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A JetBlue pilot with a blood-alcohol level four times the legal limit was removed from the cockpit of a flight departing Buffalo, NY. He was later fired and stripped of his Buffalo wings.

Melinda French Gates, ex-wife of Bill Gates, opened up about her divorce in an interview with CBS, saying “I couldn’t trust what we had” adding “except, you know, for the billions and billions of dollars”..

‘Miss Teen Washington’ winner Kate Wilson, 17, faced calls to step down after an old Tik Tok video emerged showing her using the n-word. No word on her decision, but she may just switch to Miss Teen Alabama.

An Argentinian teenager was electrocuted after leaving the family dinner table to charge his phone. Unlike the teen, his meal got cold.

The January 6th Committee assert Donald Trump and his lawyer collaborated in a criminal conspiracy to overturn the 2020 Presidential Election. The Committee said they’ll be adding this criminal charge to the pile.

Some Russian oligarchs are speaking out cautiously against the war in Ukraine; specifically, the ones with no plans to see President Putin anytime soon.

Kim Kardashian was declared legally single, after a California judge issued a first-of-its-kind divorce decree on Instagram.

Premature menopause is linked to dementia risk. While that is cause for concern, these women can worry less about forgetting to take birth control.

A Wisconsin woman choked her lover to death during sex and then dismembered him, putting his head and genitals in a bucket and his legs in a Crock Pot. She forfeited her entry in her church’s upcoming chili cookoff.

Wheel Of Fortune host Pat Sajak took to Twitter to defend three contestants whose inability to solve a near-complete puzzle ‘ANOTHER FEATHER _N YO_R _A_’ captivated social media. Sajak cited the pressure of the game, and that he tipped his lap to their courage.

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Florida Governor Ron Desantis blamed the state’s surging COVID-19 infections and hospitalizations on immigrants. “Technically, we’re from Louisiana” said the immigrants.

Donald Trump is planning to sell gold-plated ‘Trump Cards’ to supporters on his mailing list. It’s unclear what benefit the cards provide, although there’s speculation they earn points at the prison stores where January 6th rioters are jailed.

Bill Gates said it was a “huge mistake” spending time with Jeffrey Epstein, adding how embarrassed he was when underage girls would laugh when he tried giving them Zunes as gifts.

Meghan Markle turned 40, earning the new title Duchess Cougar of Sussex.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards is reportedly in advanced negotiations to become the game show’s permanent host, after his failed tryout for quarterback at Green Bay Packers camp.

Hawaii plans to limit the number of tourists to the island of Oahu. “Mahalo” now means “thanks for staying away”.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts said he’ll be unavailable to join the group on their fall tour, leaving the band scrambling to find an 80-year-old drum machine to fill in.

Both Chevrolet and Hyundai issued massive recalls to replace batteries on electric vehicles – or, in some cases, just rotate them 180 degrees so the + and – line up.

New research claims people spend over 50% of their time not being ‘in the moment’. The number increases to 98% while they’re having sex and imagining someone else.

Richard Trumka, President of labor union AFL-CIO, passed away at age 72. His burial is scheduled for whenever the concrete pilings are poured for the next big football stadium that gets built.

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The FAA is considering weighing passengers before flights for safety, and to encourage frequent-flying dogs to get fit.

Lego unveiled their first LGBTQ set in advance of Pride Month. You can now choose bricks with bumps and no holes, or holes and no bumps.

Google Photos introduced “locked”, password-protected photo folders. It’s an extra layer of security for creeps who’d rather send a password to their vast portfolio of dick pics instead of just one.

A man was arrested for participating in the January 6th Capitol riots after bragging about it and showing a video of the mob while at the dentist’s office. The man wrongly assumed his secret was safe at Proud Boys Dentistry.

Kendall Jenner is being criticized for ads showing her with the agave farmers who help make her new 818 Tequila. It’s not that she’s exploiting their culture, it’s that she keeps asking if they’re the same guys who mow her lawn.

Demi Lovato announced they’re non-binary. Lovato felt compelled to make an announcement since the salad bowl haircut leaned more toward regular gay.

Philadelphia high-rise buildings are dimming skyline lights after thousands of birds died crashing into them. The light reduction is expected to work better than the last idea, Philly residents yelling “Go Birds!” to get them to fly higher.

