsuit. “I’ve been asking for pants for almost a hundred f**kin’ years!” said a furious Donald Duck.

A study suggests four factors influence the likelihood someone will have long-term effects of COVID-19, including viral load, diabetes, existing antibodies, and failure to follow through on doing their own research.

Apple announced it has over 1.8 billion active devices, and about 11 billion in drawers with broken screens.

Octomom’s eight children turned 13, and each received a fire extinguisher to put out 104 birthday candles.

Investment website Robinhood reported disastrous earnings and an erosion of its user base. It plans to correct the course by robbing rich customers and giving the money to itself.

Pennsylvania’s state-owned liquor authority opened a free lottery where winners can buy rare Pappy van Winkle whiskeys for prices of $299-$399 per bottle. They’ll also continue to sell regular $10/bottle whiskey that makes regular people feel like they just won a lottery.

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Following allegations of sex at Jeffrey Epstein’s home with a 17-year-old girl, Britain’s Prince Andrew has been stripped of his military titles. Andrew will no longer be officially addressed as Captain Horndog.

The Biden Administration will make face masks free for all Americans, delighting poor families whose kids will trick-or-treat as ‘Surgeon’ next Halloween.

An ‘exquisite’ 2,000-year-old Roman figure was found during a railway excavation in the United Kingdom – next to a ‘nefarious’ 2,000 year old figure of a mustached guy in a black top hat & cape who tied her there.

Female Walmart truck drivers filed a class action lawsuit over the company requiring them to wear mens pants on the job. The suit asks that they be allowed to dress more like Walmart customers, and wear no pants.

Rapper Meek Mill, actor Kevin Hart and Philadelphia 76ers co-owner Michael Rubin donated $15 million to defray costs at Philadelphia parochial & private schools, in case you were wondering where Father Michael got that new Lexus.

Retired player & NFL analyst Bart Scott recommended Buffalo Bills QB Josh Allen take Viagra to improve blood flow during Saturday’s playoff game, where temps will be in the single-digits. The idea was rejected by Mitch Morse, the Bills center who’s bent over snapping the ball to Allen.

The new BD Veritor COVID test allows you to digitally share your results with contacts. They’re also working on an STD test, where you’ll probably want to disable the contact-sharing until you see the results first.

Researchers discovered over 60 million “breeding nests” of Antarctic icefish on the floor of the frigid Weddell Sea. They were located after sonar detected Barry White songs coming from the icefish late-night breeding playlist.

Cannabis use can prevent COVID-19 infection, according to a new study which followed hundreds of stoners who weren’t leaving their house anyway.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ contestant Clint Arlis died at age 34. Bachelorettes placed roses on his grave, but added that doesn’t mean they want to make out with him again.

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A change in your walking gait could be an early sign of dementia. Especially if it’s a change caused by not knowing where in the hell you walked to.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stefon Diggs was stranded in the city after his Ferrari got stuck in the snow. It was towed to safety, immediately after two Bills fans jumped off the top of it and through a folding table stored in the tow truck.

Novak Djokovic remains in a “deportation hotel” in Australia pending a determination whether he can play in the Australian Open. Djokovic refused vaccination, but Australia reversed its decision to allow him entry, so it’s technically a double-fault.

A new language has been created in the Pacific Northwest, called Protactile, used by deaf/blind people to communicate through touch. The first phrase ever developed was “I want to talk to you. Did you wash your hands?”.

Nicolas Cage and wife Riko Shabata are expecting a baby, which he’s expected to also surrender to the IRS for back payment of debt.

The makers of Nintendo racing game Mario Kart said the next installment – Mario Kart 9 – could come as early as this year with “a new twist”. They wouldn’t elaborate further except to say that you can drive a hearse for the first time.

The NFL is exploring contingency plans to move the Super Bowl from California to Texas if Los Angeles imposes further COVID restrictions. Halftime performers Snoop and Dr Dre say they could rap with masks on, with no change in white viewers understanding them.

U.S. airlines cancelled over 1,000 flights for the 12th straight day. Spirit Airlines is putting some cancelled short-flight passengers on Greyhound buses and betting they won’t really know the difference.

Aaron Babbitt – husband of deceased January 6th rioter Ashli Babbitt – said she wouldn’t have died if he was there with her because he would have “picked up on red flags”. Like, for instance, the “stop or I’ll shoot” red flag.

A November letter from imprisoned Subway spokesman Jared Fogle was leaked to the media. Fogle wrote that he works out regularly, and is in the best shape of his life. He signed off by wishing the recipient good luck in her 7th grade Christmas pageant.

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Longtime Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth announced his retirement from music – joining his vocal cords, which retired 25 years ago.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver and vocal anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley cut his signature long blonde hair, saying he was donating it to teenagers who go bald from the COVID vaccine.

