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Ukraine’s Army is being criticized for forcing female cadets to march in high heels. Worse, none of them were given a matching belt & handbag.

General Motors will no longer install CD players in new cars. They’ll switch to in-dash clock/radios that hold your iPod.

Buffalo Bills backup quarterbacks Mitch Trubisky and Jake Fromm each got married over the weekend, following lengthy negotiations with their wives over moving to Buffalo.

As part of the “largest menu overhaul” in its history, Subway sandwich shops are slicing ham and turkey more thinly. They’ll also give customers special magnifying glasses so they can actually see the meat on their sandwich.

Donald Trump plans to sue Facebook & Twitter for banning him from their platforms. He’s currently choosing a tough, smart lawyer from the advertisements on Newsmax.

Miki Sudo, reigning Women’s Champion of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from 2014-2020, skipped the 2021 event because she’s pregnant. Doctors are concerned that her amniotic fluid is already 70% hot dog water.

The trainer of Marcel the Monkey from ‘Friends’ criticized David Schwimmer for his critical remarks about the monkey during the cast reunion, claiming Schwimmer was jealous of the monkey getting laughs. He also criticized Matthew Perry for falsely accusing the monkey of stealing his Vicodin.

Scarlett Johansson is rumored to be expecting a baby with husband Colin Jost. No word on whether the ‘Black Widow’ star will have the baby delivered by Doctor Strange, or induced with a Hulk smash.

Former Victoria’s Secret model Bridget Malcolm said she was told by a much older man to use cocaine and have “lots of sex” to lose weight before she had even turned 18. She refused the sex, but said thanks for the cocaine.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ Claire Crowley is having her breast implants removed, saying her current boyfriend told her that “your boobs are not what make you beautiful”. His opinion is not shared by dozens of former Bachelors.

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North Korea’s soccer team withdrew from World Cup 2022 qualifying. Head Coach & Benevolent Leader Kim Jong Un blamed their poor play on a lack of execution, then executed them.

A 14-year-old boy near Calgary, Alberta accidentally rode his bike into a rattlesnake den. He waved to the dozen-or-so Catholic priests and pedaled safely away.

A new study finds rodents and pigs can breathe out their rectums. “I know breathing, and that’s not breathing” say their disgusted wives and girlfriends.

The Ukrainian government seized 1,500 bottles of vodka made with apples from Chernobyl, and scientists want it back. They were testing its safety for human consumption in a signature cocktail, the CosmoPlutonian.

A man ambushed his ex-wife at their son’s sporting event, chasing her onto the field while holding two knives. Play was halted as the kids asked their coach why he was chasing the lady around with knives.

Mountain Dew is releasing a Cake Smash flavor that tastes like dessert. You drink it after a meal of original Mountain Dew to contract Type II diabetes twice as fast.

Bill Gates reportedly had an affair with a Microsoft employee. They kept it secret for so long because they were the only two people using Windows Live Messenger for Zune.

A Key Largo, Florida man crashed his boat at a high rate of speed and died with “mangroves lodged in his head”. The coroner’s report stated “he had it all, just like Bogey & Bacall, only with a mangrove lodged in his head, in Key Largo.”

New York City Police are banned from gay Pride marches in the city until 2025. Gay NYC cops are angry, but plan to hold their own Shooting Unarmed Criminals Pride parade.

While Scarlett Johansson accepted the MTV Movie Awards ‘Generation Award’ for her 30-year movie career, husband Colin Jost poured slime on her. He’s the third husband to slime Scarlett Johnasson.

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A 105-year-old Illinois woman successfully renewed her driver’s license. When she entered the DMV, she was 103.

New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman was arrested and charged with vandalism after allegedly damaging a vehicle by jumping on its hood. Local police overruled NFL referees on the scene who had sought to penalize the parked car.

Samsung introduced a new midpriced phone, the $499 Samsung Galaxy XCover Pro. The phone’s key feature is a removable battery, which Samsung says is easily swappable after the first one catches fire.

A man survived 20 days in the Alaskan wilderness after a fire burned down his remote cabin in mid-December. Amazon has called off the search for the missing drone delivering his Christmas presents.

The Supreme Court refused to hear a challenge to a New Hampshire law making it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public; but took the unusual step of issuing an opinion that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg keep her top on anyway.

‘Joker’ led Oscar nominations with 11, infuriating both cinema purists and Commissioner Gordon.

Scarlett Johansson received Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress Oscar nominations. She would act delighted about the rare double-nomination if only it were in her emotional range.

Conservative group ‘One Million Moms’ publicly condemned a Burger King Impossible Whopper ad for profanity, because someone trying the burger says “damn that’s good.” Meanwhile, behind closed doors, children of the Million Moms ask “where’s my f***in juice box?”