Australian gold medal snowboarder Torah Bright posted a viral photo of her son breastfeeding while she did a topless handstand. She claims she wasn’t showing off, just using gravity since she couldn’t find her breast pump.

Larry Flynt Hustler Club in Las Vegas is giving free limo rides, private dances and bottle service to residents getting a COVID vaccine there. So enjoy a lap dance from a topless 60-year old nurse while you get your shot and drink free Mountain Dew.

Microsoft will discontinue Internet Explorer next year, just as Bill Gates explores the Internet as a single man for the first time in decades.

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North Korea’s soccer team withdrew from World Cup 2022 qualifying. Head Coach & Benevolent Leader Kim Jong Un blamed their poor play on a lack of execution, then executed them.

A 14-year-old boy near Calgary, Alberta accidentally rode his bike into a rattlesnake den. He waved to the dozen-or-so Catholic priests and pedaled safely away.

A new study finds rodents and pigs can breathe out their rectums. “I know breathing, and that’s not breathing” say their disgusted wives and girlfriends.

The Ukrainian government seized 1,500 bottles of vodka made with apples from Chernobyl, and scientists want it back. They were testing its safety for human consumption in a signature cocktail, the CosmoPlutonian.

A man ambushed his ex-wife at their son’s sporting event, chasing her onto the field while holding two knives. Play was halted as the kids asked their coach why he was chasing the lady around with knives.

Mountain Dew is releasing a Cake Smash flavor that tastes like dessert. You drink it after a meal of original Mountain Dew to contract Type II diabetes twice as fast.

Bill Gates reportedly had an affair with a Microsoft employee. They kept it secret for so long because they were the only two people using Windows Live Messenger for Zune.

A Key Largo, Florida man crashed his boat at a high rate of speed and died with “mangroves lodged in his head”. The coroner’s report stated “he had it all, just like Bogey & Bacall, only with a mangrove lodged in his head, in Key Largo.”

New York City Police are banned from gay Pride marches in the city until 2025. Gay NYC cops are angry, but plan to hold their own Shooting Unarmed Criminals Pride parade.

While Scarlett Johansson accepted the MTV Movie Awards ‘Generation Award’ for her 30-year movie career, husband Colin Jost poured slime on her. He’s the third husband to slime Scarlett Johnasson.

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Motley Crue is commemorating their 40th Anniversary as a band with a remastered edition of 1987’s ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’. But since the record is 34 years old, they’re calling it ‘MILFs, MILFs, MILFs’.

Target will no longer sell Pokemon and sports trading cards in-store after a rash of fistfights over the cards. Wimpy kids can still buy cards in other stores, and hiring Pokemon trainers to help them win the fights.

Bill Gates told friends at his golf club that he was in a “loveless” marriage. Luckily, he also loves money.

The CDC’s new guidance says that fully-vaccinated Americans can now safely go without a face mask indoors in most places. A heart surgeon removed his mask and his bubble gum fell into the chest of a patient on the operating table.

Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic say coffee helps protect the liver. They recommend Irish coffee so the alcohol and coffee can keep the liver busy.

The CEO of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame defended the Hall against criticism that only two true “metal” bands – Metallica and Black Sabbath – are inducted. He said more metal bands will be inducted in the future, but still isn’t holding out much hope for Faster Pussycat.

Writings from John F. Kennedy to a Swedish mistress sold for $88,000. Written in 1955 & 1956, the collection contains one full handwritten letter, and two notes asking “U up?”

A health care system in Ireland shut down after becoming the latest victim of a ransomware attack. Or, as it’s known in Ireland, McRansomware.

A cat jumped from the fifth floor of a burning building in Chicago and landed on the ground, unharmed. The cat decided to jump because of the fire, and because there wasn’t anything to eat.

Big-cat advocate & ‘Tiger King’ subject Carole Baskin is offering a $5,000 reward for the return of a tiger missing in the Houston area. Local deer have pitched in to increase the reward to $10,000.

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Applebee’s reduced its menu by 60% during the pandemic, but plans to keep it that way from now on. Applebee’s calls their new menu the Cliff Notes for the 410-page Cheesecake Factory menu.

Subway franchisees claim the chain’s new Fresh Melt melted-cheese sandwiches are too dangerous to make – that employees risk burns, and toasters are ruined. They’re less concerned about customers, saying if they eat at Subway, they already know the risks.

