Monday Jokes: May 17th

North Korea’s soccer team withdrew from World Cup 2022 qualifying. Head Coach & Benevolent Leader Kim Jong Un blamed their poor play on a lack of execution, then executed them.

A 14-year-old boy near Calgary, Alberta accidentally rode his bike into a rattlesnake den. He waved to the dozen-or-so Catholic priests and pedaled safely away.

A new study finds rodents and pigs can breathe out their rectums. “I know breathing, and that’s not breathing” say their disgusted wives and girlfriends.

The Ukrainian government seized 1,500 bottles of vodka made with apples from Chernobyl, and scientists want it back. They were testing its safety for human consumption in a signature cocktail, the CosmoPlutonian.

A man ambushed his ex-wife at their son’s sporting event, chasing her onto the field while holding two knives. Play was halted as the kids asked their coach why he was chasing the lady around with knives.

Mountain Dew is releasing a Cake Smash flavor that tastes like dessert. You drink it after a meal of original Mountain Dew to contract Type II diabetes twice as fast.

Bill Gates reportedly had an affair with a Microsoft employee. They kept it secret for so long because they were the only two people using Windows Live Messenger for Zune.

A Key Largo, Florida man crashed his boat at a high rate of speed and died with “mangroves lodged in his head”. The coroner’s report stated “he had it all, just like Bogey & Bacall, only with a mangrove lodged in his head, in Key Largo.”

New York City Police are banned from gay Pride marches in the city until 2025. Gay NYC cops are angry, but plan to hold their own Shooting Unarmed Criminals Pride parade.

While Scarlett Johansson accepted the MTV Movie Awards ‘Generation Award’ for her 30-year movie career, husband Colin Jost poured slime on her. He’s the third husband to slime Scarlett Johnasson.

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