A Baltimore Ravens fan collapsed and died climbing stairs during Saturday’s NFL game at M&T Bank Stadium, as his team collapsed and died on the field.

ESPN is reportedly set to offer Tony Romo between $10 million and $14 million annually, making him the highest-paid broadcaster in history. They’re also setting aside $50 million to convince Booger McFarland to quit.

 

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A former NASA scientist claims that in 1976, the Viking landers found evidence of life on Mars. He added it wasn’t exactly a fun life.

The XFL draft takes place today at 10 a.m. via conference call. “Could whoever has a barking dog please mute?” said the League Commissioner.

Travis Scott took a nasty onstage fall at the Rolling Loud Music Festival in Queens on Saturday, telling the crowd he thought he broke his knee. After the show, he brought several female fans backstage to crouch down and examine it.

Megyn Kelly, who was fired from the NBC Today Show after discussing kids of her era wearing blackface on Halloween, will be a guest on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show to promote her new line of Halloween costumes.

Elton John’s new memoir mentions Michael Jackson’s later years, saying he was “..in a world of his own, surrounded by people who only told him what he wanted to hear.” Elton then talks about all the compliments he gets about his real-looking hair.

Scarlett Johansson says that a movie featuring all-female Marvel Superheroes would be “explosive and unstoppable”.  It would feature male Marvel heroes asking what’s wrong with the way they’re fighting evil, and the females saying “nothing…it’s great”.

Dusty Baker is rumored to be a candidate for the Philadelphia Phillies manager job, after stadium workers were seen installing one of those motorized seats to climb the dugout steps.

Italy’s mountain village of Sardinia is posting signs telling tourists not to rely on Google Maps driving directions, because their cars will get stuck on rugged roads. They also say not to use Google Maps walking directions, after several tourists walked off cliffs.

Jennifer Aniston’s new Instagram account crashed shortly after her first post – a photo with all six of the ‘Friends’. Aniston said the photo wasn’t really complete, because the duck and the monkey were both dead. 

Whitney Houston is among the 2020 nominees for induction to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – opening the door just a crack for the 2036 campaign of Color Me Badd.

 

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Monday was National Guacamole Day, making Tuesday National Throw Out Your Brown Guacamole Day.

Scientists at MIT unveiled the blackest black ever created, absorbing 99.9% of light. They’re calling it “Flavor Flav”.

  • While the blackest black ever created is impressive, MIT researchers found most people think the shade that only absorbs 90% of light is prettier.

Rumors circulated that Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man may make one more onscreen appearance in Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie — a scene where Tony Stark gives multiple compelling reasons to Natasha Romanov why she shouldn’t portray Iron Man.

Golfer John Daly’s son, 16-year-old Little John, won the International Junior Golf Tour’s Florida Junior event by nine strokes. The elder Daly said he thinks his kid will get even better as his alcohol tolerance improves.

Felicity Huffman was sentenced to 14 days in prison for her part in the Operation Varsity Blues college cheating scandal. The prison is reportedly pretty cushy; Huffman plans to report several hours early for hair & makeup.

Christie Brinkley dropped out of Dancing With The Stars with an arm injury. “Boy, I didn’t think there was a more physically demanding job than modeling!” she said.

Lou Ferrigno – TV’s Hulk – is selling his Los Angeles home for $3.9 million. Ferrigno said the house has “the best home gym in the country”. The equipment is pretty average, but it’s filled with hot young women he paid to be there.

Men’s Health magazine published an article “What Happens To Your Body When You Stop Working Out for 90 Days”. It’s about how Jonah Hill preps for movie roles.

To promote growth of bee populations, McDonald’s in Sweden is converting roadside advertising billboards into hotels for bees. This follows their successful decades-long campaign turning human arteries into hotels for saturated fats.

Couples and therapists are advocating the 5-5-5 Method to resolve conflicts, where one partner talks for 5 minutes, the other talks for 5, then they converse together for 5 more. This is different than the less successful 5 Method, where one partner takes 5 seconds to confess to an affair.

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A vegan in Australia sued her neighbor for grilling meat in their backyard. The neighbor countersued the vegan for grilling asparagus in hers.

Climate scientists say global warming has lowered the survival chances of the Great Barrier Reef to “very poor”. The outlook is even worse for the Average Barrier Reef.

Google was fined $170 million for collecting and selling YouTube data on children under 13. Parents grew concerned when their small children viewed ads targeted to kids who pick their nose and “feel funny down there”.

Purdue Pharma, makers of OxyContin, is reportedly preparing for bankruptcy. It’s so bad, they’re reaching out to addicts whose lives they’ve ruined for tips on how to be broke.

