Monday Jokes: April 5th

Egypt paraded 22 mummies through the streets of Cairo as they moved between museums. The parade took 12 hours since the mummies were really dragging their feet.

A double-mutant COVID-19 strain emerged in California. It’s believed to have originated when Wolverine made out with Storm on the set of Maskless X-Men.

Republicans are railing against the idea of COVID-19 ‘vaccine passports’ – mainly because they’re older and not crazy about their passport photos.

Dubai police made multiple arrests after nude women were photographed on the balcony of an apartment building, in violation of public decency laws. They face fines and prison terms, while the property manager faces a tenfold increase in guys wanting to rent apartments there.

A Tulsa, Oklahoma man was arrested for stalking a female coworker by leaving candy & food on her doorstep, then shooting her husband when they emerged from their home. He remains in jail, while the raccoons that ate the candy and food try to bail him out.

A magnitude 4.0 earthquake struck the Los Angeles area at around 4a.m. Monday, hoping to get the jump on traffic.

Cher apologized for a Tweet speculating if she were present at the murder of George Floyd, she could have helped. It started “if i could turn back tiiiiime..”

New Mexico has already administered COVID-19 vaccines to over 50% of residents. Local health officials credit both the efficiency of their plan, and New Mexico not offering much other interesting shit to do.

Katy Perry said she’s quit shaving her legs since becoming a Mom, describing herself as “fine, fresh, fierce ..and furry”.

Lizzo shared multiple photos on Instagram wearing a form-fitting purple dress with a lower-back cutout that exposed her butt crack. She had it made so she had somewhere to put her microphone while she’s clapping on stage.

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