Philadelphia has temporarily discontinued horse-drawn carriage rides in the city. They announced tentative plans to introduce electric carriages, just as soon as they can do so without electrocuting horses.

Upper Darby, Pennsylvania Police found a dead body discarded in a mattress. They plan to detain and question the mattress because it has memory foam.

Messina Denaro, Italy’s most wanted fugitive mafia boss, was captured after 30 years while receiving cancer treatment. His freedom is currently in remission.

Delta and American Airlines passenger jets nearly collided on the ground at JFK Airport as they prepared for takeoff. Airport officials are considering changing the 4-way stop at the runways’ intersection.

China’s population dropped for the first time in decades. Officials blamed COVID deaths, then cancelled 2nd & 3rd shifts at the condom and Plan B factories.

GM introduced the $104,000 Corvette E-Ray, a hybrid electric version of their classic sports car, for environmentally conscious men with small penises.

Wizards of the Coast, owners of Dungeons & Dragons, are changing their licensing agreement, requiring any content creator who makes over $750,000 from D&D to pay a 25% royalty. Worse, these same dorks will be required to pay another 25% in rent to live in their parents basement.

Britney Spears and husband Sam Asghari denied reports of Britney having a manic episode at a restaurant. Later that night, Britney posted a video dancing while giving the finger. Meanwhile the restaurant owners hope Britney’s never heard of Yelp.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers WR Russell Gage was immobilized and taken to a hospital for evaluation of a head & neck injury late in the Bucs’ playoff loss to the Dallas Cowboys. “Hey, at least nobody died for a minute this time, right?” said glass-half-full NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

An Australian model said she suffers from gigantomastia, a rare condition where her breasts won’t stop growing. Meanwhile, website programmers at Pornhub are busily adding Gigantomastia to the menu between Gangbang and Groups.