Philadelphia has temporarily discontinued horse-drawn carriage rides in the city. They announced tentative plans to introduce electric carriages, just as soon as they can do so without electrocuting horses.

Upper Darby, Pennsylvania Police found a dead body discarded in a mattress. They plan to detain and question the mattress because it has memory foam.

Messina Denaro, Italy’s most wanted fugitive mafia boss, was captured after 30 years while receiving cancer treatment. His freedom is currently in remission.

Delta and American Airlines passenger jets nearly collided on the ground at JFK Airport as they prepared for takeoff. Airport officials are considering changing the 4-way stop at the runways’ intersection.

China’s population dropped for the first time in decades. Officials blamed COVID deaths, then cancelled 2nd & 3rd shifts at the condom and Plan B factories.

GM introduced the $104,000 Corvette E-Ray, a hybrid electric version of their classic sports car, for environmentally conscious men with small penises.

Wizards of the Coast, owners of Dungeons & Dragons, are changing their licensing agreement, requiring any content creator who makes over $750,000 from D&D to pay a 25% royalty. Worse, these same dorks will be required to pay another 25% in rent to live in their parents basement.

Britney Spears and husband Sam Asghari denied reports of Britney having a manic episode at a restaurant. Later that night, Britney posted a video dancing while giving the finger. Meanwhile the restaurant owners hope Britney’s never heard of Yelp.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers WR Russell Gage was immobilized and taken to a hospital for evaluation of a head & neck injury late in the Bucs’ playoff loss to the Dallas Cowboys. “Hey, at least nobody died for a minute this time, right?” said glass-half-full NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

An Australian model said she suffers from gigantomastia, a rare condition where her breasts won’t stop growing. Meanwhile, website programmers at Pornhub are busily adding Gigantomastia to the menu between Gangbang and Groups.

A Canadian man built a working submarine in his garage as a pandemic project. It can reach depths of 400 feet and carries 72 hours of oxygen. He stars in the thrilling new documentary ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Golf Course Water Hazard’.

While allegedly seeking a presidential pardon, Congressman Matt Gaetz’s friend Joel Greenberg admitted in a letter that they paid underage women for sex. Instead of a pardon, Donald Trump sent back a framed letter of congratulations.

During the first round of the NFL Draft, thanks to COVID vaccinations & testing, Commissioner Roger Goodell resumed his tradition of hugging draft picks. However, all kisses were on the cheek, and only with consent.

Joe Biden visited Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station to promote his new infrastructure plan, and commemorate Amtrak’s 50th Anniversary. His train from Washington was late, and arrived in time to commemorate Amtrak’s 51st Anniversary.

Fudi is a new fast-food concept restaurant offering a 100% plant-based menu. Instead of a drive-thru, it has a drive-by.

Apple is addressing concerns that its new AirTags – which you attach to devices to see their location – can be used by stalkers to follow victims. Apple said if you’re worried you’re being stalked, just drop the AirTag on the ground and it will break.

A handcuffed murder suspect who escaped police at Atlanta International Airport was captured. Oddly enough, it was just after he cleared the TSA PreCheck line.

Five people were arrested in the shooting of Lady Gaga’s dog walker and theft of her two dogs. The dogs are expected to testify, but someone has to say “speak” first.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyer said she’s sleep deprived and suffered a black eye while in prison. Apparently there isn’t a lot of room to sleepwalk.

A Texas man died while mowing his lawn after being attacked by Africanized killer bees. Texas Republicans are seeking to have the bees deported.

Texas Senator and Harvard-educated numbskull Ted Cruz suggested that the Southern Border wall be paid for by convicted drug trafficker Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Through his attorneys, El Chapo said he’ll think about it, but he’s really more of a tunnel guy.

Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are denying a viral rumor that they ‘recycle’ uneaten pizza, and are secretly happy that no one is asking about the chicken nuggets.

Jerry Stritzke, the CEO of outdoor gear retailer REI, is resigning after the disclosure of a ‘personal, consensual’ relationship that fellow executives deemed a conflict of interest. Stritzke regrets failing to inform the board that he was making out with a guy named Eddie Bauer.

Fitness model Michelle Lewin posted a photo on Instagram of a feral pig biting her buttocks during a photo shoot in the Bahamas. The pig seen in the photo is female, so there goes that myth about men.

