Monday Jokes: July 18th

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline changed numbers to 988. Suicidal callers to 911 will be told they have the wrong number.

Former Victoria’s Secret models say they had to wear balloons & toys as lingerie during runway shows. They were embarrassed because the items weren’t real clothes, and creeped out by the guys who paid to attach and blow up the balloons.

Delta Air Lines bought one-hundred Boeing 737 Max passenger jets, its first purchase from Boeing in over 10 years. Delta expects the planes to be ready for cancelled flights in 2025.

Thieves stole $100 milion in jewels from an armored car en route to a trade show in Los Angeles. LAPD is currently conducting a series of search warrants on rappers’ teeth.

Golf influencer & model Paige Spiranac is Maxim Magazine’s 2022 Sexiest Woman Alive. Spiranac accepted the award, saying she hasn’t felt this honored since Tiger Woods asked her to hold his putter.

Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck married in Las Vegas. Their six combined marriages put them just four punches away from a free ceremony at the Little White Wedding Chapel.

Texas House of Representatives review of the Uvalde school shooting finds ‘systemic failure’ in the police response, in their official report, entitled ‘Duh’.

Stephanie Davison of 90 Day Fiance reportedly paid $2,700 for a one-hour date with another of the show’s ‘stars’, Stephanie Matto. Davison wants to ask Matto – who sells her farts and boob sweat in jars – for “marketing tips”. Matto plans to show Davison how to Google “wholesale jars”.

Rapper Ne-Yo said his new album took four years to complete, citing the influence of the pandemic, and because he couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with COVID.

Jamie Keeton of Wisconsin broke the Guinness World Record by simultaneously suctioning 10 Coke cans to his shaved head for five seconds. He then suffered a concussion after vigorously shaking his skull in a recycling bin.

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