Dr. Anthony Fauci wants the monkeypox virus to be taken more seriously. He believes the first step is calling it something much less hilarious than monkeypox.

A transgender female incarcerated at a New Jersey women’s prison was moved to a men’s facility after impregnating two female inmates. She’s also ordered to pay child support to each mother in the form of ten loose cigarettes a month.

A class action lawsuit alleges Skittles candy is “unfit for human consumption” because of heightened levels of known toxin titanium dioxide. Skittles maker Mars Candy refutes the claim, but halted the introduction of new Tropical Fruit Round-Up Skittles.

Ricky Martin denies a sexual relationship with his nephew, who was granted a restraining order against the singer. However, the nephew’s attorney provided evidence, including Martin’s new single ‘Livin La Vida Incesto’.

New reports show the U.S. Governments’ Departments of Homeland Security, Border Patrol, & Customs are acquiring and using huge amounts of location data from smartphone apps in violation of individual privacy rights. The app data also show some illegal immigrants making really good time getting from Tijuana to Dallas.

Netflix is testing a new payment plan for password sharing, which they call the Add A Home plan. Add A Home tested more favorably with consumers than their other name idea, the Just Tell Your Cheapskate Friend To Get Their Own Account plan.

The United Kingdom is facing its worst heat wave in history, with just 1% of the population owning air conditioners, and federal laws banning citizens from putting ice in their 3 o’clock tea.

Sesame Place theme park is apologizing after a viral video showed costumed character Rosita appearing to ignore two black girls asking for a hug during a parade. Going forward, Rosita will be replaced in the parade by Oscar The Grouch, who will tell all kids to get lost.

A Florida man admitted to lighting firecrackers and throwing them under the bed of a 9-year-old girl. He conceded in court it was the wrong thing to do, but said it did scare away the monsters.

Airline industry analyst Oliver Wyman’s forecasts the global pilot shortage will reach 32,000 openings in ten years. Spirit Airlines is currently conducting interviews with unemployed losers living in their parent’s basement playing Microsoft Flight Simulator.