Friday Jokes: April 1st

An 8-year-old brought a loaded handgun to a Philadelphia elementary school. The child explained that they’d missed the bus and needed to jack a ride.

Russia accused Ukraine of conducting an air strike on a military fuel depot in Russian territory. Ukraine is now on the board, but trails in air strikes: 1,056 to 1.

Russian soldiers abandoned their position at Chernobyl nuclear plant due to radiation sickness. Female soldiers were mistakenly thought to be pregnant because they’re glowing.

Walgreens is using robots to fill prescriptions, now that human pharmacists are taking on more responsibilities, such as administering vaccines, and keeping robots from swiping opioids.

Washington DC police found five fetuses in the home of 28-year-old anti-abortion activist Lauren Handy. Asked what they were doing there, Handy said she hadn’t been having much luck starting a family.

Construction of homes along the Schuylkill River in Conshohocken, Pennsylvania has been halted due to a massive influx of beavers. The beavers say their peers have yet to be paid for the work they’ve already completed.

NASA’s Hubble Space telescope detected the farthest star ever seen – Bruce Willis, seated in the last row of the highest balcony at the Oscars.

A low-budget radio station in Missouri is one of only two U.S. carriers of Radio Sputnik – a service offering Russian State Radio to foreign countries. They may stop since lots of people are shutting it off because of the 23 hours of music featuring the Trololo guy.

Anchorman actor David Koechner was charged with misdemeanor DUI and leaving the scene of an accident. Whammy!

Actor Jim Carrey said he’s probably retiring, unless a ‘really special’ part comes along – folllowing his commitment to play the lead in Crash Bandicoot 1, 2 & 3.

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