The NCAA is considering a plan allowing student athletes to make money off their name & likeness. Hearing this, a Division III field hockey player bought a Ferrari.

A ransomware attack shut down Colonial Pipeline, which supplies almost half the fuel to the East coast. The cyberattackers gave Colonial the choice of paying the ransom in Bitcoin, or convenience store gift cards.

A bride in India walked out on an arranged wedding when her husband-to-be could not recite the multiplication table of two correctly. The math challenge results came as a shock because he aced the spelling challenge preceding it.

Florida is experiencing a massive surge in COVID variants. Three nurses died attempting to vaccinate alligators.

Amanda Fletcher, a New York city private high school Spanish teacher, was recorded sucking a man’s nipple during a Zoom class – an incident described by her C students as hot, and by her A students as ‘muy caliente’.

Kentucky Derby winning horse Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids. The horse now risks suspension from Saturday’s Preakness Stakes, and Sunday’s Mr. Maryland Bodybuilding Championship.

Donald Trump called Medina Spirit a ‘junky’ , adding the horse’s drug use was indicative of the USA’s other problems, including immigration and election fraud. Medina Spirit clapped = or, clomped – back, saying he’s not a drug abuser, and that he only cast one vote for Joe Biden.

A four-year-old hacked his mother’s Amazon Prime account and ordered 51 boxes of SpongeBob Squarepants popsicles. She also blames the child for a vibrator order, which he denies.

Tinder warned potential ‘catfishers’ not to pose as Bill Gates to trick unsuspecting women. Tinder says they have ‘serious tools’ to ensure fake Gates accounts are removed – including comparison against an authenticated photo of Bill Gates’ penis.

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An expansion of the U.S. earthquake early-warning system makes it available to 50 million people on the West Coast. The system, called Shake Alert, faces criticism from users confusing earthquakes with their Shake Shack order being ready.

Following dozens more reports of injured children, Peloton reversed their positions and agreed to recall their treadmills. Peloton online fitness classes were constantly interrupted by people pulling their kids out from under the belt.

An advisory board upheld Donald Trump’s ban from Facebook & Instagram, but said they need to decide again in six months after seeing how many state & federal crimes Trump was facing.

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf is teaming up w Penn State football to encourage vaccination. “Nah, I think we’re good” said Wolf when retired assistant coach Jerry Sandusky offered his help.

Police in Bensalem, Pennsylvania debuted the Copsicle truck, a community-relations effort where police give away free ice cream. So far the truck has been used to successfuly lure & capture over 20 sixth-graders who jumped bail.

Multiple Major League Baseball teams are giving fans a free ticket when they get a COVID-19 vaccine at the stadium. The Philadelphia Phillies are reevaluating their plan after vaccine recipients were heckled and pelted with batteries by anti-vaxxers.

Zhe “Shelly” Wang, an interpreter for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, denies rumors that she’s responsible for their breakup. It’s hard to tell if the divorce is the result of too much Wang, or not enough.

The summer’s hottest top for women is Mirror Palais’ “underwire polo” – a crop-top that pairs an underwire bra with a button placket, collar and long sleeves. The hottest top for men is whatever they wore yesterday, probably.

A woman in Morocco gave birth to nine babies at once. She’s seeking parenting advice from others who have had a similar experience, but so far has only heard from cats.

A San Francisco tech CEO was ousted for taking LSD before an investor’s meeting. He said he got the idea from multiple middle-managers who dropped acid to get through their annual performance reviews.

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Philadelphia’s Police Department is understaffed by 200 officers. To increase recruits, they’re offering a starting salary of $55,000, and every cadet who completes academy training will receive a special bribe.

Disney unveiled a real-life lightsaber. They’ll sell it in gift shops at Disney Parks exits, so kids won’t decapitate each other at the Happiest Place on Earth.

The FAA says more airline passengers are exhibiting unruly behavior now that travel has resumed. They’ve cited anti-mask arguments, smuggling alcohol aboard, and, on Spirit Airlines, passengers fistfighting outside of the designated fistfight rows.

Kim Kardashian went golfing. But was disappointed she couldn’t hit black balls.

Bill & Melinda Gates did not have a prenup. Instead, they’ll split their wealth and property according to a “Separation Agreement” they drafted. It’s a six-word document reading “We’ll always be incredibly f***ing rich.”