NCAA sack leader Jaylon Ferguson of Louisiana Tech has reportedly been uninvited from the NFL Combine because of a simple battery conviction during his freshman year. Commissioner Roger Goodell reminded all NFL prospects how important it is to wait until you make an NFL team before you start beating people up.

A vape pen stored in an overhead bin caught fire during boarding of a Delta flight. The fire was extinguished and passengers were switched to a different jet. “My bad” said the 12-year-old owner of the vape pen, who then bought a new one in the terminal.

Nintendo announced Tetris 99, a battle-royale version of Tetris where 99 people play simultaneously against one another while they goof off at work.

Oklahoma approved a bill allowing adults over 21 to own & carry handguns without a permit. The bill includes funding for additional lanes on interstate highways to be designated for road rage firefights.

The Masked Singer revealed its latest mystery participant Wednesday night. After a performance of Elle King’s ‘Ex’s & Oh’s’ the Alien lifted their mask and was revealed as La Toya Jackson. The judges then promptly asked her to put the mask back on.

In a scathing ’60 Minutes’ interview, former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe said that if President Trump was ‘on the box at Quantico, he would break the machine’. By ‘the box’, McCabe was referring to either a polygraph, or a scale that measures body fat.

 

The search continues for the person or persons sending explosive packages to Democrats and critics of President Trump. The word ‘Florida’ is misspelled in the return address, narrowing the list of suspects to all current & former Florida public school students.

  • UPDATE: A Florida man has been identified as the suspect and is being detained by police in a local sinkhole.

Paul Dorr, director of a pro-life, pro-family group in Iowa, publicly shared a video burning four library books with pro-LGBTQ messages. Dorr may face legal action, but in the meantime has been banned from story hour.

A 68-year-old New Jersey man was arrested for a 10-month spree dropping piles of dirty diapers at intersections in Franklin Township.  The slippery diapers were blamed for at least one motorcycle accident, and ruining the shoes of the marching band in the July 4th parade.

NBC News anchor and Today Show host Megyn Kelly is rumored to be negotiating her exit from the network, disappointing white suburban moms hoping for last-minute tips dressing their kids as Beyonce or Jay-Z for Halloween.

A Florida prison guard and his wife were arrested for accepting bribes in exchange for smuggling McDonald’s food, chicken wings and a cell phone to an inmate. The two were arrested after the inmate downloaded Uber Eats and attempted to have 10 Big Mac value meals delivered to his cell.

The NFL fired down judge Hugo Cruz for missing a false start call that led to a Los Angeles Chargers touchdown in a game he was officiating. The NFL Referees Association said they’ve filed a grievance on a yellow handkerchief tossed into Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office.

A New York Times article addresses the departures of two top Google executives — Andy Rubin & Amit Singhal — each of whom were paid millions after acts of sexual misconduct. Google is concerned that other executives are asking ‘who do I need to sexually abuse to get an eight-figure severance around here?’

McLaren showed off a 1,035-horsepower, three-seat hybrid supercar costing over $2 million. McLaren said the low emission hybrid drivetrain is meant to save trees while you drive the overpowering car into them.

Snapchat is losing users in the wake of a redesign and competition from Instagram. Snapchat announced daily active users dropped 1%, to 186 million — but investors were more concerned that power users posted 5% fewer pics of their breasts and penises.

Ayal Lanternari has a hit new product – Nanobebe, a baby bottle that spreads milk into a thin layer so that it can be microwaved without hot spots or nutrient damage. The bottle is also shaped like a breast, making it extremely popular with nursing children and grownup creeps.

 

Amazon announced that Amazon Key members can have packages delivered to the trunks of their cars — explaining the rash of drone crashes on the nation’s interstate highways.

Facebook released 25 pages of documents to show how it polices bullying and hate speech. Twitter also released its guide book, ‘How To Improve Your Bullying and Hate Speech’.

Oxford University researchers claim that hydrogen sulfide clouds make the atmosphere of Uranus smell like farts. They added that no human will ever experience it due to -200 Celsius temperatures, but said that if anyone wanted to come close, they could always use a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop toilet in December.

Police making a traffic stop arrested a Delaware woman for operating a “one-pot” meth lab in her Volkswagen Jetta. She was planning to use the money she made to buy an SUV and expand to a three-pot meth lab.