The American Vaping Association criticized Michigan’s ban of fruit flavored vape pods, saying it’ll only drive teens to smoke tobacco cigarettes. “We hope so”, said the maker of new Fruit Loops Cigarettes.

Presidential candidate and activist Marianne Williamson suggested that people use “the power of the mind” to divert the path of Hurricane Dorian. Which made nuking it seem pretty sensible by comparison.

Brad Pitt quit drinking – making it an even bigger longshot for less-than-gorgeous women to get their shot at Brad Pitt.

Scarlett Johansson said she believes Woody Allen never molested children, adding that, if she’s wrong, she’s 34 and rich so…whatever.

A 78-year-old Australian woman collecting hen’s eggs was pecked to death by her rooster. “If I can’t have you, NOBODY WILL!” shouted the rooster as he was led away by cops in ridiculously tiny leg irons.

Robert Pattinson told Variety that his last four film roles featured him masturbating. Pattinson, who’s been cast as the new Batman, said an early scene has him giving Alfred the night off.

 

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Author’s Note: Happy Anniversary to my gorgeous & wonderful wife, Erin. I love you lots….

In a BBC interview, the Dalai Lama said President Trump lacks moral principle. Dalai Lama appeared confused when, for the first time, someone said to him “duhh”.

Apple’s chief design officer, Jony Ive, is leaving the company. Ive is credited with designing Apple’s most profitable innovation, the broken iPhone.

Google Maps rerouted drivers to Denver International Airport around an accident, but sent them down a muddy dirt road where dozens of them got stuck. Several said it was the second-worst thing that happened to them that day, next to flying Frontier Airlines.

Deepnude.com, an app that manipulated photos of women to make them appear naked, was killed off by its creator – but not before the site crashed when someone tried it out with a picture of Betty White.

Cookie Monster appeared at Wrigley Field and led the crowd in the traditional 7th-inning stretch singalong of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’. Meanwhile, EMTs were called to the bleachers to treat his friend, Oscar the Grouch, who was trashed.

On a new episode of “Whistleblowers” a pharmaceutical sales rep for Cephalon describes how he was told to sell Actiq – a lollipop made with powerful opioid Fentanyl. The last straw was when they Cephalon make the lollipops look like Spongebob Squarepants.

Amazon is partnering with Rite-Aid — customers can now pick up their Amazon orders in Rite-Aid stores at the same time they shoplift candy & medicine.

New Jersey officials claim a toxic algae bloom is giving swimmers in Lake Hopatcong harmful rashes – citing skin examinations of multiple mobsters dredged off of the lake bottom.

According to required SEC filings, Google workers’ median 2018 pay was $246,804, compared to Amazon workers’ median pay of just $28,836.  “This is bullsh*t” said Alexa.

Still photos from the set of Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie starring Scarlett Johansson show the title character facing her most challenging nemesis yet – someone who can really act.

 

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A Delaware school district is banning fast food deliveries to high schools from services like GrubHub. They say the deliveries are disruptive, and that too many of the students ordering the food recognize recent honors graduates delivering it.

An avid skydiver died in suburban Philadelphia when his main parachute malfunctioned, and his emergency chute deployed too late. A makeshift memorial popped up where he landed, with mourners placing flowers and stuffed animals in the crater.

President Trump reportedly demanded the resignation of the longtime Director of the Secret Service. The Director insisted that Secret Service is a security detail, not secret service of McDonald’s late-night menu.

Upgrades to Boeing’s 737 MAX jets are taking longer than expected. New software is expected to be deployed to all aircraft, but needs to be tweaked to stop asking pilots midflight “Are you ready to upgrade now?”

‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack plead guilty to extortion and forced labor related to the Nxivm sex trafficking case. Mack faces up to 40 years in jail at sentencing, and agreed to be barred from prison visits by Lex Luthor.

Physicists discovered a new phase of matter that can be both solid and liquid at the same time. The discovery was made when one of the physicists became ill eating the macaroni and cheese at Old Country Buffet.

Scarlett Johansson was taken to a Los Angeles police station after being overpowered by paparazzi outside of the ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ studios. The incident fueled existing fanboy theories that Black Widow is like, totally, the weakest of the Avengers.

A Philadelphia Phillies fan is now chugging a beer out of his boot every time Phillie Rhys Hoskins hits a home run. Hoskins hit two home runs Monday night, so the habit is expensive, and more difficult now that the Bud Light has eaten through the boot leather.

Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel announced that he wants to go by John. Manziel hopes to move away from the Johnny Football moniker to his new identity, John Barista.