Joe Biden set a goal to vaccinate 160 million Americans by July 4th. His plans include shooting loaded needles in to the air during fireworks displays.

A one-in-30-million calico lobster made it to a tank at a Manassas, Virginia Red Lobster. The lobster lived, but will have to grow back the claws that some guy ate.

A 6-year-old girl ran safely to shore in shallow water off the coast of Oahu, Hawai’i after a shark was spotted within inches of her. Lifeguards then started adult swim.

Justin Bieber returned to wearing dreadlocks, concerned that he was losing his connection with other white douchebags.

Donald Trump started a new blog, ‘From the Desk of Donald J. Trump’. It’s the usual lamebrained rantings about election fraud and people he doesn’t like, along with a big red button you can click to order Diet Coke.

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New research finds too much high-intensity interval training is bad for you. “Good to know” said people walking on treadmills while reading books.

It’s Star Wars Day. The Mandalorian is busy hunting down and shooting everyone saying “May the 4th Be With You”.

Verizon sold AOL & Yahoo to a private equity firm, in a deal valued at “whatever 1997 was worth”.

Bill Gates and wife Melinda are divorcing after 27 years, six or more operating systems and three browsers.

A woman who didn’t know she was 29 weeks pregnant gave birth on a flight to Hawaii. During contractions, American Airlines charged her $99 to upgrade to a seat with more legroom.

  • “Can you shut that kid up?” said the guy in the seat behind her.

A Philadelphia man in an Amazon vest was caught on video stealing packages. At first cops thought he was impersonating an employee, but then he pissed in an empty soda bottle and went on with his day.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart of the Seattle Storm got engaged to pro basketball player Marta Xargay Casademont of the WNBA Phoenix Mercury. Xargay praised Stewart’s one-on-one pressure.

A Republican woman in a California city council meeting compared her treatment for opposing mask-wearing to Rosa Parks “being pushed to the back of the bus.” Except she’s white. And has never ridden a bus in her life.

Hall of Fame NFL QB Terry Bradshaw called Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers “weak” for the way he’s publicly handling disputes with the team. Then Bradshaw got back to work on the E! reality show where his daughters ruthlessly make fun of him.

Joe Biden is raising the cap on refugees who can enter the United States from 15,000 to 62,500. They currently serving #48, and nobody has the money to buy a FastPass to jump the line.

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Steamboat Springs, Colorado shot off the world’s largest firework – weighing 2,800 pounds – at its winter carnival.  Roughly a thousand dogs and cats have not been seen since.

Bong Joon-ho won Best Director and his film ‘Parasite’ won Best Picture at the Oscars. It was a big night for ‘ho’s as Blac Chyna also was invited to the Oscars for some reason.

Oscars coverage started at 6:30p.m. Eastern time, and concluded around 11p.m. – about enough time to get halfway through ‘The Irishman’.

Bill Gates is reportedly considering the purchase of a 112-foot superyacht, powered by liquid hydrogen, at a price of $644 million. It has a helipad, gym, swimming pools, and a galley full of slaves to paddle it since nobody knows where to buy liquid hydrogen.

The XFL debuted over the weekend, with attendance of over 17,000 at each of the four games. Players are so confident, they’re already asking for next weekend off from their regular jobs.

Chinese health officials report 1,000 deaths from the Wuhan coronavirus, and say that 40,000 people sickened may be the “tip of the iceberg”. They said that because one of the cruise ships quarantined for coronavirus struck an iceberg.

The new craze in skin care is ‘dermaplaning’, where vellus, or ‘peach fuzz’ hair and a top layer of dead skin cells are removed. Experts warn the procedure should only be done by a licensed dermatologist with a surgical scalpel, or a buddy looking to try out his new belt sander.

A stripper in Texas fell off of a 15-foot pole on to the stage below, then began twerking –or, as the EMTs who arrived later called it, convulsing.

Chipotle is offering a ‘Guac Mode’ promotion, free guacamole to new & existing Chipotle Rewards members in February. This is different than their longstanding ‘Emergency Mode’ program, which is what they call Rewards program members contracting E.coli.

Warner Bros/DC Comics film ‘Birds of Prey’ – highlighting DC villainess Harley Quinn – opened with $33 million at the weekend box office, far short of the $45-55 million projected. Analysts blamed competition from the Oscars, the movie’s R rating, and not enough naked Birds.