  • One-pot mobile meth labs are apparently expanding in popularity, as more and more Americans deliver for Amazon.

Google announced that it had taken down over 8 million objectionable YouTube videos over the last three months — giving you that excuse you’ve needed to explain why you haven’t watched your friend’s stand-up comedy debut.

Google followed the lead of Apple, Samsung & Twitter and changed its handgun emoji to a water gun. The change was protested by the Wicked Witch of the West.

Comcast has made a $31 Billion acquisition offer for European broadcaster Sky, in a coup to expand its World Class reputation for customer service to a whole new continent.

Global wine production slumped to its lowest level in 60 years in 2017, according to data from the International Organization of Vine and Wine, threatening to make cheap wine more expensive and lower in quality. “Hmm..I detect notes of elderberries, paint thinner and antifreeze..” said an oenophile hobo before wetting himself and falling asleep.

The new Gmail begins rolling out to users this week, featuring Confidential Mode – messages that can’t be forwarded or printed by recipients, and can be made to disappear after being read. The technology is being hailed as a breakthrough by office creeps looking to sexually harass coworkers.

Two former NFL cheerleaders offered to drop their discrimination lawsuit against the league in exchange for a one-dollar settlement and a meeting with Commissioner Roger Goodell. The women want to ask Goodell about their low pay & long hours, and if he has spirit!

TV ratings for NFL football dropped 10% this year, after an 8% drop last year. Commissioner Roger Goodell hopes to reverse the trend by allowing fans to binge-watch full seasons at once.

Tiangong-1, a 9.4-ton space station launched years ago by China, will make a planned crash into Earth as winter ends. It will be visible in the night sky going slower than usual with its turn signal left flashing for the duration of reentry.

Mark Zuckerberg said that his personal challenge for 2018 is fixing Facebook, while a majority of Americans state their personal challenge for 2018 is fleeing Facebook.

A Connecticut man faces animal cruelty charges for ripping the heads off of 20 chickens in a “jealous rage” after seeing pictures of his wife partying with other people on Christmas.  Horrified witnesses described the scene as ‘a lot of running around.’

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek is taking a medical leave of absence after brain surgery to correct these blood clots on the brain. “What are subdural hematoma?” said his doctor whose cash winnings total over $15,000 dollars.

Amazon is bringing Alexa to wearable fitness trackers, just as soon as the company can program a few dozen ways for her to tell you that you’re ‘big boned’.

Apple confirmed that all of its Mac and iOS devices are susceptible to hacks from the newly-discovered Meltdown and Spectre bugs, but that updated batteries are available for just $29 if you want your devices ruined faster.

According to an expose in Indian newspaper The Tribune, India’s national ID database – containing personal information for a billion residents – is available to anyone willing to pay $10 to a mysterious man known as Anil Kumar. As to the extent of the damage from identity theft, the report says it’s too soon to Patel.

GoPro laid off between 200-300 employees in its drone division, as seen in an overhead video of sad people carrying cardboard boxes to their cars.

Cold temperatures in Florida are causing iguanas to drop out of trees. Since the iguanas could be carriers of dangerous salmonella bacteria, residents are advised to leave them alone and let them fall into sinkholes once it warms up.

 

Meghan McCain – daughter of GOP Senator John McCain – is joining the cast of The View, saying she wants to honor her father by being tortured for several years.

IKEA has acquired on-demand labor company TaskRabbit, whose contract laborers make money on odd jobs, like assembling IKEA furniture. TaskRabbit lawyers are struggling with the contract, since it’s written entirely in pictures.

A Broadway musical based on the life and music of Cher is set to debut in 2018, although producers wonder if they’ll ever be able to find a Cher impersonator.

Delta Airlines will offer free in-flight texting. Passengers can now contact their friends-with-benefits to ask ‘U up? Get me at the airport?’

A school librarian in Cambridge Massachusetts refused a shipment of 10 Dr Seuss books sent from Melania Trump as part of a reading initiative. The librarian said the Seuss books were ‘cliched’, and Melania had scribbled question marks in the margins next to words she didn’t understand.

Melania Trump met with families whose members died from opioid overdoses at a gathering at the White House. After the listening session, Mrs. Trump said she wished she could have been there to help addicts find nude modeling jobs and hook up with rich guys.