New York City declared a health emergency over a measles outbreak in an Orthodox Jewish section of Brooklyn. 285 cases of measles have been documented, with many families unvaccinated because “what am I? on vacation here? I’m busy!”

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Researchers at Carnegie-Mellon developed a wearable wristband that can detect when the user is experiencing an opiate overdose. The problem is that addicts keep selling their wristbands to get money for heroin.

Iggy Azalea is being criticized for finishing her song during a concert while one of her backup dancers had a seizure. “Well, seizures won’t work, you guys got any other ideas to get her to stop?” said the other dancers.

Scarlett Johansson told the Washington Post that trying to stop the use of her image in “deepfake porn” – digital placement of her face on women in sexually explicit videos – is a “lost cause”.  Producers of deepfake porn videos say they’ve tried working with Johansson, but she won’t budge on her $10 million/movie fee.

Producers of the first annual Television Sexpun Awards released their nominees, with Netflix earning two Best Picture nods for Bird Box and Bandersnatch.

An opposition leader in the Democratic Republic of Congo has complained of voting irregularities following Sunday’s Presidential Elections. Martin Fayulu claims that voting machines are rigged, and that his opponent used an extensive misinformation campaign targeted toward the four voters in the Congo with internet service.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren announced she’ll seek the Democratic nomination for President in 2020, as verified by both those on her email list, and those close enough to see the smoke signals sent from her yard.

The NFL’s Arizona Cardinals, Cincinnati Bengals, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Denver Broncos, Miami Dolphins & New York Jets all fired their head coaches after Sunday’s games, ruining plans for the teams’ human resources workers who didn’t want to work the weekend.

Fox News Channel rings in 2019 with its ‘All American New Year’ show, featuring an exclusive interview with President Trump. Trump is expected to share his New Year’s resolutions: improved fitness, diet, truth-telling and quality time with family.

Police in Minnesota who pulled over a Jimmy John’s delivery driver arrested him after finding pot inside of a wrapped sandwich. A replacement sandwich was sent, but the customer rejected it, claiming the pot was the only thing that could make him hungry enough to eat a Jimmy John’s sandwich.

Author Jordan Shapiro’s new book: ‘The New Childhood – Raising Kids to Thrive In A Connected World’, presents the viewpoint that video games, social media and smartphones are good for children. The publisher, Little/Brown, points out that Shapiro is eight years old.

 

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Serena Williams said in an interview that her male tennis coach advised her to stop breastfeeding her daughter. The coach said that the baby was getting in the way of her serving motion.

The Centers for Disease Control claims to have solved the latest food-borne illness outbreak at Chipotle. Their review of victims’ stool samples pointed to clostridium perfringens, a bacteria that flourishes when food is left at an unsafe temperature. The CDC took a while to share results, since the stool samples and the burrito samples kept getting mixed up.

Elon Musk became emotional and teary-eyed during a lengthy interview with the New York Times, saying the past year has been “the most difficult and painful of my career” and “excruciating”. At several points during the interview, Musk had to stop so that a naked supermodel could wipe away his tears with hundred-dollar bills.

President Donald Trump canceled a military parade planned for Washington, D.C. this fall. He blamed local politicians for the rumored $92 million cost that resulted in cancellation, along with the fact that Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis turned down the Grand Marshal gig, citing scheduling conflicts.

Former ‘Home Improvement’ star Zachery Ty Bryan appeared on Fox & Friends, saying he think Hollywood elitists need to spend less time criticizing Trump supporters and more time trying to understand them. “Shut the f*** up” said his neighbor whose face was obscured by a tall fence.

Stormy Daniels withdrew from participation in U.K.’s Celebrity Big Brother. Producers said they were surprised by her decision, but her lawyer, Michael Avenatti, said that in every production Stormy has been a part of , someone has pulled out.

Mark Wahlberg told PEOPLE magazine that raising a 14 year old daughter is “a challenge”, adding that “(there’s) a lot of attitude, a lot of ‘you ruin everything!’..” — and that was just because his daughter had watched ‘The Happening’.

Forbes Magazine named Scarlett Johansson the highest-paid actress on the planet, earning $40.5 million from June, 2017 to June, 2018. “Huh.” said Johansson, displaying her trademark emotional range.

Natural Cycles, a mobile fertility app, is the first-ever digital contraceptive to win FDA marketing approval. It uses an algorithm to determine whether a woman is fertile, and should avoid unprotected sex. If she is fertile and is having difficulty refraining from unprotected sex, the app shows pictures of diaper pails and babies vomiting.

The FDA also approved a generic EpiPen. The generic EpiPen is expected to compete with the original, and also for use by people for whom 5 Hour Energy really isn’t working.