Thursday Jokes: January 20th

Senate Democrats failed to advance voting rights legislation, losing 52-48, with black Democratic senators having to show their driver’s license and a second form of ID.

A West Virginia tv reporter was struck by a car during a live news segment about a water main break. The woman driving the car stopped to apologize, then went further up the block to score her meth.

Jury selection began in the trial of three Minneapolis police officers who stood by as fellow officer Derek Chauvin murdered George Floyd. So far, several jury candidates have been dismissed who either can’t say or spell the word “guilty” in one or two seconds.

An investigation found retired Pope Benedict XVI lied about having no knowledge of priest sexual abuse during his oversight of the Diocese of Munich in the 70s & 80s. So he went to confession and forgave himself because that’s how Catholicism rolls.

Khloe Kardashian is getting dragged on social media for selling her 3-year-old daughter’s used clothing online, with some items priced at $150 – or more, if the creeps buying ’em know they haven’t been washed.

19-year-old Zara Rutherford became the youngest woman to complete a solo round-the-world flight. She thanked her sponsors and the air traffic controllers who listened for hours as she discussed boys and girls she doesn’t like.

A third person in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania died after an Italian restaurant was found to be transmitting hepatitis A. As in “A, you no like-a the manicotti??”

Dolly Parton turned 76 on Wednesday, and the current iteration of her boobs turned 19.

Meghan Linsey, a runner-up on The Voice in 2015, got married. “Who?” asked Blake Shelton, Adam Levine & Kelly Clarkson.

A woman in Chester County, Pennsylvania was rescued after being stuck in the bathroom for four days. Her dinner date left.

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