Children in the Chidza village of Zimbabwe capture mice and sell them as a delicacy. The kids are thrilled to be earning money and never thought they’d be awarded a Chipotle franchise.

Accused National Security Agency document  leaker Reality Winner is alleged to have smuggled classified documents out of the office in her underwear. She told investigators she would have taken more, but her Spanx wouldn’t allow it.

Womens apparel retailer Forever 21 is teaming up with Taco Bell to offer a Taco Bell-themed collection of bodysuits, sweatshirts and hoodies — mostly in large sizes.

A Dearborn, Michigan toddler shot two other children with a loaded handgun he found at daycare. The two victims are in good condition, and will think twice the next time they decide they won’t share their toys.

  • The shooter has already been hired to address an NRA Conference, with a keynote address he’s calling “Time Out, My Ass!”

In the wake of its massive data breach, Equifax will offer free “credit locks”. This way, identity thieves can prevent victims from stealing their identities back.

The Chicago Bears v Green Bay Packers Thursday night NFL game marked the league’s debut on new broadcast partner Amazon Prime. Packers QB Aaron Rodgers threw four TD passes and also now leads the league in buffering.

  • The game was delayed for nearly an hour as a storm passed, so players with 1-in-2 odds of head trauma could be protected from 1-in-1 million odds of lightning strike.
  • Packers and Bears players stood with arms locked during the National Anthem. It was either a show of solidarity or the beginning of an awesome game of Red Rover.

 

Carmen Electra offered her memories of deceased Playboy founder Hugh Hefner; saying that Hefner ‘loved life and loved what he did’, although he couldn’t always remember who he did.

Roger Goodell met at NFL Headquarters in New York City with a group of team owners and prominent players to discuss players kneeling during the national anthem and other issues impacting the game. No definitive conclusions were reached regarding the kneeling, but everyone attending agreed that Odell Beckham Jr’s peeing dog was dumb.

 

San Francisco 49ers assistant coach Katie Sowers has come out, making her the first openly gay coach in the NFL. “Welcome to the club!” said an unnamed group of players comprising 10% of the 49ers roster.

According to a Priceline.com survey, 44% of Americans reported that the feeling they get from booking a cheap flight is better than sex. Most of the respondents were Spirit Airlines fliers, who can always count on booking cheap fares and getting screwed.

Former National Director of Intelligence James Clapper reacted strongly to President Trump’s rally speech in Phoenix Tuesday, saying he questions Trump’s fitness for office and his access to nuclear codes — especially since Trump had them all changed to ‘Password’.

In an excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s forthcoming 2016 campaign memoir ‘What Happened’, she said that when Trump stood behind her at the debates it made her “skin crawl”.  Said Melania Trump “..yeah? Now imagine the same thing, only he’s naked.”

Taylor Swift announced the release of a new album, ‘Reputation.’ The album drops in November, but it is already not speaking with Katy Perry’s new album.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is rumored to be getting a 5-year contract extension through 2024. Goodell has so far made over $200 million as Commissioner. He said he’ll continue to stand during the national anthem, because there’s no room to sit with all the piles of money around.

Actor Robert Downey Jr is warning fans of online scammers posing as Downey to cheat people out of charitable donations — leading countless gullible nerds to stop Venmo payments to Stark Industries.

Mark Wahlberg tops the Forbes list of Hollywood’s highest-paid actors, followed by Dwayne ‘The Rock ‘ Johnson and Vin Diesel — offering continued hope to all of you good-looking, muscular guys in Hollywood who can’t act.

Ferrari unveiled a new 200-MPH convertible, and a new toupee super-glue for men buying it.

Elon Musk posted a photo on Instagram of the new spacesuit that SpaceX astronauts will wear on trips to the International Space Station. It features a fully redesigned helmet and bodysuit, with a fireproof pocket for astronauts to store their last messages to loved ones.

 

 

Facebook is rolling out a YouTube-like video platform called ‘Watch’ – where users can see their privacy disappear.

The U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed that 2016 was the planet’s hottest year on record, citing global warming and an early-season El Nino. President Trump used the news to reinforce the need for a border wall, to keep El Nino out.

Trump plans to declare the Opioid Crisis a National Emergency – saying opioids are in a 3-way tie for Biggest Health Crisis, along with heroin and Obamacare.

