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Stephanie Matto, star of 90 Day Fiance, shut down her business selling farts in a jar, claiming her diet of smoothies, beans and eggs caused severe gas pains. She’ll issue refunds for customers who bought gift cards to give out at Christmas.

A sign posted in a University of Maryland dormitory informs male students that masturbating in the shower is a housing code violation, and that the pipes “aren’t designed to handle semen”. That, and there’s a rash of unwanted pregnancies in campus sewer rats.

The European Union banned tattoo ink containing carcinogenic chemicals. Tattoo artists say this is hurting their ability to serve loyal customers who want new tattoos to commemorate their cancer battle.

Verizon & AT&T refused to delay the launch of 5G technology at the request of the FAA, who is concerned 5G may interfere with airline communication. “My jet is going down!” said an airline passenger over a smartphone with a speedy and reliable Verizon 5G connection.

French President Emmanuel Macron said he intends to “piss off” unvaccinated French citizens with severe restrictions to their ability accessing public places. Actually he said something sounding more like “peas uff” but French people still understood him.

AirlineRatings.com, an industry website, named Air New Zealand 2022’s Safest Airline based on crash & incident records, age of aircraft, COVID protocols, and fewest sticky seats from duct-taping enraged passengers.

KFC will begin selling plant-based Beyond Fried Chicken nuggets, which taste like chicken, but isn’t. This is different from their standard offering, which tastes like chicken, and mostly is.

For the first time, ABC’s ‘The Bachelor‘ had a bachelorette withdraw from the competition. Salley, a woman who’d been engaged but called off the wedding, said she was going home. Producers were confused, saying they didn’t know how to handle contestants behaving with dignity.

‘Real Housewives Of Miami’ star Lisa Hochstein said she’s removing her cosmetic ‘facial fillers’, saying she wants her face to look empty again.

John Deere introduced a fully autonomous self-driving tractor, which plows and harvests fields so farmers can spend more time in the barn building relationships with cows and sheep.

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The Food & Drug Administration approved the first-ever prescription drug derived from marijuana, to deal with epilepsy symptoms. Stoners are busily booking doctors appointments and practicing seizures.

Harley-Davidson will move some production overseas in order to avoid punitive tariffs for motorcycles shipped from the U.S. to Europe.  Parisian shopkeepers are worried the resulting shipment delays will only further anger the notorious, croissant-thieving French Hell’s Angels.

Mike Fleiss, creator of ABC Television series ‘The Bachelor’, tweeted that he’s ‘horrified’ that ‘abusive a-holes’ are on the show. He wistfully recalled the days when the show prominently featured only vain, non-abusive a-holes.

Residents of Maine are being warned about the Lone Star Tick, whose bite makes victims allergic to red meat. The ticks are said to frequent cookouts to get at the extra cheeseburgers, and are working on an update to make victims allergic to craft beer.

Pennsylvania residents can now legally buy and set off aerial fireworks this 4th of July, but are upset that the state levies 18% sales tax on them – they feel they’re being charged a blown-off arm and a blown-off leg.

Michael Cohen’s lawyers have reviewed millions of documents seized during a raid at his offices, and will claim attorney/client privilege over 12,000. The lawyers may not be very good, because they identified the 12,000 by seeing which ones had ‘attorney’ ‘client’ and ‘privilege’ typed on them.

First responders in New Hampshire were able to rescue a 2-year-old boy trapped under a pile of rocks. Said the fire chief “thank God that kid had so many Tonka trucks.”

In Arizona, local officials are warning that snakes may be hiding in pool noodles, after several reports from residents surprised to be finding snakes in them. One snake apologized, saying he napped in the pool noodle after getting exhausted playing all morning on the Slither n Slide.

Apple released its Schoolwork App, which allows teachers with iPads to manage classroom tasks like creating assignments and tracking students’ progress. Apple is continuing its discounts on iPads so teachers whose primary iPad is running the Schoolwork App have a second iPad for watching porn.

The Supreme Court upheld the Trump Administration’s controversial travel ban from Muslim-centric countries, dealing a critical blow to immigration activists and causing a huge sigh of relief from American tourists flying home from the Middle East.