Friday Jokes: January 21st

Shares of Peloton stock tumbled as the company revealed it’s halting production of exercise bikes & treadmills for several months. However, online classes remain full, as discarded equipment in landfills is a hit with overweight bears & raccoons.

A new report from the World Health Federation claims no amount of alcohol is good for the heart – a study disputed by writers of country songs.

Mars, Incorporated said its animated M&Ms characters will become “more inclusive”. Peanut now identifies as Plain.

A Rhode Island man who faked his own death to flee a rape charge was apprehended in the U.K. He’ll be returned to the U.S. alive, but in a coffin.

The power of Tonga’s volcanic eruption and tsunami may dwarf that of nuclear weapons, according to experts. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he’s successfully designed and tested a volcano.

Instagram is testing paid subscriptions for content, with prices ranging from 99 cents/month to watch Kim Kardashian have sex, to $100/month to keep from seeing anything any Kardashian or Jenner does.

Rocker Meat Loaf passed away. No autopsy is planned, but a funeral home worker discovered he was marked ‘Best by 1/19/22’.

The North Penn School District outside of Philadelphia is investigating a video of a teacher taping a mask to an unruly student’s face. If he’s fired, United and American Airlines each plan to offer him a job as a flight attendant.

New York City’s new mayor received his first paycheck in Bitcoin and Ethereum cryptocurencies. “Hope it works out better for him” said dozens of the city’s panhandlers who’ve been fooled by this payment method.

‘Tiger King’ zoo owner Jeff Lowe is moving his big cat zoo to Mexico after it was banned in the U.S., although he may bring the tigers back to the states occasionally with balloons full of heroin in their rectums.

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