Texas pastor Robert Jeffress, an evangelical advisor to President Trump, said that God has given Trump “full control” to “take out” North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. It’s hard to tell if the craziest part of that is God giving the green light to murder, or that Trump has an evangelical adviser.

A report claims President Trump has sent private messages to Russia Investigation Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Trump’s associates say the messages are ‘thank-you’s, but other messages are rumored to be:

  • Do you think Ivanka like-likes me? Yes/No/Maybe
  • Are you going to the next Trump Pep Rally?
  • Wanna come see a movie with me at The White House?

The U.S. has expelled two Cuban Ambassadors, following reports that several U.S. Ambassadors departed the American Embassy in Havana after experiencing severe hearing loss from a mysterious “sonic attack”. No further clarification was given, but the deafened U.S. Ambassadors hope they never hear Ricky Martin ever again.

WalMart apologized for an in-store sign that marketed guns as Back To School items. WalMart acknowledged the error, saying the guns were meant to be part of a Halloween promotion.

  • The sign above the guns read “Own The School Like a Hero”. So the NRA bought the guns and donated them to teachers.

Consumer Reports has pulled its ‘Recommended’ status from Microsoft Surface laptops, citing poor reliability compared to other brands. Microsoft attempted to reach Consumer Reports for further clarification, but kept getting error messages they didn’t understand.

A man rushed the stage at Britney Spears’ Las Vegas show, but was subdued and handcuffed by security. Britney had just started singing her hit ‘Crazy’, and the man thought that was his cue.

Former NFL player Ryan O’Callaghan, who came out as gay in June, is advocating for marijuana use by current players, saying it would be a ‘godsend’. Commissioner Roger Goodell said that not even God sends anything to NFL players without his approval.

Ryan Graves – a Senior VP and Uber’s first corporate employee – announced that he’s resigning, and that he’s taking a taxi home.

O.J. Simpson’s former agent is selling the white Ford Bronco from the infamous police chase. He purchased the car from Al ‘A.C.’ Cowlings. The car runs well, but there’s no A.C.

 

 

Justin Bieber struck a 53 year-old photographer with his pickup truck, scoring his first-ever hit with middle aged men.

Dunkin Donuts announced they’re scaling back expansion plans. Luckily, their best customers are not.

North Korea threatened a nuclear missile strike at “the heart of the U.S.” The Pentagon ruled out The White House as a target.

Melania Trump will make her first solo trip as First Lady, not counting Bergdorf Goodman. Mrs. Trump will attend the Invictus Games in Toronto. “Oh! Justin Trudeau will be there? I didn’t know that…” she said.

President Trump talked tax reform, telling the Wall Street Journal the people he cares most about are “the middle income people who have been getting screwed.” Trump went on to describe himself as a middle income person who’s been getting screwed.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson denied rumors that he plans to quit, telling reporters he always carries an empty cardboard box in to work every day.

A study found signs of degenerative disorder CTE in 110 of 111 brains of deceased NFL players. League Commissioner Roger Goodell dismissed the findings, saying they still needed to look at more dead placekickers’ brains.

Senator Lindsey Graham defended his colleague Jeff Sessions, saying that if President Trump fired Sessions, there would be “holy hell to pay.” “He’s right, Lindsey & I just talked today” said Satan.

Jeff Bezos passed Bill Gates as the World’s Richest Man. Gates then cancelled all of his Amazon Prime subscriptions and passed Bezos again.

Amazon announced it will fill as many as 50,000 open jobs at a nationwide Job Fair next week. The final hiring count depends on how many robots show up to interview.

A Chinese company has installed ‘Husband Pods’ in China shopping malls, where guys can sit in a recliner, play video games and watch tv while their wives and girlfriends shop. They said they got the idea by being men.

Hillary Clinton’s upcoming 2016 Presidential Election memoir will be titled ‘What Happened’ – surprising the editor who had suggested ‘You Gotta Be F—ing Kidding Me’.

Twitter lost 2 million U.S. users in the second quarter, but gained more than can count in Russia.

The TSA announced that iPads, other tablets & e*readers will be screened separately, as they do with laptops, reminding travelers to backup their porn before every trip.

Coke announced that it’s discontinuing Coke Zero and replacing it with Coke Zero Sugar, setting up a Who’s On First moment when smooth-talking southerners say “I’ll have a Coke Zero, sugar..”