John Mellencamp said in an interview that Bruce Springsteen is “like a big brother.” “John who?” asked Springsteen.

Hospital statistics in the New England area reveal 3,268 babies named ‘Brady’ during the Tom Brady era with the Patriots…and one very unhappy baby named ‘Belichick’.

Authorities are trying to explain their difficulty in locating Brian Laundrie. They say one of the biggest reasons is that alligators don’t vomit too often.

The charred remains of a 3-bedroom, 1 1/2 bath home destroyed by fire in Melrose, Massachusetts sold for $399,000. According to the Zillow listing, the house has “good bones” – of the people who lived there.

Play was suspended in the National Women’s Soccer League as the Commissioner resigned, and two head coaches were fired amidst accusations of sexual harassment. Players called it a necessary kick in the balls.

Dog The Bounty Hunter said his ‘tip line’ for leads in the search for Brian Laundrie has gotten “thousands” of calls, but that his cassette-tape answering machine filled up after the first five.

Peloton introduced its new treadmill, after recalling the old one for injuries to children caught under it. Peloton saidchildren are safe around the new treadmill, but can’t promise anything for kittens and small dogs.

Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen appeared on ‘60 Minutes‘, saying the social media giant prioritized profit over user safety and information integrity – claims that Facebook executives dismissed as “about right”.

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Pfizer says its COVID vaccine is safe and effective for children as young as 5. Kindergarten teachers report an increasing number of students playing ‘house’ having domestic disputes over who’s getting it.

A gunman at a Russian university killed 8 people. He was offered a scholarship by several universities in the Southern U.S.

Actor Seth Rogen criticized the Emmy Awards for allowing attendees to sit inside without wearing masks. Rogen then went outside and treated his healthy lungs to some weed.

Amazon is releasing its new Kindle Paperwhite e-readers, following a successful field trial with women and men using them while walking 0.5mph on the treadmill you’re waiting to use at the gym.

SpaceX founder Elon Musk mocked President Joe Biden for failing to congratulate the first all-civilian SpaceX crew who orbited Earth and returned Saturday. The mission raised $200 million for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and even more for Musk.

Zoos are immunizing large mammals for COVID-19, deciding it’s the best route to take after multiple zookeepers lost limbs trying to put masks on tigers and gorillas.

Pregnant Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott took daughter Stormi to the Houston Zoo. As a rhino walked away, Stormi pointed and said “Aunt Kim!”

Former UFC fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller was arrested and taken to a Los Angeles jail, where he was booked as Jason “Domestic Violence & Resisting Arrest” Miller.

Amazon is casting a tv commercial featuring Buffalo Bills fans, where they’ll pay a fan $1,100 to dive on, and break, a folding table. Casting agents expect to take about three years to sift through 70,000 audition videos.

A mother at a Texas school board meeting objected to a middle school library book for its depiction of anal sex. The district removed two copies of the book, but is waiting for ten more copies that kids checked out immediately following the mother’s speech.

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San Francisco is paying $300 to parolees and other residents deemed “high risk” if they don’t shoot someone or get shot. One condition is that they don’t use the money for down payment on a handgun.

The new Apple Watch is reportedly running into production problems, which they’re calling “Back To School” for factory workers.

Texas’ new restrictive abortion law means women seeking an abortion will have to travel an average of 496 miles to get one in a different state. Southwest Airlines is offering limited-time $79 one-way ‘Don’t Ruin Your Life’ Fares.

A small group of women in Kabul protested for equal rights in Afghanistan. Then the Taliban showed up, and it was a smaller group of women.

91-year-old Former Roman Catholic Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, stripped of his title by Pope Francis, will go on trial for sexually assaulting a teen boy 50 years ago. McCarrick looks forward to his day in court, but expressed he’s not really into that guy anymore.

ABBA is releasing new music and will stage a concert where the members are represented on-stage as avatars. The avatars will be the Flintstones & Rubbles, and the concert will be called ABBA Dabba Doo.

Amazon is hoping to solve a delivery driver shortage by reminding applicants that they don’t screen for marijuana use. “Great, let us know about opioids and alcohol!” say other prospective hires.

Ownership of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills have released initial details of a proposed new 60,000 seat stadium. Critics expressed disappointment that the stadium will not have a roof, and is located in Buffalo.

Cannabis smoking lounges are growing in popularity in Illinois, owing to the state’s legalization of recreational use, and as some of the few locations where fans can purchase Phish and Blue Oyster Cult tickets.

Michael Davies, executive producer of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?‘, will take over fired Jeopardy! e.p. Mike Richards job. As for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, it’s “everyone who successfully sued Mike Richards for sexual harassment”.